[rainbow8]

I just found out that a T I saw about 20 years ago died a few years ago. I hadn't thought about her much because I didn't get overly attached to her. She was a psychiatrist who did therapy rather than give meds. She was the only T I saw who was much older than I was, and I thought of her more as a doctor. She's the only one I called by her title and not by her first name.

I feel sad that she died. Of course I wonder how I will ever manage if my current T dies. I would feel like I'd lost a close friend or member of my family. It's hard to get close to someone and know that you could lose them. Do others have these thoughts?

[sw628]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just found out that a T I saw about 20 years ago died a few years ago. I hadn't thought about her much because I didn't get overly attached to her. She was a psychiatrist who did therapy rather than give meds. She was the only T I saw who was much older than I was, and I thought of her more as a doctor. She's the only one I called by her title and not by her first name.

I feel sad that she died. Of course I wonder how I will ever manage if my current T dies. I would feel like I'd lost a close friend or member of my family. It's hard to get close to someone and know that you could lose them. Do others have these thoughts?

((Rainbow)))
Thanks for sharing this with us and my condolences are with you.I've done all I can to avoid this topic, and I'm happy you were so brave to shed light on it. I would be in so much pain if my T ever passed. She's just like a mother to me and I can't imagine the enormity of grief I would feel. I just don't want to think or talk about this.

[Amazonmom]

Yeah, I am afraid of liking my T too much or getting attached to her. Because someday she will retire and I will have to get used to a new T! Trusting others is extremely difficult for me. I don't even want to think about my T dying, she is the only T who gave a damn about me really.

I have had some crappy experiences with Ts in the past. I never got any decent help because of this. I finally decided that my new baby doesn't need a mommy who is depressed for years at a time. Now that this T has paid enough attention to figure out what is wrong and wants to help me...I want to pull away. Because I don't want to get my hopes up that things might get better. Of course my diagnosis means I am permanently broken in the head...so things aren't getting any better no matter what! LOL

[deliquesce]

i have spoken about this with my pdoc... sometimes... in a very round about way... LOL - so much so that he won't understand what i'm talking about.

BUT. i have had his reassurance that he isn't retiring any time soon, that he will stay with me until then (oh GOOD. another 20 years, haha).

and - he has told me that if i were to die, he would not cope either. of course, he would get over it eventually because he has to, but his point was that i've touched him just as much as he's touched me. he has told me when some of his previous clients have passed, and how he has coped (or not coped, as the case may be), and it is important to me, in a twisted sort of way, that someone like me could have so much of an impact on him.

so i feel a little safer now. almost like, you have just as much to lose from me leaving as i have to lose from you. i know it is not equal, but it is close enough for me to feel just a tiny bit safer.

[phoenix7]

Im sorry to hear your news one of my old T's is ill and I often wonder how he is and hope he is ok

[Brightheart]

I'm sorry to hear about your old T. That must be very difficult.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned in therapy was that loving anyone and being with that person...in whatever way that you can be with them and for however short a period of time...is well worth the risk of eventually losing them. If we didn't unconsciously feel this way in the first place then our hearts and brains would never allow us to connect at all. We know the therapeutic relationship is a temporary one when we go in to that room...we know that it will eventually end...and yet we still connect. I always found that to be a beautiful thing. The human heart has hope if we could just allow ourselves to feel it.

I think that caring about someone helps us to grow as human beings. It's a contagious thing. Caring brings more caring. I've told my T that I keep his voice with me. Part of him and our relationship has been integrated into me and knowing that feels peaceful. I have a very difficult time with loss...but I think that's really because I love so deeply...and that can't be a bad thing even when it hurts sometimes. Try to focus on the positive and what you've gained, how you've grown from caring about this person and allowing yourself to connect with them and the hurt may not sting so much.

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I'm sorry to hear about your former t. Even though you didn't get overly attached with her, I'm sure you still allowed yourself to be vulnerable with her and shared some very personal thoughts and feelings with her. So there was a connection. It makes sense that hearing about her passing is going to have an effect on you. I'm glad you're acknowledging it and talking about it here.

I'm terrible at coping with loss. To me, it's about the scariest thing in the whole wide world. . .and the reason why, even after working with my t for 10 years, I STILL have not fully put my trust in her and let my guard down. I am just so terrified at the prospect of coming to attach to and love her and then have to lose the relationship. She has told me that she'll be retiring in the next couple of years, so that makes the terror even greater for me.

The old saying. . . "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". . .I still am not sure i believe this. Some of my previous losses have felt life threateningly painful. I suppose if i ever to reach a point where I am securely attached with my t AND THEN able to terminate in a healthy way, it will be miraculous.

[Brightheart]

It doesn't have to be all about the loss of what you once had. It's about knowing that you have the capability to have it at all.

I can honestly say that after leaving therapy, I was in emotional agony for some time...months and months...and the physical aspect of it was excruciating as well. It was as if someone was actually trying to pull my heart out of my chest...I had the most awful and gut-wrenching feeling laying inside me for hours and hours at a time. And yet none of it ever felt like a burden. As I have moved very slowly through this cycle of grief, the pain has lessened, but the love has remained as strong as ever. It makes me believe that perhaps for the very first time in my life I stared loss right in the eye and didn't back down. I let myself feel it. I didn't run away from it. And I'm still here. I'm still strong. The love I feel for him still beats within me. So I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid to love because I'm not afraid of the pain any longer. I can't be with my T, but I didn't lose for loving him. I didn't lose for feeling the pain of missing him. He showed me what I'm capable of. He showed me the love I have to offer. Grief can't ever steal the love in my heart away from me. Love wins.

I really believe it is all about what you choose to give the power to...fear or hope? I'd hate to see anyone denying themselves the joy of living and feeling and caring for another human being. It really is a precious thing.

Peaches100 and Rainbow8