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#1
Aug 21, 2009, 07:55 AM
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some may know my cat gypsey died on saturday - i came home and found her dead - i cried but then went numb - tuesday a patient smashed a glass door at wokr and i was the only one who went in,,,, til he tried to smash a chair int the glass.....
wed he did the same lol ....... i went and saw T ......... but its like im a long way away he sat close - kept trying to get eye contact talked about his dogs and my cat Cisco (my other cat) talked about Gypsey - but i am numb and he couldnt reach me..... and i cant reach him........ and im not sure i want to anymore... this is a pointless post isnt it..... sorry
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#2
Aug 21, 2009, 08:06 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))))))))
NOT a pointless post...  I think when we are trying to avoid big feelings, it's so hard to let T in...we put up our big walls to protect ourselves and there's no way around them, no matter how hard T tries. But those big walls that are protecting us from pain are also keeping out love, and caring, and support, and concern. We're still in pain, and we're alone too. It's our instinct to protect ourselves, but really, we're shutting ourselves off from what we need the most. I had my walls up all summer, and it was painful and hard for me and for T. I *thought* it was better that way...that I was protected, that I would hurt less, that it was easier for T to not have to deal with me and my feelings. When I finally hit rock bottom and let T in, everything shifted. It was SCARY and PAINFUL to let him in. I had to take a big risk and open up my heart and be honest and vulnerable. I didn't know what would happen, but I also didn't know what other choice I had at that point. And amazingly, when I was let myself just be vulnerable and let him in, everything shifted inside. I could finally FEEL his caring, and feel the connection that we have. I didn't feel alone anymore, or scared he was going to get tired of me or abandon me. So, weirdly, by doing the very thing that I feared the most, a little bit of light got in, and a little something inside me started to heal. I know your T cares about you. He wants to help you. I know it feels risky...but it's worth it. You deserve caring and support...can you let yourself have it?? 
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 Confused_1982, Indie'sOK, Orange_Blossom, phoenix7, Sannah, VickiesPath
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#3
Aug 21, 2009, 08:23 AM
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ty Treehouse
im not shutting him out - i dont feel anything i cant let him in...cos im not here lol i dont know how to wake up again.... i want to connect wiht T.... but i cant.........
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#4
Aug 21, 2009, 08:27 AM
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It's ok, Phoenix.
There aren't any words yet. You are feeling. Grieving. At first, grief has no words. 
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 Vickie
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| Orange_Blossom, phoenix7, Sannah
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#5
Aug 21, 2009, 08:37 AM
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phoenix
been there too much, too soon too fast no chance to process just bounce from one thing thing to another BOOM deal BOOM deal words will come with time, feelings too til then...go and sit with t...even if it feels stupid and a waste of time...everything has to process did you know that in latin one of the words for a phoenix is resurgam...it means.."i shall rise again" my personal motto....you shall too. stumpy 
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| Orange_Blossom, phoenix7, Sannah, VickiesPath
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#6
Aug 21, 2009, 09:03 AM
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it does feel like i am wasting his time.....
i am shutting down.....
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#7
Aug 21, 2009, 09:38 AM
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Phoenix, you got so much good feedback on this thread, I hope you can give yourself time. Please be patient with yourself.......
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| phoenix7
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#8
Aug 21, 2009, 09:42 AM
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(((((Phoenix)))))
I'm so sorry about your kitty. I know it must really hurt. You are probably in shock, shutting down, and going inside yourself because staying aware of your feelings of grief would hurt too much. Our bodies and minds have that way of trying to protect us from pain. I know you feel numb, but for right now, it's OK if that's what you need to do. Even if you can't feel the connection with t, keep the contact. Sit quietly without talking if you need to. Don't force anything. . .but don't let t go either. I know it's SO, SOOO hard to lose a pet. But you're going to be OK.
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| phoenix7
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#9
Aug 21, 2009, 09:53 AM
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Quote:
All things in due time. You just have to ride the wave.
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out of my mind, left behind |
| phoenix7
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#10
Aug 21, 2009, 10:03 AM
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((((((
 Phoenix7 ))))))Oh, sweetheart, my compassion rises up for you in your recent loss. When someone 'hurties' for loss of family we hurt with them. Sitting with you , we know too, about the loss of a very dear pet, numbness, sadness, shock, taking time and stuckness, well basically grief. Take our hand (or not) and just being...here. We care deeply for Phoenix7, in her good times and in her sadness. Luv Hunny Quote:
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 “Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.” Albert Einstein |
| phoenix7
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#11
Aug 21, 2009, 10:19 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((( dear p7 ))))))))))))))))))) not pointless at all. I would sure want to speak out if I were in your place. give yourself some time to absorb what happened, I am so sorry about it. come on back and get some hugs, we love you Phoenix. (ps you sound very brave about the guy who was breaking the glass doors, I know I probably couldn't have done what you did) ! |
| phoenix7
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#12
Aug 21, 2009, 10:21 AM
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(((((((((((((((Phoenix)))))))))))))))
Stay around your peeps. Even when there are no words. They understand. Then when the words do come, you will have comfort.
