[sw628]

T has stopped returning my emails and is starting to forget a lot( my necessary therapy HW and other stuff I tell her. It's happening a lot lately). She also avoids certain topics that I bring up, making me feel embarrassed, worthless, and stupid. This has been really painful lately and I've become very depressed. With my attachment and abandonment issues, I feel as though she's pressing my buttons.We normally talk on Thursday nights, but T had something come up so we rescheduled. It's hurts so bad that I may not call. I know I should talk to her about this, but i'm still working on expressing myself with words. What should I do? I just want her to care about me and remember stuff. A little love wouldn't hurt either.

[TrespassersWill]

I think you should change T's. I had one like that who didn't want to talk about what I wanted to and wouldn't treat me for the problems I said I had. So I changed. Or actually my medical doctor found out how badly the therapy was going and also how my PTSD was getting worse with her so she just flat out said you are going to a different therapist and this is who I want you to see. And so I dropped the first one like a hot potato. It hurt a little because I had transference with her even though I hated her guts. But it also felt really good to dump the b*#ch and get a better therapist who knows what she's doing.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sw628

T has stopped returning my emails and is starting to forget a lot... She also avoids certain topics that I bring up, making me feel embarrassed, worthless, and stupid. This has been really painful lately and I've become very depressed. What should I do?

I think you should talk to her directly about what you are feeling and tell her all the things we wrote. It is easy to misinterpret or read things into a person's behavior that they do not intend at all. Before doing anything like dropping this T, you owe it to yourself to clarify with her what her intent was when she did those things. As your mental health professional, she should also know if you are feeling depressed. It has happened several times with my therapist, that he said or did something, and I made what I thought was a reasonable assumption about what he meant, but when I checked my interpretation with him later, he said he had not meant the things I thought at all. And he explained himself better, and I came to understand what he really meant. It is really a simple process, but yet so hard to do!

I hope you will seek clarification from your therapist.

[phoenix7]

yes talk to t and you may be able to sort it out - it could just be a communication prob - if not it may be time to move on - take care P7

[mightaswelllive]

First of all, I think you should NOT change Ts! Your T hasn't done anything ethically wrong - there is no reason to skip town.

What I do think you should do is examine your behaviors in addition to hers. Are you pushing her away? Are you being closed? Are you cross a boundary? Are you asking too much? etc What is happening in this situation may be reflective of patterns in your life.

Most importantly, you must, must, must talk to her about these things. Without talking, you will not fix the problem!

Good luck

[phoenix7]

yes its a good idea to look at your behaviour as well as T's and definately talk to T - hope it works out for you

Originally Posted by sw628

I know I should talk to her about this, but i'm still working on expressing myself with words. What should I do?

(((((((((((((((sw628))))))))))))))))

As hard as it is, (and believe me, I KNOW it is hard), this is a chance to practice expressing your needs and how you perceive what is going on in your relationship. The first time I had to do that with T, it practically made me sick....I spent a weekend in tears waiting for my Monday appointment, knowing what was coming. But when I went in on Monday and told him what I was thinking, how I was perceiving his actions, etc, I was totally rewarded for it. He heard me, he responded, he took responsibility for his part in things, he didn't get angry. It was good practice for the next time (because, of course, there is always a next time!) and good practice for interacting in my relationships in "real life".

One thing I did, which really helped, is write a LONG letter to him over the weekend. I kept coming back to it and re-reading it, adding things, changing things, making it as clear as possible. I had planned on giving him the letter when I saw him, but I had gone over it so many times as I rewrote, that I went in and could just say what was in the letter.

(((((((((((((((((sw628))))))))))))))))) I know you are in a hard, hard place, but it could be a really important moment for growth and healing.

[sw628]

Thanks everyone. Sorry, I don't have much time for individual responses today. I don't think it's to a point where I need to change T's, however it's just getting to be such an issue. As for examining my own behavior,I will admit that I am a very closed person and fear getting attached because of abandonment.But I am trying so hard to be open and send emails. I'm trying to connect with her and she has recognized this. I'm making lots or progress.On the other hand, it is hard when she forgets certain things and doesn't respond to my emails. In my emails, I make an effort to communicate with her what I can't with words. She use to be really good with returning emails and assuring me that all is ok.Most of what I write are deep important issues that she ALWAYS ignores. Then I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Even when I bring letters into session.I write letters all the time because it is easier for me to do so. Also, i don't cross boundaries and if anyrthing T is the one who initates hugs or sitting next to me.

If it's me, how can I change my issues? I just don't understand therapy and wonder if I was at the right place in my life to begin. I guess it's better to fix problems early before it gets worse.

[deliquesce]

(((sw))))

you are trying hard, and i admire you for that . one thing that concerns me is that you said is that she "ALWAYS" ignores the deep important issues. i think this is probably the first thing you need to address.

would it be possible for you to do a list of dot points and say: these are the things i want to work through, and i want to start with this one first? if she still ignores you then, you have a good opportunity to discuss why she won't discuss that topic with you. sometimes my pdoc has said "we aren't going there just yet because i don't think it's the right time" (e.g., he has a holiday coming up and doesn't want to leave it hanging). but other times he has said "we aren't going there" and given me a reason, and i've been able to say - that's a sucky reason, and so we've gone there.

but if your T has a blanket refusal to go to the deep issues that you need help with - then that is something about her, not you.

as for the other stuff you mentioned - oh gosh, it's hard, innit? i'm so scared of being abandoned too, and if i remind pdoc then he is GREAT as returning my calls, but sometimes he must just get busy or absent minded and he doesn't and it kills. so i totally relate to feeling vulnerable with the email thing.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sw628

Most of what I write are deep important issues that she ALWAYS ignores.

