not officially diagnosed...

My therapist mentioned ptsd at our last visit, but I guess I am not officially diagnosed with ptsd, so I hope it is okay to post here. When I read posts here they are the ones I most relate to.

I am an adult survivor of sexual abuse by my older brother. I was somewhere between 7 and 9 and he is 10 yrs older than me. I don't have real good memories, so I am not sure yet of how old I was. I also had an emotionally abusive mother who dismissed anything happened with my brother. I am having flashbacks and started therapy several weeks ago. I left home when I was 18, and ended up marrying an abusive husband at 24. I am now 41 and I have 2 wonderful children of my own...I am remarried to a wonderful supportive man. Due to stress I am having flashbacks to a terrible degree, and my anger is sometimes out of control and I say things I later regret.

The stress is coming mostly from our living arrangements...and the fact that 9 yrs ago, my brother the abuser came back into our life. He seems to act as if he thinks I don't remember anything that happened. See 9 yrs ago my father died, my brother stayed away because I believe my father chased him away because he found out what my brother was doing. I remember a huge fight and my brother moved out..and I didn't see him for 25 yrs. When my father was dying he came to the hospital. Back to the living arrangements...after the death of my father my husband and I sold our house in order to buy a bigger one so my mother could live with us. I was/am the only child she has in the state in which we live...all of my other siblings live far away. So taking "care" of her became my responsibility. When my mother's house sold, she offered to pay the remainding amount owed on our house in order to "make things easier on us". Unknowingly I was falling into a trap that I had somehow forgotten how controlling and manipulating she is.

Over that last 8-9 yrs...I have sacrificed lots in order to make my mother "happy"...I am always trying to get her "approval". I have been the only one there for her (she does not drive...she can't keep her own checkbook balanced...) I take her to the doctor..I left my job where I was being paid decently to work one with less hours and (school based) I would have summers off because she complained of being alone. Two years ago, she had me convinced that I needed to divorce my husband...I even filed for divorce..it wasn't until the poor man recieved them with no fore warning that I came out of her "trance" to see that I was doing a horrible thing. I am so lucky that he loves me like he does...he has fogiven me without a second thought.

We live in a state where the unemployement rate is one of the worst...after things have gotten worse and worse...My husband and I have decided to move our family to another state. We have not been able to leave yet, as (more bad luck...) I broke my foot almost 12 weeks ago, which ended up needing surgery to repair it 5 weeks ago. So we have decided to let the kids finish with school here and make our move in the summer.

Okay...my brother the abuser, lashed out at me (over the phone) several months ago...that is when the worst of the nightmares and the flashbacks started. I had been having some minor flashbacks before that, triggered of all things a tv show I watched in which a young girl was abused. (it wasn't grafic, it just gave you the idea that she was abused). I have talked to the therapist about confronting both my brother and my mother...she says I am not ready...

I was wondering if anyone else had ever confronted an abuser after all these years? After pretending nothing had happened and worried that your going to be the crazy in the family if you say anything. Thank you all for being here...

Nixtribe

Hi Nixtribe and

I am sorry you have had so much pain in your life - I was SA by one of my brothers when I was about the same age as you - I dont have many memories either so you are not alone in that.

This may sound a bit harsh.... is there anyway you can find somewhere else for your mother to live? - it really sounds like she is being toxic in your life - what about your brother? she could live with him?

about telling the abuser.... I havnt been able to tell my brother - we both play the nothing happened game - he;s across the otehr side of the world and that helps - my psychologist has helped me sort of settle that in my mind - we text - all my family does - sometimes he put Love you as an ending - I cant put it back to him and it makes me feel..... like that child again - my T asked me to text him and say dont say it but I cant - so I ignore it

It doesnt sound like you can ignore your brother - does he live near you? it would be good if you could move away from him - but will he still visit his/your mum? I fshe lived with him that might help?

