[Monicaarogers87]

I feel like I've been on this hell-journey for so long and I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully get some insight from other people.

I initially went to my PCP for horrible panic attacks four years ago and was put on an antidepressant and xanax which didn't really work. The panic attacks got slightly better when I would take xanax, but they were out of control and the antidepressant didn't do anything (I literally can't remember which one it was because I've been on I believe 8 at this point). He tried me on a couple and I started seeing a psychologist and then went to a psychiatrist who said he couldn't help me before I found my current psychiatrist who has been amazing but also has put me through the ringer pharmacologically. The first thing she did was test me genetically and found out I was both resistant to most antidepressants and also susceptible to side-effects. So I was put on one pill after another with add-on pills to try to control the side-effects from the other pills and meanwhile, I developed this crippling depression that I didn't even have to begin with! I see my therapist every week or two and was feeling like a crazy person because I would convince myself I was going to get better "this time" and then plummet back down. I even got a full round of ketamine infusions which magically fixed my anxiety but did **** for my depression. It literally wasn't until I read some self help books and got fed up with my rock bottom that I decided to dig my way out despite the fact that I feel absolutely no emotions or connections to other humans. Months went by where I was functionally doing amazingly and looked great from an outsiders POV, but inside I felt NOTHING. FINALLY I convinced my psychiatrist yesterday to let me stop my current antidepressant (Viibryd) and see how I do off of it and I am so hopeful that I will get my emotions back because I had about a week when I was transitioning onto it where I almost felt normal for the first time in years.

Right now I'm taking 30mg buspar, 10mg metoprolol, 2mg Rexulti, 60mg Vyvanse, 1mg Klonopin 3x daily as needed (thankfully haven't needed this in months!) and just stopped 20mg Viibryd cold turkey (doctor's recommendation) all for my anxiety and this ****** acquired depression.

The best way to describe how I feel is that I'm pushing myself through life and experiencing things, but I don't feel them. I don't feel connections to people or things. I don't feel experiences. I don't feel sad or happy or angry. I am able to have orgasms again, but I don't feel it through my body. When I eat, I taste it but it doesn't satisfy me. I feel a sense of achievement from completing tasks, but I don't feel any satisfaction. I feel like a zombie robot with a wet blanket over my soul and it makes it really hard to keep trying to push myself to keep up these routines of bettering my life for myself and those around me.

I'm really hopeful that finally being off of these ****** antidepressants for the first time in years will help pull me out of the funk I've been in for years. If it does work, the next step will be stopping the Rexulti since it's pointless to be on without the antidepressant. Has anyone else been through something similar?

*Edit: I also take daily B12, iron, and vitamin D. My psychiatrist also monitors my labs and I exercise daily and my health is completely fine. Besides anxiety which was manageable without treatment prior to 2014, I have no mental health history or any reason why I would feel this way.. no bipolar disorder, no personality disorders, just anxiety and depression.

[marcoleap]

Your description of depression is really powerful and rings true for me. I'm sorry you're going through this. Nobody should have to feel like the walking dead. I tried slowly tapering off of Zoloft last year and my depression and anxiety returned with a vengeance, so I'm reluctant to tell anyone that discontinuing an SSRI is a good idea. But everyone's experience is different. Maybe for you the meds are preventing you from having access to your feelings instead of allowing you to feel your feelings without your nervous system freaking out (my experience with Zoloft has been the latter). I would just work closely with your pdoc. Also, if you aren't in talk therapy, you should really consider it. My own experience is that the meds only do so much. I have a great therapist who practices a method called Internal Family Systems, and it has helped me immensely. There are good studies that show the combination of meds + therapy is better than meds alone.

[Monicaarogers87]

Originally Posted by marcoleap

Your description of depression is really powerful and rings true for me. I'm sorry you're going through this. Nobody should have to feel like the walking dead. I tried slowly tapering off of Zoloft last year and my depression and anxiety returned with a vengeance, so I'm reluctant to tell anyone that discontinuing an SSRI is a good idea. But everyone's experience is different. Maybe for you the meds are preventing you from having access to your feelings instead of allowing you to feel your feelings without your nervous system freaking out (my experience with Zoloft has been the latter). I would just work closely with your pdoc. Also, if you aren't in talk therapy, you should really consider it. My own experience is that the meds only do so much. I have a great therapist who practices a method called Internal Family Systems, and it has helped me immensely. There are good studies that show the combination of meds + therapy is better than meds alone.

