PTSD Diagnosis - Question

Hi, I'm new to the board, and was diagnosed with chronic PTSD with delayed onset about a year ago. I don't suffer from any visual manifestations of the disorder (flashbacks, hallucinations, etc.), but I do have nightmares, which seem completely unrelated to the traumatic events, save for the fact that occassionally the perpetrator is present in them. But, I do suffer from many of the other criteria, including, insomnia, hypervigilence, and feelings of "being there" (i.e. an emotional flashback - as I was told).

My PTSD is related to incidents that occurred twenty years ago - as a small child I was molested by a neighboring adult (male), the abuse lasting for around three years. However, my symptoms of PTSD didn't truly surface until I gave birth to my first child over seven years ago. Since then, my symptoms have grown more troublesome and severe at points, while easing at other points. Never have they completely alleviated, however.

I have found it increasingly difficult to function normally within society, and have a string of simple phobias that seem to have just popped up for no apparent reason, including, but not limited to: sitophobia (fear of food/eating), emetophobia (fear of vomiting), acrophobia (fear of heights - specifically in my case, fear of ladders, climbing up and down), and achluophobia (fear of darkness). These phobias combine with my already jumpy nature to make most of my life feel like a giant obstacle to overcome. Atop it all, I am slightly agoraphobic, and have problems speaking in public places.

It has been related to me that my phobias are common amongst people who have suffered molestation as a child, however, I am wondering why it is that most of my symptoms only became noticable after the birth of my first daughter - nearly twelve years after the abuse ended?

Is this a common course for this type of disorder? And is there a possibility, despite the fact that I have been suffering from it for many years, that I will be able to function normally within society, and rid myself of the simple phobias that plague me on a daily basis?

If any of you have similar histories and responses to this type of abuse, please post your thoughts. I have been in counseling for this issue for quite some time, as well as seen a few psychiatrists, none of which seem to know how to help me uncover the core issues and alleviate the problems.

Thank you beforehand.

Hi Moonsilk,

Except for the phobias, your post could almost be mine. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. My flashbacks of childhood molestation began within about a year of my daughter's birth (which was about 22 years after my abuse), and from what i've read that's not uncommon. I don't understand why, but it happens. I get images and emotions on different occasions, usually prompted by something I associate with the abuse or abuser. I only sleep well by exhausting myself first -- I simply don't close my eyes until I can't hold off the sleep any longer. I'm not recommending you do this, but letting you know I have sleep problems too. I've had problems functioning in society also. For example, I used to avoid any kind of crowd, I could never pay for anything with exact change for fear I counted wrong and would be hauled back to the cashier, I could never go out in public with my shirt untucked, I used to buy new shoes all the time because I would feel people hated the pair I just bought the week before and thought I looked bad in them. I once went eight months wearing only one of two pairs of almost identical pants because they were the only ones I thought I looked good in. I usually don't eat a meal unless other people are around to eat with me. I could go on, but hopefully you will find comfort in this knowing you are not alone. But most importantly, yes, things can get better. I haven't bought new shoes in the last six months and now wear any number of different pants. Some of this progress had to come with accountability to others and very deliberate efforts. For example, I once pledged in group therapy to go to at least one store with my shirt untucked before our next therapy session. I went to the store, shirt untucked, and tried to make eye contact with people. No one was noticing me at all and that gave me confidence that I didn't have be afraid of going out in public without looking "perfect". I also began to realize I was overcompensating for low self-esteem by trying to project an image that I was fully put together. I have to give myself permission not to try to be perfect and accept that I'm on a journey of recovery that will take time. Really, you're not alone, and you can feel and function better. Stay close to those who love you and keep talking about your feelings and experiences. In my experience, this will help. It may be slow, but it will help. Every time I hug my daughter I know the effort is worth it.

mtd

Hi, mtd. ^^

Thank you for your input - it answered a lot of questions, and gives me a sense of hope. I, myself, have, similar to you, tried to simply repeatedly confront my fear(s) with varying degrees of success.

One I mentioned in my original post, my fear of ladders, I confront regularly by climbing ladders despite the fear. That one tends to lighten once the task is complete, but has never dissipated entirely. Nevertheless, it has been much worse in the past.

Most recently, my troubles center around oral fixations, i.e. my fear of food/eating, and my fear of vomiting. I know that within the context of my abuse there was a great deal of oral copulation (me as the giver, him as the reciever), and I can hazzard a guess that this part of my abuse is the underlying culprit of the phobias. However, knowing this does not ease the phobia, and eating is so difficult at times that sometimes I won't eat at all, or will only eat specific foods.

Case in point, there was one episode where I would eat nothing but plain bagels with cream cheese and mashed potatoes with butter - period. And, of that, I usually only ate once a day. I was (and still am) constantly worried that what I was (am) putting in my mouth was (is) "tainted" and would (will) make me ill.

As of late, I force myself on a daily basis to eat, but it doesn't alleviate the fear. It's there everytime I think about food, and everytime I touch it, look at it, etc. I wonder if I am poisoning my family when I prepare a meal (though I have never failed to feed them food I have made, and so far, none have become ill from my cooking), and have actively avoided preparing food when the fear is intense (my husband cooks in my place).

It's very troubling, and the reason behind why I am a very thin person (5'8" and 110-115 lbs.) as well. But, it seems that facing this particular fear regularly is doing little if nothing to help alleviate it.

I eat to stay alive, and that is all. I would like to regain my former ideals regarding food...before all these phobias popped up...

At one time, eating was a pleasure to be enjoyed, not a task to be endured.

If you, or anyone else, has a way to overcome this particular phobia, a way that perhaps I am not seeing, the advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you again, and do take care.

I can't believe I am not alone when it comes to the darkness anxiety and fear.

Sorry, I am new here also. 32 year old mother of 6 (3 mine, 3 step) and have a husband that is wonderful, but this has been no picnic to get through.

I have ptsd and panic with depression. I am a sexual abuse survivor (dad), and am struggling with many symptoms that 'regular' people would never understand. I am living in Philadelphia and looking for a support group, but have been unable to find one as of yet.

The dissociation is of real concern to me, because it will sometimes trigger my panic attacks. I hate to be alone, or even just awake alone. I always feel very afraid, like I'm in the middle of a bad horror movie. This has been happening alot lately in the past month. Nothing before that.

I really need a support group, face to face / this support forum, to help me deal with this.

Thanks for listening,
Toyheart

Try these....for "face to face" support groups as well:
Friends Hospital
_______________
http://www.pathways2promise.org/resources/support.htm
[url]

toyheart, I also live in the Philadelphia area, and may be able to help you find a support group. If you would like, you can send me a PM (private message) here, or e-mail me at mezzojo@hotmail.com, and we can talk about it in more detail.

*hugs*
mj