Paxil withdrawal is destroying my relationship - I think?

I posted this story over on the "relationships" board but I thought it might be appropriate here too. I'm feeling very alone and just wanted to reach out and see if maybe anyone here would be willing to offer advice/a listening ear.

I've been with my boyfriend almost a year - I know, not long - but I thought he was the one. We have discussed a future together, marriage, kids, etc. I thought we were very compatible except for a few minor things - but you can't be exactly alike, that's boring (not to mention kinda weird).

Anyway, he'd been on Paxil (10 mg) for anxiety and insomnia for about six months when he decided to go off of it cold turkey. That was two weeks ago. He said it made him feel emotionally numb and apathetic about everything.

He'd been acting really distant and not like himself for the two weeks prior to going off the meds. But in the two weeks since, he's a totally different person. He won't respond when I say I love him. He says he just wants to always be alone because it's the only time he doesn't worry. That being around me and my son is stressful. That being in my house is stressful. After a couple of long talks, I came to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for him is remove the pressure of me being in his life. I told him to let me know if I could do anything and to just get better. I gave him the number of a counselor I like. I made him promise to call his doctor Monday.

That was Friday night. I haven't heard from him since, I'm not surprised by that. But I'm totally heartbroken. I had to force myself to eat last night after a day and half of no appetite. I can barely get out of bed. Can't stop crying. I miss him so much. I'm so sad for him. So worried about him. I think the worse part is that he won't say he loves me. I've been trying to convince myself that it's not because he doesn't love me, but because his head is just so messed up right now that he can't express it or feel it in the normal way. But I really don't believe myself and just can't stop thinking he doesn't love me anymore. That he just stopped for some reason. Went from him telling me I was the most amazing person he'd ever met to just... not loving me anymore. In about a month's time.

The other part of this saga is that he heard a rumor that he may be being transferred to the other side of the state in August. He's had some money problems lately so he wants to accept (he doesn't have to) because it would come with a raise. So he would basically choose money/career over me. So that's probably the second most painful thing for me. Right after him not loving me - that I'm worth something less than $20k to him. And it makes me pretty hopeless - even if he does somehow get his anxiety under control and start acting normal again, he may be gone in two months anyway.

Yeah there is something called ssri discontinuation syndrome...what is basically acute withdrawal lasts around 6 weeks but it can last for years as well in some people

SSRI discontinuation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So I'm wondering if he was being treated for social anxiety....if so dating or even regular interaction with other people may be not just difficult but actually unpleasant for him....it's something beyond being shy. Think of something that makes you nervous...snakes spiders etc...now imagine that someone told you that in order to get something you want like affection that you would have to endure a hundred of those things crawling on your skin....would you do it or would you simply choose to go without affection...

The withdrawal phase for a lot of drugs is worse than the condition was to start with so it's possible he'll be more comfortable over time but at the same time when you have severe social anxiety it's typically easier to avoid social interactions all together....sometimes therapy can be helpful with these conditions but a lot depends on the severity.

No, I believe it was just general anxiety. He is an introvert but because of his career has become very good at social interaction. He doesn't love it and needs to be alone to regroup, but I don't think he's every had crippling social anxiety that made it specifically unpleasant to be around others. He told me once that I was one of the few people that wasn't hard to be around - that I didn't take energy like other people did. Changed a bit now, huh?

Ok well if it's not social anxiety it probably is the withdrawal and you have to let him work through it but be supportive and available so he know you're there for him in whatever role he needs. I know it's hard to deal with but most of these psych meds were only approved for short term use so a lot of people do get to a point where they are either no longer effective or desirable for whatever reason. It's better to taper off the meds but it's too late for that now...the best you can do is wait it out....send him a text every now and then to make sure he knows you're there to help...

Thank you. I will do that. Probably give him a few days at least. I did promise to leave him alone...

I do not think the SSRI's like Paxil are very effective for anxiety and I don't see at all how it would help insomnia. Not a good choice for his condition in my opinion. If he is having withdrawal from it then that sucks. I would really hope he could get effective treatment for whatever condition he has and become like the person you know and love. That would take a lot of willingness and work on his part.

