[phoenix7]

ok, so I never work thursdays - my working week is sat to wed - now theyt have changed my days to work thursdays - sun to thur - no big deal - but I got really anxious aobut it - about everything lately..... sigh.... and then I realised why I had changed my days two years ago -

we have outpatients clinic on thursdays - ex patients come and see the dr on my ward - the guy that attacked me is an ex-patient - I dont know if he still goes to the clinic - I don't want to see him - EVER!!! he probably doesnt go anymore..... im probably being silly.... it's been 2 years - over two years.... I dont think he would still be going to clinic - but I'm still afraid.... and dont want to ask in case they say yes he does still come - he probably doesnt - it's been two years - and it sounds so easy - to just ask... but it's not... then they will know I am not over it.... sigh.....

[snowflakes]

phoenix7,

the fact the you still get affected by him or his presence means the you are really not over it. although it is precipitating at times, exposing yourself to the ones who did something bad to you may have helped it a little. i know it is hard but who knows? in a week or two, you are through with him.

please do take care and be safe...

snowflakes

[phoenix7]

thanks snowflakes - dont think i could face them (them ?) him - wouldnt trust myself - id either run or ...... dunno ..... cant think too tired - don't want to play this game anymore!

doesnt really matter - if I see him - I see him - if I dont I dont - I have no control of that - sigh..... off to bed - maybe things will look better in the morning... night all. take care P7

[Sannah]

I think that you should be able to find out if he is still a patient and I think that you have every right to know if and when he is coming in and to not have to deal with him at all if he is coming in.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I think that you should be able to find out if he is still a patient and I think that you have every right to know if and when he is coming in and to not have to deal with him at all if he is coming in.

thanks Sannah - I got up the courage and asked my boss if she could find out and she said she will - fingers crossed.

[susie2009]

I am glad your finding out if he is still at the clinic. I think it stays with us with the person, because I can still remember every detail of the person that held me at gun point more then ten years ago. If I see him in store I drop my stuff and go out the door. I still do, even people that look like him a little bit make me scared.

[froggie2]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

thanks Sannah - I got up the courage and asked my boss if she could find out and she said she will - fingers crossed.

Good for you. That took courage. Keeping you in my prayers.

[miray]

It's great that you are finding out. You shouldn't have to worry about running into him there. That is your safe place. I'm sure he doesn't go there anymore, but just say he does, you can figure out an alternative day or schedule or something to make sure you don't run into him. I moved six hours away from everyone I knew to avoid dealing with, seeing, or running into my molester or rapist. That was definitely not the right route. Avoiding dealing with it at all festers terribly until it finally comes out. You are very brave for doing all you can to make sure to get better. I'm sure things will work out for you!

[Kumid]

I think your courage is wonderful. I have been reading the posts made in response to you since this thread opened...and i must say this kind of hits home on one of my issues.

I am terrified of my bio. father. We do not live in the same town anymore but i am only 20 min from him. Every time i go into his town i feel my nerves kick in. I stay away from places I know he would frequent and when i go food shopping i find myself circling the parking lot looking for his and my step-mothers car. I have often said to friends that if he walked around the corner in a store I would probably pee and pass out; I always say it with a chuckle. I believe that is my way of handling it...by trying to make a joke. I have yet to run into him and to be honest i pray that I never do. I wouldn't know what to say or do beyond trying not to have a coronary.

I hope that someday I will have the same strength as you. To do everything i can to over come this fear. I think the fact that you haven't turned down the change in schedule and that you are trying to deal with this head on proves to me that strength is out there. thank you for that

[phoenix7]

Hi susie2009 - im sorry that you still have to see this person - its a shame he doesnt move away

Hi froggie2 - I think of myself more as a giant chicken lol than having courage - maybe I was just a little bit brave

Hi miray, work is no longer my safe place I have two semi safe places now though - my T's office and my flat - semi-safe is good enough for now - its not long ago that I thought nowhere is safe - so thats an improvement - I hope you ahve a T helping you get throgh this

Hi Kumid, I dont have a choice in turning down the schedule change or I probably would have (my middle name should be avoidance or denial! )
I have just been getting so anxious about it that I asked - so prob not brave at all - I use humour too to get past things where I can

I was hoping there would be an email saying if he was an outpatient or not when I got to work sat - thats 3 days after I asked about it - but no email - which may mean I have to ask again sigh..........