Many Ts don't like to discuss deep things by email. Email is very prone to misinterpretation because you can't see the person's expressions, body language, etc., so it can be best to discuss the hard stuff face to face. Is your T just not responding to your deep issues by email or when you are together, and you bring up a deep issue, does she ignore it then and change the subject, etc.? I think this latter is very different from the email. If she only seems to "ignore" your deep issues by email, then I think maybe it just may be an email problem, and the two of you should have a talk about how email can best be used as an adjunct to therapy. You can get straight how she believes you can most effectively use email with her (perhaps just short connecting notes, or schedule changes, or statements like "I'm really having a hard time with X today, I'd like to talk about that next time"). Every T is different on what how email (or phone calls) works in their style of therapy and with each unique client.

If she is ignoring deep issues that you bring up with her in person, I think that is very serious and needs discussion between you. Maybe she doesn't realize she is doing this or maybe you are misperceiving her words or actions. Maybe she thinks you should deal with X (some more immediate issue) before plunging into Y (a deep, dark issue) and so she brushes you off when you bring up Y. If so, she needs to know you are sensitive to being brushed off and circumvented like that, and it would be helpful to you to have her be more open with you and explain herself, "I know you want to discuss this important issue, but I'd like to defer that until you're more stable on this other item, OK?" Basically, the T should not be afraid to give the client "the time of day". In my therapy, I felt I was brushed aside a number of times when I tried to discuss certain issues from my teen years and young adulthood. Whenever I brought these up or mentioned something from this period, even stuff I felt was kind of critical, T seemed just not to respond, or to "want to go there." I felt kind of hurt and rejected by that behavior, and I started a pattern of not ever mentioning that time in my life, because I felt T didn't want to discuss it and would rebuff me (ouch) if I tried. Finally, one day, one of my ego states told him this whole thing, about being pissed off at him for that era being ignored like that, etc. He was really surprised and had no idea he was doing that. He said he was sorry and he also said he was waiting to "be invited" to explore that with me, and that he was ready any time. So now I know he is open to that, and I can bring it up any time, and he will welcome that. But we had to have a face-to-face talk to get that straight!

In my emails, I make an effort to communicate with her what I can't with words. She use to be really good with returning emails and assuring me that all is ok.... I write letters all the time because it is easier for me to do so.

Maybe you can have more confidence in your abilities to communicate instead of doing what is "easy" for you. It is easier for just about all of us to put something in writing rather than communicate directly in person. At what point can you transition from making email revelations of your deep issues to doing that in person? That is something really important to work toward! I think we have a need to share and connect with our Ts and tell them our deep issues. By doing this be email, you relieve some of that tension in yourself and desire to share, a tension that would help motivate you in session to share these things. Having shared in email, there is less drive to share in session. Do you know what I mean? Maybe if you held off on the deep sharing by email, this would help push you to share when you are with your T? Could it be worth trying? Maybe you could use the email to set the stage or hold yourself accountable. You could send a short email announcing you will talk about X the next time (a deep issue). And you can ask T to not let you avoid this topic. Then, since it is on the table, you will feel some pressure to talk about it. (Of course, you can always change your mind.)

I hope you will keep trying. So much of therapy is learning to communicate and have a relationship. It sounds like you have made great progress in learning to share some hard things by email. Maybe it's time for the next step now, to talk in person.

Good luck!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sw628

In my emails, I make an effort to communicate with her what I can't with words.

....Most of what I write are deep important issues that she ALWAYS ignores. Then I'm left feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

SW... I use my email privilages to do this too. Even now that I am able to talk more during the actual session. I will say that I am lucky because my T does not forget. Sometimes she pretends to not clearly remember the details of something...but I think this is her way of getting me to attempt expressing what I wrote.

I'm finding that the things my T seems to ignore in one email, tend to eventually find their way into other emails or are approached from another angle or as part of another topic. Finally, if it is really important to me it eventually gets directly raised by me in a session. Often this process takes months, hence probably why I'm still in therapy after 2 yrs. LOL

If I look honestly at these "ignored deep issues" my T often opens the door during the session for me to discuss them but she doesn't push it. Although sometimes I think I want my T to be more aggressive and push me into talking about something, I'm not sure if this is what I really need. I want to be pushed but when I am I clamp down hard. I think my T's approach is to be patient and let me work my way into bringing sound to what I write.

I've often felt embarrassed by things I've expressed in my email. That is exactly why I wrote them in an email after the session instead of actually saying them during the session. I've often assumed that the reason things didn't get talked about were because my T didn't want to go there or because she was uncomfortable handling them, or because she wasn't interested in them. However, ALL of the thoughts that I have eventually worked my way into raising myself my T is more than willing to discuss and explore. In otherwords my assumptions that she is ignoring or avoiding addressing certain things with me are wrong. She is not the one ignoring, avoiding, or dismissing my deep issues.