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Well, the insomnia was pretty much exclusively caused by the anxiety - so when the anxiety calmed down (and it did) the insomnia was mostly cured. So in his case it seemed to work okay, he just wasn't happy with the side effects.

So, no word from bf yet. I don't know how long I thought this would take but now I have anxiety waiting for the breakup phone call. Can't eat, can't concentrate. Knots in my stomach that won't go away, heart feels like it's racing.

don't let that stress you.

As someone who was on Paxil and many other SSRI's, they are relationship killers. Although it is an AD, Paxil is extremely useful for anxiety and is approved to treat social anxiety. Your bf's withdrawal symptoms sound identical to my side effects when I was taking Paxil: apathy, low energy, low sex drive, isolation, lack of interest in anything, really. It took a huge effort to hold a conversation and I never showed any affection to my h.

His withdrawal sound like my side effects: depression. This may last a couple of weeks and get progressively better with time. I have heard that of all the SSRI's, Paxil is the worst to come off. I understand this must be very painful, just try to keep the perspective that it is most likely depression caused by coming off his meds and has nothing at all to do with you. I know it is easier said than done, I'm sorry you have to experience this.

Well, I'll stick it out as long as I can. Which might be another day, maybe two? Kidding, kind of. Since I can't be sure it's the medication or the withdrawal from it, it's hard for me to keep hope.

I really want to give up. I've hit a valley - I was doing a little better last week but for some reason today and yesterday I'm anxious and depressed again. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up...

You can be there for your bf, but you can't (and shouldn't) sacrifice your own mental health for him. You've been more than supportive and beyond that there isn't much you can do. You cannot control what your bf is going through, only he can, so I think it's important that you let him be and focus on yourself . I know that's much easier said than done, so you'll have to decide what you can handle, but just keep your own needs in the forefront if you can. I'm really sorry, I do understand it is painful.

Well I wish I'd done a little better job of taking your advice. I got a little drunk last night and then took Xanax to sleep, didn't think it would have the effect it had. Which was an emotional breakdown culminating in a 911 call. Then I spent the night in detox. One of the worst nights of my life.

Saw my counselor today. He made me feel much better, much less like a crazy person. Confirmed my "diagnosis" of bf with globalized anxiety disorder.

I think the way all this is going to end is I'm going to give him one more week (while his bro is in town on the off-chance bro might be able to talk some sense into him) and then have "the talk". I'm just going to tell him how much he's hurt me, that I think he needs help, and that we're over. Without cussing him out. Wish I could stick around to love and help him but he doesn't want it and is moving anyway. So this is it unless there is some miraculous turnaround.

Today was a bad day. I got sucked into what happened with his ex, so I searched his Facebook until I found her and then looked through her public profile on Facebook. When that wasn't enough, I created a fake Facebook profile and friended her so I could see the rest of it. She didn't accept so I never got to see it. I came to my senses and deleted the fake profile but I sure feel like I'm losing my mind here. Hey, at least it's not detox.

I also saw him while out driving around today. Oh my god did that hurt.

I'm coming off a 40 mg dose now due to lack of $ @ insurance. I've had to do this before and it is horrible! I learned the hard way to wean gradually but still suffer horrible headaches, fits of rage and major isolation. Sometimes I don't like to be around the people who usually make me feel better more? I'm worried now for myself and everyone in my house Hope this gives you some perspective. Try to focus on yourself right now, besides giving you something else to think about, you are the most important person to yourself right now!

Final update:

After almost of month of no contact, except for that one night when I texted him how it was going, I finally insisted on a sit-down conversation with BF. He was resistant, but I insisted he give me what explanation he could.

So we're officially done, as of a week ago. I don't know if it was the Paxil or just an incompatibility. His reasons include that he couldn't imagine living with my son and me because we have different parenting styles and because he's neurotic about cleaning, and also his job is transferring him and he doesn't want to take me away from here because I have a lot going for me here.

It's been hard. I've never been so hurt by another living person. I never met a man that I thought I could marry. He was my best friend and it all just seemed to happen so fast. I guess I'm doing pretty good, I still cry every day but I am functioning and taking pretty good care of myself. So I guess that's the end of the story. Thank you all for listening and giving support and advice. I really do appreciate it.