ptsd, sex with gf, orientation question, ugh

I'm pretty messed up right now and this is my first post. Part of this post will not pertain to sexuality but it is being included because I dont feel it warrants its own thread. Im just gonna lay it all out.

I am 22, male, Caucasian, suburbs, east coast. I have a girlfriend of about a year. There is plenty about her I could say about sometimes I hate her and sometimes I want to hug her. But for now, I think she wants to have sex more than me. I feel weird because society tells me men want it more....and society tells me lots of things that I dont feel that I am. I would much rather have it once or twice a week and have it mean a lot. Wait till we are both charged and in great moods so we can have amazing sex. I feel like she just wants it all the time, many times. I had sex with her 5 times the other night!

The next part of my rant is on orientation. I had considered myself straight until I was probably around 19-20. I have had sex with 9 women and believe I was in love with 2 or 3 of them. Maybe more if i had had a chance to get to know them . Now I am confused because slowly I began wondering if I wasnt straight. I looked at gay porn and found that it usually REALLY turns me on.....I dont usually get erections that hard. I dont understand because I had not ever consciously known about this kind of thing before I was older. I dont think I was attracted to guys or anything. Gay porn seems to be more arousing that straight porn which seems boring to me, usually. I dont know what this means and it FREAKS ME OUT. I dont like being on the fence about things especially when it comes to who I have sex with and get romantically involved with. I want to be with someone and not worry if I am doing the right thing...I want to know my life is not being lived false, no matter what. I want to know for sure.

Next. I was involved in an incident where someone was killed recently. I locked eyes with this individual and then they were savagely killed by a 9mm to the head. Honestly, as tough as I thought I was, I am having some real problems with this...big problems. crying, feelings of self hurt, guilt, feeling sorry, etc.

Hi champion and welcome to PC! I edited your post to add a trigger icong, its the red circle with the X that we use when content of a post might be triggering, and I added it because of the horrible experience you had with the gun....that must have been aweful!!

I want sex more than my boyfriend too. We've never done it 5 times in a day, but it started off all hot and heavy and now its once a week if I'm lucky. I'm glad to know he's not the only one, and maybe I can get some insight from you.

As far as gay porn, I find that lesbian scenes turn me on more then the hetero sex. Even though I've never been with a woman. As far as the hetero sex, I've never had sex like they do in porn lol, so it doesn't do much for me. But for some reason the lesbian scenes turn me on. I think for me, its because its something totally different, but oddly exciting. I can't explain it either. But I don't worry about it too much.

Where the PTSD is concerned, I have no idea what to say. I've never experienced anything remotely like it. We do have a PTSD forum here too, so maybe that might help.

Anyway, I'm glad you've found us!!


Rayna

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Raynaadi said:

As far as gay porn, I find that lesbian scenes turn me on more then the hetero sex. Even though I've never been with a woman. As far as the hetero sex, I've never had sex like they do in porn lol, so it doesn't do much for me. But for some reason the lesbian scenes turn me on. I think for me, its because its something totally different, but oddly exciting. I can't explain it either. But I don't worry about it too much.


Rayna

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Thank you. The quoted paragraph will help me immensely as just knowing others are like me is more helpful than you know. My girlfriend has also said essentially the same thing, "only lesbian porn excites me." I guess I had to hear it twice.

Thank you for adding the warning, I guess I should have included a disclaimer or something before I let people read this. When I close my eyes I see this individual....this was actually today, and I am seeking help for it. You see death in movies but its soooo different in your face, close enough to smell. I'll stop if it is too much for anyone to read what I write, i just figure its better to not stay inside me.

champion

It was your first post, so I figured you wouldn't know about our nifty little trigger icon. I am very glad you're getting help for this terrible thing you've witnessed. I imagine it will be a long road, but over time, you will prevail. I'm so so so glad you found us here. This is a wonderful community!!!!

I have the same feelings as Raynaadi. I'm a straight woman but lesbian porn turns me on too. Don't know what it is about it.. probably just that it's different.

As for the PTSD stuff, I suffer from that as well.. there is the forum for that, but if you aren't seeing someone about it (therapist or other doctor) you might want to consider that. Sometimes things happen in life that are just too difficult for us to handle on our own.