[googley]

I went to see a new T this week. But I'm not sure about it. I feel like I should give it more time to see if it settles out. I was going over the background information and mentioned that after college my brother who said he would let me move in with him backed out two weeks before I was supposed to move in. I mentioned that he believed my relationship with my parents was find and I should move in there. I stated that he did not know what it was like living with my parents as he had moved out when I was still in middle school. Later I stated that he was there when I was little and so did know some about my parents fighting, but not the abuse. She said something like "well, then everything wasn't hunky dory for him either". I admit that it wasn't a joy growing up in my family and there was some shared miserable experiences, it was that he was not there when I was in high school or college and hence did not know how bad things got. I felt like she wanted to defend my brother's suggestion that I move home and did not support my view that it was not a viable option. It has made me really mad. Should I continue to see someone who has made me really mad on my first visit? Or should I treat it like a growing experience?

I know my old T (who has been wonderful and who I started seeing closely after graduating,) said she would help me find a new T. She understood when I said that I couldn't live with my parents. I told her shortly before I left about my fear that when I started seeing her she would suggest I move in with my parents. I never had as strong of a feeling as I do now with this new T as I did then. I don't want to bother my old T with having to try and find another person. My Pdoc who said he would help me find someone, but his suggestions have fallen through, said he would be happy to help but when I talked with him he seemed reluctant to continue helping me even though because of my situation I have very specific requirements. Before I moved he said he would help, but now he just seems annoyed. I don't want the same thing to happen with my T. I just don't know what to do and I'm so stressed out from moving that my brain just feels like mush. Any comments or advice?

[confuzzed]

Originally Posted by googley

I felt like she wanted to defend my brother's suggestion that I move home and did not support my view that it was not a viable option. It has made me really mad.
...
I know my old T (who has been wonderful and who I started seeing closely after graduating,) said she would help me find a new T. She understood when I said that I couldn't live with my parents. I told her shortly before I left about my fear that when I started seeing her she would suggest I move in with my parents. I never had as strong of a feeling as I do now with this new T as I did then. I don't want to bother my old T with having to try and find another person. ...
... because of my situation I have very specific requirements.

Hey Googley,
Sounds like a little bit of a sticky situation.
When I was in t the last time I had a few occasions where I got mad at my T. I didn't change Ts at the time, but in looking back on it for me I think it would have been best if I had. After having gotten myself all upset with the T I would try to just tell myself that things were OK, I was just over analyzing things. Now I feel like each time I got angry/upset with the T it just built on the previous time that I got angry/upset. As a result I ended up stopping t very abruptly, which probably wasn't good either.

I would suggest that you really look at how much this new T has upset you.
Yes, I know that t can be upsetting as the goal is to look at ourselves and ultimately figure ourselves out and as humans we don't always want to look in the proverbial mirror and see ourselves. But to me if the T is upsetting you that much it could really be best if you look into finding someone you can work with better.
I don't think your old T would mind at all helping you find another T to see. I think it would be a good idea to enlist the help of your old T, as your old T knows you very well and can try to find someone whose personality would mesh well with yours and who can address your issues.
I feel like I've rambled a bit, but I did want to try and share my thoughts.
Good luck and let us know what you decide to do and how things work out.

[chaotic13]

Iwould just say how could this new T know whether it was a good or bad idea to move back in with your parents after just one meeting? Maybe you could go again and say that you have significant reservations about moving back home and would like to discuss the pros and cons of this move. One advantage of discussion this with another person would be that they have no idea what is actually best for you except for what you tell them. Also in the end it is you who REALLY knows what's best. Just because your T tells you its sounds like a good idea doesn't mean you should do it. Follow your gut.

[googley]

This decision took place three years ago, its gone and done but part of my family history that we were talking about. I just felt like she was supporting my brother over me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by googley

She said something like "well, then everything wasn't hunky dory for him either". I admit that it wasn't a joy growing up in my family and there was some shared miserable experiences, it was that he was not there when I was in high school or college and hence did not know how bad things got. I felt like she wanted to defend my brother's suggestion that I move home and did not support my view that it was not a viable option. It has made me really mad.

Is this all she said on this topic, "well, everything wasn't hunky dory for him either"? Because to me, that doesn't sound like she is telling you that you should have moved home. It just sounds like she is acknowledging that more than one child in this family had a difficult time with their parents. What you wrote doesn't suggest she is doubting you or suggesting you move home or should have then. Did she say anything else to make you think that?

I know my old T (who has been wonderful and who I started seeing closely after graduating,) said she would help me find a new T. She understood when I said that I couldn't live with my parents. I told her shortly before I left about my fear that when I started seeing her she would suggest I move in with my parents.

