T is back today... 2 hrs til T-time

It has only been a week and a half and that isn't too long compared to some T's, so I can't complain.
Okay, actually I can. It's something I do very very well.

I haven't seen her since the session I left halfway through. After that session, the next morning began internal raging. Not at T, but at my job that I'd had a few days away from and returned to. I was angry going in to work, got bombarded and overwhelmed when I got there. It was so intense that I couldn't look or talk to anyone. Eventually I had to of course, just business communication; I think people were taking a wide path around me. I would have too if I could have. If anyone could have read my nasty hateful raging thoughts, I don't know what they would have thought. If I was a man (not to generalize, but maybe I am and if so, I'm sorry).. if I was a man I might hurt someone with this rage or pick a fight. It was awful. I had a migraine with eye pain, I was so tired.

It really scared me and I thought that this was how I used to feel so much! I thought I was past this. Was it meds that took care of this? Do I need them again? (no, never, but wondered anyway) What was going on?! This hasn't happened for so long, years.

Took me 3 days to talk to people at work. Stupid thing is, I knew from experience that it would help me to just talk to others, have that contact, but I refused to make it happen for myself.

Then this morning, knowing T was back today I started feeling better. Still having the headache with eyepain and nausea. But feeling better. I was resisting the idea that just knowing that T is back and I see her today could make me feel better.

I do think it's part of the answer. But the other part just floored me. I am several years post-menopause. Emphasis on "pause" cause today it RESUMED!! So a lot of what I was going through was PMS, only I didn't recognize it. This is how it always was, the SECOND I began to flow, the rage subsided and it was over. My humor returned, the hatefulness feels remote.
I knew what I was experiencing felt familiar, but holy moly it's been several years now!
I hope this is the last "hurrah"..

So, who the heck knows.

All I know is I see T tonight.

Oh wow, I used to get those headaches too!

Feel better. I'm glad T is back and you two can reunite!

((((((Echoes)))) Im glad your t is back and you can resume talking and having your support. Are things better at work now?

PMS is a wonderful thing, isnt it??? I didnt know years after menopause you can get a period again. Is that usual?

I hope you had a really good, connection session, Echoes

Not to be a worrier (or, ok, to be a worrier...), but I have all of these issues with my ovaries so I am always reading stuff about female issues...and I *think* that bleeding that occurs a few years after menopause might be something to get checked out? I could be TOTALLY wrong...but I want you to take care of you!

Ok, I will now make up for my worrying with some of these

(((worriers))) Thank you. This happened after 1 year of no periods, and I had it checked then and a Vaginal Ultrasound and D&C.
But back then, I had good insurance that covered it. Now, I can't afford it. So I will wait and see...

I had a cortisone injection for frozen shoulder/bursitis and wondered if that could have triggered something, but my research isn't showing any connection. Who knows

Anyway...I did have a good session with T. All about anger and what I do with it. Leaving was a thread throughout the session: leaving my life (SI ideation a bunch), leaving my job, leaving the state where I live, leaving T and T leaving (or, leaving T in retaliation for T going away/leaving). Lots of leaving around my leaving my last session early to avoid having to admit I was angry with T. Oh the layers! Fear of speaking my own thoughts. Instead I said "I want to go home. I just want to be at home."
Admitting being angry with T was too dangerous so I took myself away, locked myself away at home, safe.
Like I used to seclude myself in my room, safe.

That was a good session. I wish I didn't have to wait a week to see her , I love going twice a week. But this is what I have to do for now. Not THAT makes me angry, I can admit to that.

Hmmm...I wounder if the cortizone injectons could have affected your period. I had some steriod (small bits) injected into my arm for sun poisoning a while ago and it threw off my period.

It sounds like a good session What you do with anger. And leaving. Even the word gives me chills. It makes me afraid I will be abandoned forever. Do you think you abandoned t before she abandoned you? It is so painful.
In my session today (last before her vaca) I couldnt get up to go. It was so sad and felt like she would never come back

Echoes, Lets partttttttttttty (sorry that smiliey is the closest to a party LOL!)

T-party?

ECHOES, sounds like a really good and connected session. So glad it went well for you after the big walk-out last time. It's so hard to stay there and work through things, isn't it? It's so much easier to run away and not work it out. I think this is part of why the strong and close relationship with the therapist is so essential. That makes it so you can't run away, can't ditch them, you feel like you owe them more, owe them an explanation and an effort to mend things between you. It's like the relationship itself motivates clients to do things they normally might not.

I struggle a lot with feeling like I owe others.
I don't feel like I owe T to stay there and work it out, but rather I owe it to myself to be myself. Even though this was escaping to safety, it was an honest reaction to what was happening at the moment. We talked about it, about how I was telling her how I felt right then about work and dreading returning the next morning after a few days off. One person I was dreading having to be around is someone I have enjoyed also. I was fully aware of that but .. I was telling her how I felt at that moment. And she was telling me that other times I have said I enjoy this person. It went back and forth and I felt like we were sparring. And I felt again that she wasn't hearing me. I can say these things now, but in the moment I was only aware of feeling my pre-session tiredness increase.

It was later, when we talked on the phone, that I could put the words to the experience. And even then I could not put the emotion (anger) there yet. That took the next session to get to.

I'm glad it went this way, because the session on anger was so important and so needed. That session really helped her and I identify a huge obstacle. I have repeatedly denied anger. It's an obstacle in therapy because I shut down in fear of my own anger. So hearing her say that my anger is palpable... well, now I have no reason to deny it because I'm not fooling anyone.

I feel like I should have a T-shirt (hehe) that says "I admitted to anger...and I survived!"

Echoes, WTG!!! (sorry this smiley fits again LOL)

M, I love the smiley~~Thank!

People here say that a lot. Is it really your own anger you fear? I don't understand that. It seems to me that I fear what will happen to me if I get angry. That is, I will be blasted...