If he rings up (your brother ) can you just say - hold on i'll get mum for you and say nothing else > - thats what I did with my sisters husband who used to ring up and abuse me when she was staying at my place the times she left him _ i would just say ok i'll get her and if she didnt want to talk I would tell him that and if he started I would just say "I am not having this conversation and I am hanging up " and then I did! yeah Me! would that work for you?

sorry for the long reply -your post hit several nerves for me and I wanted to let you know you are not alone

p.s., dont forget to keep the lines of communication open with your husband - dont let your mum come between you if you are happy

Welcome to PC. I think you might have the right forum for support. You can also take one of the quizzes here to help define your issues, and maybe help you discuss this further with your T (therapist.)

I'm sorry to hear of the recurrence of bad memories, and I'm sure you are not alone with that. Take care of yourself.

Phoenix...Thanks for your reply. It did make me feel better to know that I am not the only person in the world with these issues and feelings.

I wish it were as easy as having her go live with my brother...but she won't leave. The way the house ended up it is in a trust in her name..so my husband and I are leaving everything and starting over again. The only way I would get anything back out of it is if she were to give it to me. See how I mean manipulative and controlling. She is toxic and I am just going to have to walk away from it all.

The way we have the house set up is my mother has her areas and we have ours. She has her own phone, tv and such...we share the kitchen. She is dependent on me to get anywhere...as she won't drive and will not utilize public transportation. I recently had foot surgery and havn't been able to drive for 6 weeks...my husband has been taking her out once a week to go to the store and get the things she needs. My brother came (and 2 of my sisters) just days after my surgery a few weeks ago and no one offered to take her to do anything useful...they just went out to eat and brought her home.

My brother lives in another state. He comes here on business once in a while to see my mother. When he comes I have been lucky enough to not have to see him much. He rarely stays the night here, but when he does I just stay to myself.

I come to the only conclusion I can and that is just to relocate as soon as possible.. Everytime my brother comes to visit...everyone (my family) thinks he is so wonderful...he has plenty of money...beautiful home, wife and family. I want to tell him I remember...that I know what he is really like, but I know they will think I am crazy...

Nixtribe

getting a fresh start sounds like a good idea - ok you loose some things but you may save your future

Hi NIX. I read your story yesterday and it hit So many nerves that i had to wait to write a response to you. I guess to focus my thoughts on what i would say.

So many things that you said are very similar to parts of my story as well. One of my abusers was also my older brother. My family swept it under the rug and it was never spoken of ever again. Kind of like out of sight out of mind. ... I have also never confronted him (or the others) as an adult about his actions.

My mother is also in a very debilitated spot. Although she has my step-father with her...he is also getting old and has many issues getting around. Therefor, I am her next main support. I get sometimes several phone calls a day from her "just to talk" or to ask me a million questions about my day. She is very depressed and sometimes takes the things i say in a wrong way. I stay in the region i am in mostly for them.

i was also in an extremely abusive relationship with my sons father. I left him 13 years ago with a shattered jaw. To this day i still have dreams from time to time that leave me in a "not so good" place when i wake up.

And finally i have just been told that i suffer from PTSD and have not yet started my treatment. I am still waiting to see the treatment plan that she has waiting for me on the 6th of april.

Maybe, as we both start this journey with multiple things that we have to tackle we could be of great support to each other to know that somewhere out there someone else is fighting all these memories and family issues. I know one of my biggest fears is to have to bring this out to my family and im not sure if I can. There have been times in my life where i see now they have helped create this mess, and then at the same time i have seen how some of them love me tons. The last thing i want to do is make life harder on them if they have been able to move on.

I guess with all this babble lol, I want to assure you that you have found a good place to be (here). I have found that the ppl here are very supportive and do understand. I truly hope that you continue to come back. It has done wonders for me while i wait for my next session to be able to express my fears and thoughts in a safe place.

Be Strong and Be well ~~ Jenn

You have hit the nail on the head...right now I am so angry because I feel that I have to fight to take care of my family...(fight for my home)...but if I stay here I loose myself, then what good am I to them.

I do see that the ones responsible for the way I am and how I have been off and on all these years have moved on... I think that is what messes with me the most. They have moved on...lead normal lives. They are successful, without ever feeling obligated to get approval from our mother. There is where I get my anger!

It is wonderful to know you and to know that I have support of those here and that I can vent, rant and cry if I need to. Thanks for your response. I have a long road ahead...and I am scared. I have made it through bad things before, so what is one more time?

Nixtribe