[deliquesce]

he said he is being all "give, give, give" in our relationship and that there needs to be some reciprocality.

so, he is not going to help me challenge any cognitive distortions anymore, it's something i'll have to figure out myself. he gave me a list of common cognitive distortions and said to read through it and do whatever i wanted with it. take it or leave it, he didn't care - it was his job just to give them to me, not to see that i used the techniques.

this must be a world record for the shortest time taken to piss off a T (). but i figure that if someone can figure out in just 4 sessions that i'm only "take, take, take" then i really must be a bad person, because i have been trying my ****ing heart out for him to like me. imagine what he would think if i'd just gone in there those times and been my real self.

anyway. all in all it's just served as timely confirmation that i should stop wasting everyone's time and get out of therapy. i'd been considering this same proposition earlier this week, but had managed to convince myself that the "useless, stupid, selfish bad deli" thing might just have been a cognitive distortion in itself. but - nup - it seems i was right the first time around.

see pdoc tomorrow, so will terminate then. don't know what the procedure is for terminating with new-T, because he is going interstate tomorrow and won't be back until just before my session next week. i have his mobile, so maybe i'll just call and leave a voicemail. hopefully he'll get it early enough so that he can extend his stay if he'd like.

[ECHOES]

*scratching my head*
How did he define the recipocity in terms of what he expects?

[darkrunner]

Deli!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This does not sound like a problem with YOU.
It sounds like T has a problem.

I am so angry that he said these things to you:

he said he is being all "give, give, give" in our relationship and that there needs to be some reciprocality

take it or leave it, he didn't care - it was his job just to give them to me, not to see that i used the techniques.

PLEASE don't blame yourself for his ignorance! There are good Ts out there, and there are bad Ts.
It appears you have a bad T. This is just ridiculous that he would talk to you that way.

I just want to pinch his head off.
PLEASE don't give up!
I think you should terminate with the new T - but can you find another T? Keep seeing pdoc?
Can you tell pdoc what happened with the T?
It really seems like the T handled things badly. Where is the caring and compassion????!!!
Your situation is really upsetting me. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!

(((((((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))))))))))

He said after FOUR SESSIONS that he is all "give, give, give"??!?!!!

That does NOT make you a selfish person. You are in THERAPY, LEARNING new ways to think/be. I would say four sessions in, you're right where you should be.

I wonder if you could see him for one more session before terminating to tell him how he made you feel? Just in case you were hearing him wrong or misinterpreting him, or he was just having an "off" day...

My T said something SO STUPID early in my therapy, like termination-stupid, and I went back and called him on it. He apologized and said he was tired and "not really in the room" right then. I was so mad still, but I decided to give him another chance, and obviously, we're still together so it worked out....

((((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))) thinking of you!

[deliquesce]

the thing is that he's the head psych at the hospital pdoc works for. pdoc swears by him. so surely he can't be bad? he is someone really high up the psych ladder. he is booked out as a private T 6 months in advance. he has set up clinics on all the various problems i present with.

surely if he was a bad apple, he wouldn't have come this far?

[MisanthropicOne]

It may be irrelevant but he is in your employ.. you are his boss during your sessions. So what if he feels he's all give.. that's what he's getting paid for.

You are there, presumably, to address some issues within yourself. Your T is there because you are paying him to help that process along.

[Phoenix1985]

((((((((deliquesce))))))))
Sounds like you have an
awful T there hun. You
deserve better. Are you
in an area where you can
find another T?

[pegasus]

((((( deliquesce ))))

Did the T actually say you were selfish?

I think the T was just saying that you need to do the work aswell. It does need to be a two way thing and maybe he was just giving you a push to start doing the work. I hope you will reconsider when you have calmed down and look at this and see if there are cognitive distortions going on!

[peaches100]

Deli,

T doesn't sound very tactful. Perhaps he was making a bold statement challenging you to see how much effort you would make toward your own healing. Some t's are like that -- they speak things direct and kind of in your face. I know I'd have a hard time with a t that was that direct/in my face because i get my feelings hurt so easily. I don't see him calling you selfish though. I know you feel badly, but please don't make too hasty of a decision to quit. You are NOT bad!!

[mixedup_emotions]

I too wonder if it's just a tactic to get you to see things in a different way, to test your reaction, etc. I know that in my group T, some things that felt seemingly hurtful - once explained - were valuable lessons, even though the words hurt.

It still sucks nonetheless.

[Mouse_]

Deli, I find it almost unbelievable that your T said that too you. Sounds almost like a repeat of a dysfunctional parent. I agree what others have said here, he is in your employ so to speak, but thats besides the point, it was unkind of him to have said that and even think that. I feel angry just reading it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I wonder if there was some counter transference going on....Hmmm....

[Dinah]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

the thing is that he's the head psych at the hospital pdoc works for. pdoc swears by him. so surely he can't be bad? he is someone really high up the psych ladder. he is booked out as a private T 6 months in advance. he has set up clinics on all the various problems i present with.

surely if he was a bad apple, he wouldn't have come this far?

