[MissCharlotte]

I am so attached to T. But the more I am attached to him the more I realize I was NOT attached to my mother. That makes me very sad. Don't get me wrong--she passed 15 years ago and I still miss her, but I am realizing that the attachment was more like a sib than a parent/child. Angst. This give me great angst. I'm not sure whether I was not attached to her or the attachment was so tenuous that I learned how to protect myself by not acknowledging the longings for her love.

I have been trying to understand my relationships with men and women and know that relationships with men are much easier for me. Today I missed my Dad, and although I can say I miss my Mom it's not the same heartache. It's shallower.

Whoa. I am humbled once again.

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I'm not sure whether I was not attached to her or the attachment was so tenuous that I learned how to protect myself by not acknowledging the longings for her love.

(((((MissC)))))

I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this very thing today. I too have become quite attached to my new T. We have a bit of history before our individual work started, so I think the attachment came quickly and easily. Today I was thinking about how I WANT to be attached to her. How this is such a comfort to me. This feeling is so different than my relationship with my mother, who I do not have a strong bond with and who I think I learned to protect myself from the pain of abandonment (among other things) from. I think that I am at a place where it feels like that bond, the one I missed, learned to disown, and even believed I didn't want, might actually be the avenue for healing. Thanks for posting this.

[chaotic13]

My mother has also been gone now for many years. I know she cared for me and loved me but for unknown reasons I just never felt close or really connected to her. I think in the last 2 years I've thought of her and even missed her more often than I think I've ever did.

Recently I've start to wonder what my mother was really like; if I am more like her than I ever realized? I have a lot of questions and regrets about this relationship now and unfortunately, no way of getting more information or releasing the my guilt for not appreciating her more--every one is now dead, I can't get answers to my why questions..

[rainbow8]

I also wonder why I am so much more attached to my T than I was to my mother. My Mom died many years ago. I was attached to her, but did not feel close to her. Does that make sense? She was overprotective, and I had difficulty separating from her, yet I did not share with her any of the problems I shared with my T.

Miss C., I think it is logical that the closer we are to our T, the more we wish we could have that same relationship with our mothers. Just my opinion, of course.

[MissCharlotte]

Searching,

I missed, learned to disown, and even believed I didn't want, might actually be the avenue for healing.

YES!! Well said.

[MissCharlotte]

Chaotic,

o way of getting more information or releasing the my guilt for not appreciating her more--every one is now dead, I can't get answers to my why questions..

I used to think this--but realize now that my answers are within me....and through my relationship with T I will find both my biography and my road ahead.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I am so attached to T. But the more I am attached to him the more I realize I was NOT attached to my mother. That makes me very sad.... I'm not sure whether I was not attached to her or the attachment was so tenuous that I learned how to protect myself by not acknowledging the longings for her love.

(((((MissC)))))

When I read that, I too am sad because I don't think my youngest daughter has attached to me. I have tried to be a good mother and I don't know why she hasn't been able to (or wanted to) attach. I have tried to be loving, trustworthy, and "safe", and have not been abusive. Recently we've been in therapy together to work on our relationship and have seen some small gains. I do have a habit of shouldering all the responsibility for a relationship myself and am trying to unlearn that. Maybe the lack of attachment is not my fault. Maybe there is no blame. Maybe sometimes attachment just does not occur. I think the challenging relationship with my daughter gives me more empathy for my mother and her difficulties being a mom. I am pretty much content now to just think about my mom in this way: "she did the best she could." That is what I am trying to do too. When I read a post like yours, MissCharlotte, it gives me some chills anticipating the future. Some day in the future, will my daughter go to a therapist and work on her poor attachment to her mother?

[ECHOES]

I am reading Attachment in Psychotherapy, a great book. There is a lot about our attachment to our primary caregiver, whether it's secure or insecure, and goes on to talk about secondary attachement strategies we develop. Very good stuff, and very helpful to me to understanding myself, now and then.