I'll have to ask my therapist about that. I go see her every week to two weeks and luckily I see her tomorrow. I'm frustrated because I feel like if I could stay where I am functionally but actually feel my emotions again and not feel so empty, I would be 'normal' again and that's all I want. I'm trying to be hopeful that this change will help but I'm also scared that it won't do anything. I keep bouncing between wanting to just live in the moment and not worry or dwell on the possible outcomes and just wallow in how ****** it is that I ended up this way when I was fine before.

[kecanoe]

My pdoc has affirmed my opinion that the SSRIs and APs numb more than they actually relieve the depression. I definitely experienced the kind of non-feeling that you are describing when I was on multiple meds. Not the exact same combo, but about the same number. And like you, I tried many.

I have slowly tapered off most of my meds. From what I have read a slow taper is less likely to cause a rebound effect. It makes sense to me that if the meds change my body so that there is more seratonin floating around then my body will produce less. So when you go off the meds, it takes a while for the body to start producing more seratonin. The slow taper allows your body to gradually adjust, while a fast one may leave your body desperate for seratonin. Ditto for other meds and their effect.

I feel better off most of my meds.

[Monicaarogers87]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

My pdoc has affirmed my opinion that the SSRIs and APs numb more than they actually relieve the depression. I definitely experienced the kind of non-feeling that you are describing when I was on multiple meds. Not the exact same combo, but about the same number. And like you, I tried many.

I have slowly tapered off most of my meds. From what I have read a slow taper is less likely to cause a rebound effect. It makes sense to me that if the meds change my body so that there is more seratonin floating around then my body will produce less. So when you go off the meds, it takes a while for the body to start producing more seratonin. The slow taper allows your body to gradually adjust, while a fast one may leave your body desperate for seratonin. Ditto for other meds and their effect.

I feel better off most of my meds.

That makes me feel a lot better. I'm feeling pretty crummy today and I'm not sure if it's just withdrawal from the Viibryd or me worrying about it, but I feel pretty awful so it's nice to have some hope that this might just be temporary. I slept HORRIBLY last night, too.

[Misterpain]

What your eperiencing is a very common side effect and one of the biggest reason people disengage from medications "emotional blunting" sure you dont feel anxious or depressed but you also dont feel anything else and that completely sucks , I know someone who had just given birth and felt nothing , like ok that's done back to watching the paint dry, that was her eureka moment ! So just take it easy be gentle with yourself have patience and wait for your friends "emotions" to come back home

[Monicaarogers87]

Well so far I'm having a good day far from perfect, but I actually managed to go out to dinner with friends and enjoy their company and have a good time and it wasn't a robotic task. My mood was overall pretty good today with a small rocky patch in the afternoon that leveled out after a couple of hours. I've been very nostalgic and teary which I honestly welcome because it feels so good to FEEL something real. Overall I'm almost bouncing off the walls with how I feel which sounds crazy.. I'm happy from being a sappy mess but I really am.

[Sam_I_Am]

I too experienced a worsening of some MH symptoms of meds, which led to multiple SSRIs, mood stabilizers, AAPs, and benzos in varying combinations prescribed throughout most of my 20s. I can’t attribute it all to medications (experienced additional traumas in my 20s), and I did have positive benefit from meds at times too. My Dx is/was PTSD along with some generalized anxiety and depression at times. My most successful cocktail was Zoloft, lamictal, Klonopin/vistaril and trazodone.

With my pdocs support, I spent all of 2014 and part of 2015 tapering off lamictal, then Zoloft, then Klonopin. The Zoloft was the hardest and longest, and I had 3 failed attempts at tapering off a few years prior, due to going too fast (I.e at the rate suggested by the clinical literature... some people need to go much slower). My goal was to get off everything, but I couldn’t manage the trazodone because I work weird hours and don’t sleep naturally on my own, esp if I’m not naturally tired. I also did go back on prn klonopin a few months ago, hopefully temporarily, due to situational anxiety.

But overall, I am happier and functioning better off the daily meds than on. I don’t recommend it for everyone, and it took a lot of therapy as well. The point of my story is, if you decide that route, go very slow, have support of pdoc and tdoc, and make sure you have healthy coping skills.

[Minnow]

Monicaarogers87
I'm glad I found this thread. I'm in a very similar situation where I'm not feeling much of anything. I am also starting a slow taper to lower my meds in an attempt to find motivation and drive. My cocktail is Cymbalta, Seroquel and Klonopin. Three days in and I'm ok...
Good luck!