Does your T call you out when you avoid or are near crying?

I'm wondering how direct some of your T's are with certain topics - like when you're near crying, or when you avoid an issue, does your T call you out on it?

My T at first would gently ask me if I might have deeper feelings on a subject - if I said yes and didn't offer more, she'd leave it at that. She's getting a bit bolder now, but it's nothing I'm uncomfortable with - she recently interpreted a dream I had told her, and I hadn't realized that in the dream, my unconscious was noting the fact that I was holding back in therapy - when we analyzed the dream, she asked if that was really the case, and I realized that yes, it was! Wild. But she didn't ask for more details on what exactly I've been holding back.

But I'm really curious about the crying factor. My T and I have discussed a lot how I don't like being vulnerable in front of others, and how I never cried in front of my last therapist. I even told my T that I do want to cry, because I feel like I need to do that. There have been a few times now when I've been telling T something, and I can feel my face change and my voice quiver when I'm close to crying, but then it goes away and no tears. I keep waiting for my T to acknowledge that she's observed this change, but she never has - she usually just keeps talking to me like normal, asking questions to keep me talking. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

(((dreamseeker)))

It sounds as if both you and your T are getting more comfortable in your relationship (you allowing tears and acknowledging holding back, her drawing you out a little more). From what you write it seems at a good pace for you.

I have only been seeing my T for about 2 months individually, but she was my couple's counselor before for approx 8 months, so she is still very tentative with me, (or maybe I with her?). I don't hold back my tears, but if she asks for more info or for me to elaborate more on an issue and I say no or shake my head no then the topic is off the table. She is very gentle about this which has been very good for me. I do think that this approach is "for now" with us and I think as time goes on, and I develop trust in our relationship, I won't be so quick to reign things in.

Take care.

Thanks! Yes, I think it is a good pace for us, I'm just so impatient. I've actually gotten a bit better about letting pressure off myself. But I'm just wondering if it will take a little nudge from my T to get those tears out, or if I need to keep being patient with myself and let it come naturally. This week's session was the toughest yet for me, and I was amazed that I didn't actually cry.

It sounds like you have a wonderful T who doesn't push you too much, that's terrific!

I've talked a few time with my T about not crying when I thought others expected me too. I've never come right out and said...I want be be able to cry but I have said numerous times that I want to be able to express emotions when when appropriate like "normal" people do. My T has kind of challenged the perspective that others notice when I don't cry or get emotional about things. She says others don't really care about such things... But my experiences say otherwise. Others notice and they've asked me about it at times.

My T notices when I show signs of emotions. However she never makes an issue of it unless I raise it. Once I really felt like the feeling "authentic" me came to therapy and I wrote her an email after the session that simply said... I was there today, did you see me? To which she replied YES, welcome! and listed the things she saw.

In my case if I ever become visibly on the verge of crying...My T mentioning this would make me feel uncomfortable and it wouldn't likely happen again in the near future.

call me out?

oh yeah! she even calls out my peeps! she tells me that i should never take up a career playing poker because she can tell by my face who is going to come out and tell her what! ain't that pathetic....at first she never did...but now as we are much more comfortable together she challenges me more and thats okay...sometimes she tells one peep to sit quietly because she wants me to tell something.

it does get confusing because there are things that i can not yet say but that the peeps can....so as a system it works...it ain't perfect, but it is what it is.

Yes, my T is very encouraging of me to express my feelings. With sadness and grief, he encourages me to cry. If he sees me struggling to hold back tears, he will very reassuringly tell me it's OK to cry, it's OK to let go. He speaks very gently. He may say it several times. I never disappoint him. It's actually been one of my big things in therapy--to learn to be more authentic and express what I am feeling instead of stuffing everything inside. My T is very sensitive and can often tell when I am sad, even when I am not fighting back the tears. He may remark on it, "you are sad," or "you were sad for a moment just now when you said that," etc. It's an invitation to share but not a demand. I don't view it as "calling me out", which sounds harsh to me; I view it as T being reassuring and supportive.

T has told me that when in therapy school, he took a course in play therapy and learned one thing is to just sit alongside the child as they play and describe what they are doing. It's very validating to the child to be noticed, especially when they may be part of a busy or unattuned family, where parents don't notice them, what they're doing, or what they are feeling. Like, during play therapy, the T might say, "Johnny is playing with the truck and now he's making it go over to the sandbox," and the T keeps up a monolog, kind of sitting in the background, not conversing with the child, just commenting. He says the same thing is very powerful with emotions, to have someone notice and comment on it. You don't have to make a big deal of it, just say, "right now sunny is sad." The one and only time my entire family came for a session with him, in the opening minutes he just casually remarked that my youngest daughter was sad and then moved on. That just let something loose in her and she started crying, which is amazing, because she is so demonstrative. Two minutes in T's office and she was able to let her tears out.