I wonder if you are very sensitive to this issue and also very sad/upset you had to leave your own T, and so looking for reasons not to like the new T. I know that's a strong statement, but I'm thinking of me and my own T. If I had to quit with him and find someone else, at least at first, no one would fill his shoes, and being with another T might just remind me that it is not my old T and immediately I would not want to be there. I don't know--do you think any dynamics like this might be going on between you and the new T?

I never had as strong of a feeling as I do now with this new T as I did then.

If you don't have a good feeling with this T, then maybe seek elsewhere. They say that the client can usually tell within 3 sessions if the therapist is a good "match". Maybe you are figuring this out early. Maybe not. Keep thinking about all this and I think the choice will become clearer. If you are not sure, you can go back for a second session and see how that goes.

I don't want to bother my old T with having to try and find another person. My Pdoc who said he would help me find someone, but his suggestions have fallen through, said he would be happy to help but when I talked with him he seemed reluctant to continue helping me even though because of my situation I have very specific requirements. Before I moved he said he would help, but now he just seems annoyed. I don't want the same thing to happen with my T.

Maybe ask your T for one more referral. And if that one doesn't work out, can you look on your own, without referrals? Since you have very specific requirements, that might make looking on your own easier--you can screen the Ts on the phone to see if they meet your minimum requirements, before setting up an appointment.

Good luck. Moving is always hard--very discombobulating.

[BlueMoon6]

Hi Googley- Exactly what Sunrise said is what I was thinking. It doesnt sound clear to me from her statement that she wants you to move in with your parents. As a matter of fact, I thought it sounded like she was supporting you not moving into a place (your parents house) when the abuse/difficulties were experienced by your brother, too even tho he moved out first. So...I thought she was supporting you. Unless there were other things she said....

And I also was thinking how difficult it must be to fill the shoes of the t you loved. It takes a while to develop a relationship with a new t and to trust. You may like someone new and get a whole different/better perspective on things but that may take a while to be clear about.

Changes are always so difficult, I say give this new t a little more time. Is she giving you a break with the fee????

[~EnlightenMe~]

Googley --
It probably isn't the most empathic reply that I can think of. If you're unsure, maybe you should try a few more sessions. Make sure you bring up how you felt next session and see how she handles it -- that will give you a better indicator of who she is as a therapist. Let us know what yo decide=)

(((((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))))

I wonder if you could go for your next session, and tell her how you heard what she said? I think it would give you a LOT of insight into how she handles that sort of thing, which is sure to come up in therapy with ANY T.

[ECHOES]

I think her comment was only about his growing up experience and not about whether living with your parents was a good idea or not. And I think T might have been trying to connect with your 2nd thoughts that he did experience some of what you experienced; I think she was kind of rephrasing what you had said.

Our siblings never have the same experiences as we do for so many reasons. Things change is one and even when we experience the same family event, we experience it from our own unique perspective that includes things like gender, age, how we relate it to other personal and unique experiences, etc.

I hope you keep going. It must be really hard to be forced to have a new T after leaving a T you don't want to leave, and as if that wasn't enough, you moved. All those things are stressful and it takes time to adjust and to feel comfortable in new surroundings. It will take time to feel comfortable with your new T, I suspect. It might create a lot of frustration during this time of unfamiliarity. You may wish therapy to be just like your previous therapy. All things familiar begin as something unfamiliar so I hope you will give it more time.

[googley]

I will go back for at least one more session. I will probably bring up what she said. She might have been trying to say that he had a hard time too, (which he did) but he just didn't experience what I did after he left. It seemed like she was saying that because he had a bad experience too, his opinion that I should have moved home was somehow more valid (it was all in the tone of her voice). I see it as he didn't experience what I did and hence his opinion was not valid for my circumstance. But I will bring it up (or try to ). I just feel all twisted up inside, depressed and alone which I know is making this whole thing harder. Thank you for all of your responses and I know that you are probably right about her just trying to show that he had a bad experience too, and this post probably just restated what I already said. I'm not trying to argue, I just feel alone and need to vent.

((((((((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by googley

I know that you are probably right about her just trying to show that he had a bad experience too...

She may have been doing that, and she may not. Maybe you can find out in your next session.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by googley

I will go back for at least one more session. I'm not trying to argue, I just feel alone and need to vent.

(((((((Googley))))))

Please post about how that session goes. Of course, vent to this board
You are not alone- do have people in RL to talk to at all? And there are a lot of people here who care

[googley]

Originally Posted by clk6

(((((((Googley))))))

Please post about how that session goes. Of course, vent to this board
You are not alone- do have people in RL to talk to at all? And there are a lot of people here who care

Right now I only have people on line and over the phone (and I don't really like the phone, I feel like I'm bothering people.) I think I am going to call my last T to check in tomorrow. I will run this all by her also.