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Vickie
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| phoenix7
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#13
Aug 21, 2009, 10:23 AM
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Phoenix, wherever you are at, at the moment is right where you are supposed to be. I'll bet you are very uncomfortable but considering what you have been through, where you are at is normal. Might some Radical Acceptance be needed here??????
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ Last edited by Sannah; Aug 21, 2009 at 10:58 AM. |
| phoenix7
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#14
Aug 21, 2009, 10:38 AM
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((((((((((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))))))))
__________________
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| phoenix7
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#15
Aug 21, 2009, 11:39 AM
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(((((phoenix)))))
I'm so sorry about Gypsey. How long did you have her? What was she like? I like her name. Was she a wanderer? I think you are grieving your kitty, Phoenix. Don't be worried if therapy seems distant right now or you seem numb. You are numb now because you need to be. Please stay safe at work.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
| phoenix7
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#16
Aug 21, 2009, 11:59 AM
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Phoenix, I am so sorry about Gypsey.
I have had my dog for over 10 years now (she's 11), and I will be an absolute wreck when the time comes for her to leave me - I can't even think about it without getting choked up.Please be patient with yourself - I'm sure your T will be patient with you. No reason to go any faster than where you are and what you think you can handle.
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| phoenix7
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#17
Aug 21, 2009, 12:52 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((P7)))))))))))))))))))))
Just wanted to send more hugs, and say I love the wisdom in this thread. We are usually right where we need to be, even though it feels impossible to see that at the time. Let yourself grieve sweet Gypsey, however you need to do it. T is patient...he will sit with you and he will be there when you are ready to open up again.
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| phoenix7, sittingatwatersedge
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#18
Aug 22, 2009, 01:17 AM
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Quote:
 i really need to connect wiht T - to be able to wake up - but i cant..... ty
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| Hunny
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#19
Aug 22, 2009, 04:35 AM
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Oh my. I am so sorry for the loss of your kitty. Pets are so special and sometimes the only ones that truly understand us. I am really sorry.
I know you are upset about your connection with T....maybe you can just be gentle with yourself and realize and accept where you are right now. If you are so shut down, it takes time to get back. Maybe tell your T what you need, whether it is a call with "I am here" or a note or just having T sit with you, without being forced to talk. Sometimes words don't help. Hang in there. |
| phoenix7
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#20
Aug 22, 2009, 07:48 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#21
Aug 22, 2009, 08:17 AM
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Oh, dear Phoenix. Still with you.
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| phoenix7
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#22
Aug 22, 2009, 06:45 PM
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i see T on thursady - i dont want to waste his time again - i want to be connected - i want to feel safe wiht Tthe way i used to - my head hurts all the time - pdoc took a blood test - the nurse couldnt find an artery - realise di hadnt drunk anything or eaten anything since about 4pm the day before - just forgot
havingtrouble functioning - guess my autopilot is out of gas lol really need to connect wiht T or pdoc...... but cant....... just want to feel safe - just for a little while.... ive always stood on my own two feet - now i know i need ot reach out - but i cant............
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#23
Aug 22, 2009, 07:00 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((P7))))))))))))))))))))))
I PMed you. But I just want to add here that you are not wasting T's time, or your own. I couldn't connect with T ALL SUMMER, and it was frustrating for both of us, but it just was what it was. T said it was how it HAD to be. We both just kept showing up, and we finally found our way out. And in the end, just the fact of making it through that and out of that together was so connecting in itself. Be gentle with you.
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| phoenix7
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#24
Aug 23, 2009, 05:07 AM
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Thanks Treehouse
we mainly talked about our pets last time.......... i just need to wake up
__________________
Its not how many times you fall down that counts its how many times you get back up! (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
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#25
Aug 23, 2009, 08:02 AM
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(((((((((( Phoenix ))))))))))
We still here for you... we  with you in your lossnot time to talk much yet  we also hoping &  for you in the sad time.Hunny
__________________
“Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.” Albert Einstein |
| phoenix7
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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