T cant reach me...........

((((((((((((((((( phoenix ))))))))))))))))

Phoenix,
I am beginning to relate a lot right now. I feel like I am in shut down mode. I really hope this next session goes better for you. That you feel that safety you have in the past.
There is nothing like not feeling that connection when you really need it.

Well, no... but there's a lot to be said for letting it be OK that it's not there when it's not and just carrying on, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, till you're ready for it to be there "again."*

-------------------
*Really, anew.

I am so sorry about your cat That is just devastating in itself.

I just admire you for going to therapy anyway, no matter what state you were in. There must have been some feeling of comfort or security there that you felt on some level, do you think?

((((((pboenix7))))))

(((((phoenix)))))

Gypsey sounds like a real blessing in your life and an amazing cat! It is ok to grieve the loss of someone very special. Gypsey will always be with you in spirit, and in your mind. The beautiful times you had together will always be there for you.

It might be nice to put together a celebration of Gypsey's life..write about some of your favorite stories, pictures, and maybe even share this with T or some close friends???

Be gentle with yourself.

Fool,
I think we do tend to do this anyways....What choice do we really have besides quiting, and we pretty much know thats not the best.

((((((((((((((((((p7)))))))))))))))))

i am so sorry i am so late to your thread p7. i bet gypsey was the bomb. i had a cat for 16 years and he died a few years ago. it was sad as he was my little buddy so i do understand how sad you are. he literally kept me alive when there were times i wanted to end it as i didn't have anyone to leave him with. it's ok that you are numb right now. you will start to come out of it when you are ready. putting pressure on yourself doesn't work--if it did we wouldn't all be here on pc. i'll sit with you sweet p7--better yet i think you need some pocket riders for thurs with t. ok, the crazy boodle dog and i are in.

you are right that you can't do it all on your own. it just takes some of us stubbornly independent types awhile to get that. but that's what we're here for.

Phoenix, I'm sorry I missed your thread until now. I am very, very sorry about your cat. We used to have cats, and I know how sad I was when one of them ran away.

Take it slow in therapy, and I'm sure you will be able to reconnect when you are ready.

Lots of choices, actually -- panicking ("What's wrong with me?!"); wishing we felt differently; waiting till we do feel differently before getting on with our lives...

BTW, there are different kinds of "quitting" and some seem to work a lot better than others. When I quit panicking and struggling, for instance, that gives me room to just notice what's actually going on with me and whether I even need to do anything about it (or wait to get "better").

So thanks for asking, hangingon!

((((phoenix)))))),

Your Gypsey kitty sounded like the most wonderful baby of yours....when we have a pet (member of our family) that we are that close with, their death is no less to us than any other member of the family would be.

When we go through these things in our lives, our mind takes time to be away from everything so that is isn't completely overwhelmed by the pain we are feeling.....thus the shut down, the mind taking time to sleep through the pain. (I know I lost my first eskie dog (Excell) last year & I went through the same shut down.) The not eating or drinking is exactly what I went through when my Mother died 4 years ago...it was my bodies reaction to the stress I was going through....only there was a trauma on top of that & I wasn't eating for months & ended up really sick.

The shut down feeling you are experiencing is normal & it's important to realize that is isn't permanent.....when the mind is ready to handle more, it will be back like it was before going through this....able to handle everything together.....right now you are just processing the death of Gypsey.....how our mind reacts to death can either be to draw closer or to pull away to others around us....it isn't known how we react until we experience it & each experience can be different.

You are in a temporary state right now....it is not permanent & when your mind is ready (which seems like forever away right now) you will wake up & you will come back to the world around you as you knew it before.

Don't add more to your stress than you already have....understand that what you are going through is normal & accept it for what it is & keep moving forward....the empty feeling will be gone soon & you will be back to relating with your T as you had before.


Debbie

i picked up gypseys ahses today - they are in a beautiful carved wooden box wiht some small dried flowers in the centre - they put a cared wiht a poem on it and a pic of a black and white cat like gypsey.

I sent T a text saying i was having trouble staying present - being connected - and could we discuss at next time - that way i wont forget.

i locked my keys in my car today and for a moment thought - see the demons are watching - i must have done something wrong to deserve this - old voices from the past in my head ... shouting bad girl - your fault!

then i said no probably cos i slept at 4am and got up at 7am lol

fell over when i got up lol just went sideways like a tree in the forest guess thats what you get for 3 hours sleep

would take on pocket riders.....but may forget where you are lol
reality is not a word i recognise at the moment

Hand in there P7. I hope things get a little easier soon.

chaotic your typo made me smile thankyou for your kind thooughts

Phoenix,
Its' ok to go without a word. I'll pocket ride !!!

