[Foomph]

It was my second to last session and he tried to get me to do some gestalt stuff but I just couldn't...he tried twice...I just can't look at him and experience the pain and the humiliation as i express stuff I should have told my father. F**k.

Anyway, he apologized for pushing me the second time. I don't mind being pushed, though, as long as I can put the brakes on when needed, which he always lets me do. I know if I catually do this my floodgates will open...and I'll tap into that whole other realm of me-ness that I never allowed before.

I feel like we're so close to really getting somewhere. Today was a really good session, despite the gestalt stuff, and he made so many parallels between my situation now vs then and it's all starting to make sense-how i am the way i am with my hubby. I feel like I DO need to get to the point where I can do the gestalt thing with him so I can feel the feelings and get over them/process them/whatever, but I'm just not ready yet.

And our last session is next week.

BUT-he says he would really like to continue with me if possible-he's looking into renting an office where I could see him privately, and he'd charge me only $25 (what i pay now) plus a bit extra to help with the office rental... And if that doesn't work out, he wants to refer me to someone with more trauma-based experience. He said that in any case, he'll be my mental-health go-to person no matter what happens, so if I have a problem, or need to see someone, and it can't be him, then he'll get me what/who I need. *******. It's weird to feel like someone would go to this effort for you...

He did mention that he doesn't have experience in this type of trauma therapy, but he;s helped me so much so far, I don't even care. And I really like him and trust him and don't want to go through all the disclosure s**t again with someone else. The way i see it, he needs the practice anyway. Somebody has to be his first trauma client and he is studying gestalt and jungian therapy which deals with trauma (that's why he's using me as his thesis project thingy ). He's not going to fu*k me up. I'm not that unstable, and I'm pretty resilient if I do say so myself.

I hope this all works out. I really really want to continue with him. Cross your fingers for me!

Sorry for the long post I just needed to talk about it, I think...

[Kiya]

I hope it works out too that you can keep seeing him *crossing fingers*.
For me, i know when something is about to end (like T going on vacation for example) I can't work on something serious, knowing she's going to be gone. I am not willing to put myself in that place. And then I always even wonder if I should cancel the very last apnt prior to her vacation so I don't have to deal with it (aka next week). I am glad that you do have the ability to not be pushed when not ready - that is powerful.

[peaches100]

Foomph,

I'm glad your session was really productive. I understand the difficulty of the gestalt work. It takes alot of trust in t and courage to face those very painful feelings -- and to say what you would have wanted to say to your dad. It sounds like you are making good progress and having alot of important insights about yourself and how you react in your relationship with your husband.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Foomph

I just can't look at him and experience the pain and the humiliation as i express stuff I should have told my father.

If I may venture a guess, Foomph -- it sounds like you might have some other stuff "on top of" whatever you and your T were trying to access with Gestalt. Try this: relax, close your eyes, ask yourself what it is that you need to look at first, and see what comes up for you.

I know if I catually do this my floodgates will open...and I'll tap into that whole other realm of me-ness that I never allowed before.

This stuff seems to work in unexpected ways more often than in expected ones. Sometimes while staring impatiently at one floodgate, wondering why the heck it was being so stubborn about opening, I've suddenly noticed water up to my knees from some other floodgate I hadn't even known about.

I'm pretty resilient if I do say so myself.

I, meanwhile, am not at all surprised to hear you say so.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to talk about it, I think...

Your fans aren't sorry!

[Foomph]

I think I almost feel like I can't look at him (my t) and say this stuff, say all the stuff he wants me to say in the way he wants me to say it because I feel too damn vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. Who likes it anyway?

And because I'm the centre of attention and he's focused only on me. I also hate being the centre of attention.

And that he cares. Which would also open the floodgates and I hate being emotional (part of the things we're working on).

I really, really don't want to start bawling in front of him. I've only done it once and it was so embarrassing. When I first told him about what happened. Since then I only ever had tears well up, and I thought I hid them pretty well but he old me later that he notices these things

And now we have (potentially) only one session left and do I really want to get into this now?

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Foomph

I think I almost feel like I can't look at him (my t) and say this stuff, say all the stuff he wants me to say in the way he wants me to say it because I feel too damn vulnerable.

Well, one thing I can think of is that saying some of those things might trigger some stuff for you that could take more than one session to work through -- but you say you only have one session left.

I hate being vulnerable. Who likes it anyway?

I've been known to, on occasion. For me it seems to depend a lot on how safe I feel -- on who's around to bug me, to stare blankly at me or to support me, for instance.

Vulnerable for me doesn't necessarily mean that anything bad is about to happen -- only that I'm not stopping myself from experiencing stuff that might turn out be in my way if I suddenly needed to shift into fight-or-flee mode or to look as if I had my act together.

And because I'm the centre of attention and he's focused only on me. I also hate being the centre of attention. And that he cares. Which would also open the floodgates and I hate being emotional (part of the things we're working on).

And that he'll only be available for one more session? It sounds as though when you react emotionally to something, you can expect that to stir up more emotion like a chain reaction and you don't know where it's going to stop.

And now we have (potentially) only one session left and do I really want to get into this now?

Well, actually you are in it and you're going to continue moving through it anyway -- at your own pace and in your own way, which will probably be different from the pace and ways that your T has been suggesting to you.

Best of luck, and please do keep us posted.