T-session is today and I'm nervous

It's in about 5 hours and I'm getting nervous! I want it to be here but I know it will be over in a flash. I want to BE PRESENT in the session, but it's so hard when I'm anxious. I will be better once I start, but still......

((((R8)))) --
Thinking about you today! Let us know how it goes.

(((((((((((((((((((Rainbow)))))))))))))))))))))

I hope your session is good and connecting and what you need it to be.

Let us know how it goes.

(((((Rainbow)))))

Hope you have a really good session!!

I think you'll be fine once you're in there, Rainbow, but that pre-session anxiety is the pits! Hang in there, and have a wonderful session!

Good luck, Rainbow!

I'm home from my session, and thinking about it. My T and I connected well, and I did talk about love. But I talked about other things too, so I didn't focus on the one issue like I thought maybe I would. Like someone said, there are 2 of us in the room. If I just said everything I wanted to, there wouldn't have been any time for me to hear my T's responses.

Question: Do you forget what T says? My H said I should write it down, because I already can't remember, and I just got back! But I wouldn't be present in the moment, if I took notes during my session.

I didn't get emotional about telling her I love her, but I didn't say it directly either. Or maybe I did! I don't remember! But we did talk about the difference between obsessing about her and loving. She was happy about my being able to handle her workshop and about seeing her the way she really is. Maybe she had tears in her eyes at one point. I maintained eye contact all the time. She said it's okay to love her.

My H wanted me to ask her if I NEED to see her every 4 months. I am so glad she said "it's good for you to see me that often". So in a sense she thinks I do need to. She wants me to. I felt so good about that!

I told her what I didn't like about her word choice of "borderline", 11:30 is here, and laughing about whether I am recovered or not. She clarified and said she doesn't think there is a cure, but I am in recovery. Later on she said "people with BPD" instead of "borderline." on purpose and we both laughed because she said it right!

I asked her again about phone calls and she wondered why I have to keep asking, that it is all right to call. She didn't say how often, but whenever I want/need to. I usually don't call very often.

I feel just a little bit let-down because there never is a big emotional experience between us. But that is fantasy anyway. I felt so comfortable there. I told her first thing how nice it was to be there.

Before my session, at home, I told my H I wanted to talk about the problem of saying "I love you". Then I said it to him, and he did to me. So, I really don't have that problem and did not have to discuss it after all. Weird! I'm better but I don't know it yet!

I've got to go to the store, will post again later. It's a need I have to discuss the session--thanks. Maybe I will have to call her, don't know if it's legitimate reason to say it wasn't emotional when I talked about love. I WAS present with her. Maybe it just seems so natural with her now; loving her is not a big deal to her. I mean it's just "nice" and maybe that's the problem. I want intensity, but this was just "nice." I wasn't in pain with anything, so it was a "reconnecting", nice to know T still likes me and is there for me kind of session.

((((((((((((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))))))))))) It sounds like a really good session. I hope that after you sit with it a while, you have lots of good, connected feelings about it

Sounds like it went well, Rainbow. I think the deeper attachment type of love is more of a calm and secure feeling...and not as intense as it might be initially in a relationship. I'm glad you had a good session.

Wow, it sounds like a fantastic session - you talked about a lot of the issues you've mentioned here at PC - good for you!

Writing here (I don't journal any more) helps me process things. So, it was a good, connected session. Why am I a little sad?

1. I can't see her for another 4 months unless something urgent comes up.
2. There was no intensity; everything went smoothly. I like intensity.
3. I didn't cry, duh. I never cry but still I thought the "love" stuff might make me feel something.
4. It was TOO easy to tell her my feelings. She didn't have to pull anything out of me.
5. I didn't get to everything on my list, but I knew I wouldn't.
6. I can't remember exactly what she said when I said I used to hide behind the obsession and it was scarier to feel real feelings about her. Or, maybe I didn't say that? I remember saying something like that.
7. I wanted her to react more, but she was her usual self, telling me it was fine, good, or whatever to feel love for her, and that was all. She smiled and was happy about it.
8. I miss her already.
9. She didn't say "I love you" back but I wasn't expecting her to.