Fool, Your welcome !!!
Just carrying on with all the choices that come with it, both good and bad (perferably good), until I find MY way.
Ps....even if we did recognize the connection wasn't there and wait for it to come again, it wouldn't change the fact that it still doesn't feel well...

hi P7, just checking in. Hoping that you are feeling better today.

Pockets have more room in them than you might think

am getting ready to go....... pocket riders welcome........dont want to go ...scared wont connect wiht T again... know should just "be" ... but hard....

Oooh, oooh! Pick me! I want to be a pocket rider!!

I'll bring cookies for when we're done

to you

((((((Phoenix7))))))

I am so sorry I am just catching up on your thread now. I am so very very sorry for your loss. Everyone gave you such beautiful thoughts and wisdom. And Gypsy sounds so special. It seems sometimes like our furry babies are the only ones who understand.

I had a dog for 18 yrs (yes- 18 yrs!) that died about 5 yrs ago. I was devastated. It takes such a long time to heal. I know what you mean when you say she had been there with you through everything.

Your t sounds like he cares so much...I hope there was some re-connection today.....

Lots of hugs to you

T said i was depressed - i said its prob just grief but he said he has noticed it getting worse - said cant be depressed as on anti depressants lol

told T i couldnt be depressed cos I am agitated and lose my temper easily and turned into the feral female dog! from hell at work the other day cos they didnt stick to the safety guidelines - and didnt give a damn about it grrrrrrrrrr - yes i am over it lol

T said you can be agitated and low tolerance when depressed......

Told T i had screwed up royally by not opening my mail for.....hmmmm long tme .. got into some trouble wiht some bills.... said i like to practice my mistakes over and over till i get them perfect lol Told T i was dumber that dog .....hmmm poopy lol

T said i had to stop being nasty to myself and calling myself dumb - but i said if I am doing dumb things and I dont learn from my mistakes then I am DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so we discussed that for a while - cos T wouldnt admit I was right!!!!!!!!!!!! T and i had a .....hmmmmm Loooooooooooooooong discussion lol in the end he said if you said the things you are saying aobut yourself to a friend woudl you stil have the freind? i said no - he said would you say that to a friend I said no - then why say it to yourself ? ( I hate it when he uses common sense to show me I am wrong )

soooooooooooooooooooooo I told T i felt disconnected - like i was operating my body from the back of my head - not involved in life or connected to it and T said thats part of the depression...

I have to start doing things that are fun and get back to things i used to like to do whether i want to or not...... especially if i dont want to - whicih i dont - i just want to..........stop...... dunno..... curl up and hide.... but that isnt working... Ive been doing that and it only makes me want to retreat further - and im not sleeping much whch T says is part of problem.... I know that so I am going to try and eat better - drink more water (or at least some lol) and do some nice things......

ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and now i have developed a stupid tick like a quick nod no! grrr - noticed i did that twice in T - just did it again!!!!!! grrrrrrr - bad enough i lose my words..... cant think.....have crap memory......eye twitches when tired and started stuttering now i have a stupid head nod thing gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

low frustration tolerance ...me?????????? never !!!!!!!!!

P7, .

Reading your post reminded me of something this morning. I was hoovering and as I was putting the hoover back, I noticed I was doing in very speedlly, hence the hoover hose kept falling off, dropping on my toe, the dam thing was not fitting into its place of residence and then I stopped and saw what I actually was doing, was beating myself up, literally, I took a breath and then slowed my actions down, the hoover went back into place and I was very aware of my own gentleness toward myself, felt a bit sickly at first, but its the first time that I saw one of the ways I mistreat myself during any 24hours....normally I'd get all worked up because putting a hoover away grated on me, when it was me grating on myself....stop for a moment today, sit quietly...and step outside yourself and think if you were someone you cared about deeply, what would help that person?

(((((((((((((( dear P7 ))))))))))))))

thankyou sittingatwatersedge and Melbadaze

what would help my friend ? .....
patience, sanity lol , time out, a moments peace, (maybe had that today )not to be so hard on herself , to accept that what it is is what it is (no its not!!!! grrrrrrrrr) to do somthing nice for her every day ( if she thought she deserved it lol) dunno dunno dunno...... maybe to get another job (if i cant manage this one how will i manage another job lol)to be able to give up or at least cut down on negative thooughts and SI impulses...... to belive she deserved to have good things happen to her and that she deserved to be happy........

sad now sorry

You are not alone in that!

we could start a club!!!