I also came upon an interesting question the other day: is bonding the same as attachment? I don't think so, but I'm exploring it more

((((Miss C))))

This is certainly a very interesting topic to explore. I want that attachment that you have with your T, but I'm just not there yet emotionally, though I think I'm doing well with letting down my walls slowly and trusting her more with things I've never told anyone else -that's HUGE for me. As for my mother... I love her, I just have always felt more like her caregiver instead of the other way around, and I'm discovering that some of my earlier needs were not met. My T recently referred to my mother as narcissistic, whoa! I need to ask T more about that.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I am reading Attachment in Psychotherapy, a great book. There is a lot about our attachment to our primary caregiver, whether it's secure or insecure, and goes on to talk about secondary attachement strategies we develop. Very good stuff, and very helpful to me to understanding myself, now and then.

I also came upon an interesting question the other day: is bonding the same as attachment? I don't think so, but I'm exploring it more

ECHOES, that book does sound very interesting - I may have to pick it up!

To me, bonding is something that usually comes out of a common interest. For instance, we are bonding right now as we talk about our experiences related to psychotherapy. But (no offense) I don't feel like I'm becoming attached to anyone. Now, some might say that this is because we're bonding online. I've bonded with people in person over commonalities, but I didn't feel myself attaching to them. Am I understanding your definition of bonding, ECHOES, or am I making it too broad of a generalization?

[chaotic13]

Now I am confused :-) what is the main difference between bonding and attaching. Is attaching more of a long-term, needing kind of thing? Bonding is more of a shared interest that is lost you would just find someone else to bond with?

I don't know what term accurate describes my T connection. I feel positive about it. It is very intense at times. I like her. Would miss her if I stopped going or got kicked out.I often seem to want to talk and communicate with her. And I care, a lot about what she thinks about me and the things I disclose. But I don't want her to role play my mother or for her to be a close friend...at least while she is my therapist. I like the fact that what happens in therapy stays in therapy if you know what I mean.

[Mouse_]

My relationship with my mother worked on 2 levels, there was the fantasy one I created inside to make up for what wasn't happening outside. Yes being adopted counts for some of this, but mostly it failed because my adoptive mother had nothing to give, there was no way to learn healthy attachement because she was to wrapped up in her fantasys created from her trauma. There was 4 of us at least in the relationship, me, my adoptive mother, her fantasy mother and my fantasy mother and this caused a great deal of let downs and disappointments and confusion.

I remember I use to sit at sch and day dream about being home with mum and her face would make me feel warm inside, but then when I got home the outside didnt match this "fantasy", she was sat there never looking up and never pleased with my return, more anger that I had gone, just like her mother had died when she was 5, so anything that happened between us was to bridge the holes we both had, never any real stuff going on because there was time or space for that to happen, we were both desperately surviving, sucking each others blood in a desperate effort to live.

With T, I am not there to fill her holes, if she has any, and she isn't there denying mine, so there is room for real stuff to happen, a real RELATING goes on, so yes the attachement is so much more fulfilling.

I have "divorced" my adoptive mother, I feel guilty at times that with all the therapy I have had that I should be able to just "put up" with my adoptive mothers "abuse", be the bigger person, but the more I see what a relationship should be like, the more shocked, and saddened I am by what my relationship with my adoptive mother never managed to be, as my attachment to T grows, my mourning for my losses grows and I realise there really wasn't very much real stuff with my adoptive mother so there isn't much to miss. I think it would feel even worse now to be back in her life, to be who I am now and her still being who she always was and me seeing this without the rose-coloured glasses I had to view her with growing up, I mean if I'd really understood as a child what an empty mother she was, I doubt we'd manage to surivive, now without those glasses I shudder, I feel now that I have taken my innerchild finally got her the care she needed a long time ago. Just living with someone doesn't a relationship make, we were like ships passing in the night, with T we are like on a cruise and stopping off at different ports and really having a good look around and getting the feel of the place.