Now for the good things to balance it out:

1. I felt very safe and comfortable as soon as I walked into her house.
2. My favorite pillow to hold was still there. It always is.
3. I was able to start talking right away.
4. I looked at her all of the time.-- had *eye contact"
5. I felt connected to her the whole session.
6. She answered some personal questions about her (not too personal).
7. I was able to use the word "love" and "you" in the same sentence.
8. She was glad that attending her workshop worked out so well, that I "proved" that I could decide that it would be okay, and it was!
9. She liked some poems I wrote.
10. She didn't get defensive when I criticised her and said I could always tell her what I don't like that she says.
11. She said I didn't have to wait 4 months to tell her something; I could call.
12.She wants to see me every 4 months. She didn't kick me out and never will.
13. She actually let me talk a few minutes over 50.
14. She said phone calls were all right and asked why I have to keep checking with her about them.
15. I could tell she was glad to see me!

11. She said I didn't have to wait 4 months to tell her something; I could call.

This is major. Call her if you need to talk. That sounds great. My t told me to call her while she is on vacation but I am going to have to use some serious restraint! I'll call- but hopefully there wont be any kind of crisis going on in the next week.

All in all it sounded like a very good session. You were connected but you know how she will react to certain words/feelings from you. She cares about you a great deal and you know it. You sound really, really clear about the session even though you say you are fuzzy about some of the details.

I also wish I could record a session too. I wish I could have recorded today's session. But I am remembering her words as I go about my evening with my kids.

Im proud of Rainbow! You did great. And dont wait 4 months. Give her a call....just not every day .

Hi Rainbow!

I'm glad your session went well. I know you like intensity, but it sounds like you're developing a good, solid, real relationship with her now. I think that's awesome! I'll bet she is very proud of you. And good for you for speaking up and telling her that you didn't like her use of terms when speaking about people with BPD. It sounds like she was very accepting of your feelings and not defensive. It's also great that she's open to having you call more frequently. It sounds to me like, the less you obsess about her, the more willing she is to let you get closer.

clk6: Thanks for responding. I'm always afraid she will change her mind about calling if I do it too often. I usually want to call soon after the session to clarify something. I may do that today because I realized it was a MAJOR acccomplishment to put "love" and "you" in the same sentence to her. It seemed so easy, but that's because I've been struggling with my feelings for her for 6 years! I want to be sure she knows how HUGE that accomplishment really is. I'm sure she does know, but I don't remember what she said yesterday. It was almost effortless, natural in the session. I'm surprised and pleased with myself!

peaches: you are absolutely correct. My T is willing to let me be closer to her when I don't obsess about her. It's almost like she rewards healthier behavior. I know she uses behavior modification with other people. I LIKE this relationship with her instead of the obsessive one. It gives me a warm feeling inside of me to know that I have control over how the relationship goes, and to know that she is truly happy that I have come this far. Therapy is a partnership and she and I did this together!!

It sounds to me like you're doing just fine, Rainbow.
I see more positives on your list than negatives. No session can ever be perfect. Sounds like you had a good one.

I don't think that any relationship which is long-lasting ever stays intense. Eventually I believe that it becomes easier to see the wonder and beauty in what is. It's what you make of it and how you keep it and how it makes you feel the light inside you. Intensity is fleeting, but it is fun, isn't it? Have you ever thought about finding an alternative outlet to fantasize? I like writing sappy romances myself. You knew that...

It seems to me that your relationship with your T has come to a new and perhaps deeper level.

Maybe next time you can have a goal for even more positives.

Thank you, Bether! I do feel better today. I wrote out what I want to tell my T but I don't think I have to call her, at least not yet. She's IN it with me, so she KNOWS how my feelings about her have changed.

You're right--I feel connected to my T on a deep level. And it's REAL, not a fantasy. I'm not sure I trust it yet, but it's tangible. If I call her, she would agree.

I know therapy is different for everyone, but for me, having what I call this "normal" relationship with my T was my primary goal. Maybe it's what others call a secure attachment. I worked on other issues at the same time as working on the primary one.

I'll think about finding an outlet to fantasize. I'd like to write also, but I've got to set aside the time to do it. Thanks for your input!