I have seen that this technique helps me too in therapy when T "notices" me. (This is especially powerful for me because my H ignored me most of the time and was very insensitive.) T can be quite direct with me about my feelings because we are so close and used to each other, but with a more skittish client, this technique could be used more obliquely. I have since used this same technique with people in my life and it has worked well most of the time. My application can be clumsy, but sometimes I get it right.

I think it may vary from person to person. It sounds like your T has judged that it would not be good for you to directly call attention to your emotions. Do you wish she would acknowledge your feelings more? You could always tell her, if that's the case. It sounds like you are getting more and more comfortable having feelings around her, so one of these days, the tears will probably come.

You could ask her to help you with this moment. Ask her if she will acknowledge it.
But she may not want to do that because it puts her in the position of giving you permission to cry, something she surely wants you to feel free to do, but on your own terms and not on her cue or as a direction from her.

It would be a really good topic/issue to discuss with her because it is important to you.

My T acknowledges my tearing up. It feels comforting when she does that and it's an opportunity to talk about where the strong emotion is coming from (now, before, etc).

don't know, but it's the same with me. i guess she is waiting for me to tell her what the upsetting thought is but last time it happened I was FAR from ready to talk about that. Sometimes I really feel as if I am wasting her time.

When my eyes start to get watery, my therapist will often ask me what the tears are for, sometimes I can tell her, other times I can't.

Sometimes if she notices a change in my voice, she will say something like, I can tell that this subject goes very deep for you, or is more painful than what you show.

If you feel it may help you that she addresses it when she notices it, I would tell her. She may be avoiding it because you have mentioned the uncomfortable side of it to her.

chaotic, that's how I'm afraid I might react, and I don't want that - I want to feel more open to showing my emotions freely in therapy.

stumpy, that is too funny! It is rather nice and comforting, and also a bit scary, to know that our T's can read us that well, isn't it? My T used a word that I didn't like, and I told her I didn't like it - she said she could tell right away. I definitely don't have a poker face, either!

Sunrise, your T sounds wonderful! But I think you're right - I'm already not 100% comfortable with being the center of T's attention for those 45 minutes, so maybe that's why my T isn't verbalizing times when I'm close to crying. She is certainly pointing out more when I'm avoiding, though - maybe because I'm more comfortable with that than with showing the emotions.

I'm just really curious if she's seeing the changes like I feel them, when I'm about to cry - she must, though, because she's very attuned to me in many other respects.

That's exactly what I was thinking, ECHOES... and as much as I want to move things along and break through that wall, I do trust my T that she knows what she's doing. Plus, it's happening more in each session now, the almost-crying feeling, so I think I am close. I also think I need to take some of the pressure off myself!

SAWE, you are definitely not wasting your T's time! My T just keeps on asking me questions about whatever it is that we're talking about, maybe she's trying to figure out what triggers my reactions. But it's never a waste of time!

hangingon, my T has done something similar a few times, only she waits until we're further into the discussion and I've regained my composure - not sure why she's making that choice, but it may have to do with her wanting me to feel safe. I told her that I am very afraid of losing control of my emotions in therapy, but I also told her that I want to cry in therapy - oy!

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, everyone!

Hangingon... I just imagined how I would likely react if my T asked me, "what are the tears about?" It would not be a positive reaction. I think I've heard too many people ask this in a sacastic way. "Ok what is all the drauma about?" Or maybe as a kid I heard..."Are you crying?....Keep it up and I'll give you something to really cry about!"

I don't know how my T navigate around all these road blocks with me. I think when in doubt about how I to respond my T chooses silence. Maybe that's why it felt like there was so much silence in the room at the beginning :-)

pdoc never says anything, and i prefer it that way, because i dont want him to know i am about to cry. pdoc knows i put on a "therapy face" for him - can't let him see the cracks into my real self!!!

old-T did talk to me once about how lots of people cry in front of him, and how it was ok with him. dont know if that was the only reason, but i used to bawl my eyes out in front of him after that. pity he turned out to be a bit of a b*stard.

I hear you........I will tell a story of a particularly painful event in my life like I am a robot........and then cry over the fact that my 14 year old son didn't hug me this morning........my T just looks at me and says "are you sure thats all you are crying over?" She catches me out every time.

Sweeetie, it took me 3 years to cry in therapy and when I started it was all for very unusual reasons.......I remember crying over a documentary about red crabs on a remote island somewhere, dying because they drown when trying to spawn in the ocean. That some of them go to great risk to procreate. I cried for the whole hour about red crabs! Figure that one. But when talking about my mother dragging me by the hair as a child or some other atrocity, it was like discussing a shopping list.

Yep it takes a while........it will come when you build trust.......good luck