[Kumid]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

Hi Kumid, I dont have a choice in turning down the schedule change or I probably would have (my middle name should be avoidance or denial! )
I have just been getting so anxious about it that I asked - so prob not brave at all - I use humour too to get past things where I can

Hi Phoenix.... I truly hope this all works out for you. Just seeing all the posts that have been made it sure is nice to see all the ppl in your corner. And, maybe the fact that each of us sit here and type to each other shows a sign of courage and strength You are in my thoughts as I travel through out my day. Be strong

[phoenix7]

so my boss didnt ask - shes been too busy - so I went and asked and they cant tell me because they dont have the list of whos coming....

I give up

[Kumid]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

so my boss didnt ask - shes been too busy - so I went and asked and they cant tell me because they dont have the list of whos coming....

I give up

Don't give up Phoenix..., I don't have any wonderful advice or remarkable words for you beyond.... Don't ever give up!!!!!!!!!

You are in my thoughts as i go through my day! Be safe and Be well ~~ Jenn

[phoenix7]

thanks Kumid - I guess I will just have to see who turns up tomorrow

[Fuzzybear]

[phoenix7]

thanks fuzzybear - he didnt turn up last thursday - am workingthis thursday so will just have to see if he turns up then- hopefully not

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

they cant tell me because they dont have the list of whos coming....

????????????? Is it a walk in clinic or something without appts?

[phoenix7]

no its all prearranged but the dr doesnt give his list til the last minute cos he thinks the world revolves around him

[Sannah]

Can you look at that list at the last minute then? Could you explain to him what you need to know so that maybe you could get more info earlier?

[phoenix7]

will try tomorrow - no luck today - sigh... wish me luck

[Sannah]

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!

[phoenix7]

couldnt see dr - was on tenderhooks all day - SO I should feel better now cos I didnt see him - right - then why dont I ...... will be ok tomorrow -

[Sannah]

The thing that would help you to feel a lot better is if you knew for sure that you would never see him again. You don't have this guarantee so I would assume that this is what is keeping you on edge?

I know that if you saw him you would be really triggered but you can handle a trigger? Was his attack a "patient out of control" attack that might never happen again? I guess what I am getting at is what is the worst thing that could happen if you do see him again?

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Sannah

The thing that would help you to feel a lot better is if you knew for sure that you would never see him again. You don't have this guarantee so I would assume that this is what is keeping you on edge?

after he attacked me and other staff members - management interviewed everyoe about it and they said what can we do to make you feel better about this and I said tell me he will never come back to this hospital again - and they said we cant do that - our dr goes to another hospital and they could have said this guy will go to the other hospital if he needs to see the dr but they didnt - this made me feel (and the others he attacked ) that his needs (which cold still be met elsewhere) were more important than ours - we felt like somthing you should scrape off your shoes

I know that if you saw him you would be really triggered but you can handle a trigger? Was his attack a "patient out of control" attack that might never happen again? I guess what I am getting at is what is the worst thing that could happen if you do see him again?

he has a history of violence against women - they didnt tell us that - nurses dont need to know that! - we could have been on guard - we could have removed thigns that could be used as weapons - I guess Im still angry - the worst thing that could happe... he could recognise me and attack - or I might attack him lol (not!) or nithing might happen and he might not even see me (nurses are often invisible till you need them) I am being triggered so often at the mement I may not be able to cope -

I have changed anti-d's and am waiting for the new ones to work which doesnt help - I havnt got another thursday for a couple of weks - duringthat time i think i just have to find the dr and ask him - but i am having so much trouvle staying in control at the moment - dont know if i cna talk about it or ask - everything sets me offf - its like all my alarms aare set to maximum - can tground myself ..

[Sannah]

I understand Phoenix what you are saying. Can't wait til you can have your therapy appt. I wish that I had a way to help you to feel safe!