I had a therapist like that once. For about four weeks. Then we mutually agreed that this was not going to work out. Had he not agreed, I would have unilaterally decided this was not going to work out.

He considered himself direct. I considered him rude.

Unfortunately the fact that he's an important man does not make him a better therapist.

Some people do well with this sort of therapist. Others do not. He's not likely to change, so if this isn't a style that meshes well with your needs, it's perfectly ok to find someone who is less... "direct".

[imapatient]

Deli go back and check your interpretation. What I read out of the give-give-give thing was that he was saying that you're not doing any work. You show up, he presents suggestions, things for you to think about and do, and you don't follow-though. Like you're expecting him to solve your problems and to change your life.

If a T has a patient who's being passive and not showing interest in doing anything themselves---take-take-take--at some point it's a waste of time for both parties. You can lead the horse to water....

I'm with Pegasus in thinking it was a deliberate, tough for of confrontation to shock you, hopefully into sense or to at the least get a dialogue going about why you're not participating so actively. I don't see it as a judgment of you as a person as you seem to think. I don't think he's saying you have a problem with being selfish out in the real world. Poor choice of words on his part.

It's very easy to want to "cut and run" from a T when things are uncomfortable.

Check it out with him. Tell him your interpretation. Get him to clarify. I think he wants that discussion.

Tell podc about it. Since he knows Austin, maybe he can give you insight into A's style and pro opinion about the approach taken in general.

Don't unilaterally terminate. The only one hurt by that is you, and you will be hurt. Stick with it for a while (at least).

[sunrise]

The session sounds hurtful.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

he said he is being all "give, give, give" in our relationship and that there needs to be some reciprocality.

Usually it's the client who wants more reciprocity, not the therapist. He's not your standard T, I guess.

he is not going to help me challenge any cognitive distortions anymore

If he said this to me, I would say, "great. I'm tired of CBT too, and it's not that helpful. I look forward to a different approach in therapy. What do you propose?" ("Have you heard of Lifespan Integration?" )

it was his job just to give them to me, not to see that i used the techniques

This comment and his feeling that all he does in therapy is "give, give, give" makes him sound really burnt out with being a therapist. Maybe his week off will do him good. I think you should talk to him about this. If he really is burnt out, a new therapist with more enthusiasm and stamina would probably serve you better.

Please don't put this all on yourself, Deli. One of the things my T sometimes tells me is that instead of reacting to someone who appears to have slighted you with hurt and hackles up, turn to them with interest and ask them, with curiousity, to clarify what they said, and listen to them carefully. He said a lot of times you learn something and end up not needing to be hurt or angry after all. But if you try that and get only verification (e.g. "when I told you that you were a butthead, that's exactly what I meant"), then there is time to be hurt or pissed off or shrug your shoulders and leave them behind.

[KUREHA]

Sorry it didn't go well

I think Imapatient made some good points though.

I think you should maybe keep your next appointment and see how that goes, then decide after that.

[deliquesce]

lol, sunny, i like your LI comment inserted there. it made me laugh .

i think you guys could be right - he meant it as a confrontation or something, trying to challenge me to do more. i guess it's the wrong 'style' for me, though - my old T used to do this too, but i would just end up crying. don't know new-T enough to cry in front of him yet, so i guess he had no clue how much it hurt. but this T did say that his style was quite confronting in the first session, so maybe i should have been prepared. the bastard .

thing is, i actually have been doing quite a lot of what we've been discussing. i have been challenging my thoughts (and the obsession-compulsion cycle - and successfully broken it a few times too!!). i have been doing activity schedules (not so great on following them through). i really have changed my sleep patterns, which was something we both agreed i needed to do as a priority.

given that i've only seen him for 4 sessions, and the first one was just an intake assessment, so it was only the 2nd when we started discussing techniques - it really only left 2 sessions for him to get this sort of feedback. but i guess i didnt mention it, and he never asked.

so i must say i was really surprised when he brought it up yesterday. shocked, more like it. i don't think 2 sessions is enough to get a clear view of whether someone is putting in effort, especially when you've never bothered to check if they have.

he actually said many more things which makes me wonder if there might be a bit of counter-transference going on. things like i'd lost faith in him as a therapist (where did this come from?!), telling me about his mother who was too depressed throughout his life to ever attend to him, stuff like that.

i spoke about it to pdoc today, and he was really surprised too. but he didnt say to stop going, i think it's something he wants me to work through.

probably 'selfish' was my interpretation, T probably didnt mean to be disparaging. i'd just been majorly triggered this past week about what a bad/selfish/lazy/soul-sucking sort of person that i am, so it was easy to see this as further confirmation.

pdoc did say he was happy to talk to T and tell him to maybe give me a bit of room, because i'm in a bad headspace right now, but i said it's ok - i'll try myself first. if this T needs feedback that i'm doing what he tells me, then i just need to know that. but my old T never followed up, i guess, or when he did follow up he wouldn't give me any positive feedback, so i guess it just didn't occur.

thanks for all your feedback, guys. i'll try with this T again. if he says "no, deli, i really did just mean that you're a selfish twat" then i'll know to take my money elsewhere.