[deliquesce]

T was hard yesterday and i had a sad session with pdoc today.
now im feeling very guilty and alone.
pdoc reminded me that i can call him on the weekends and he promised to call back, and he said i could see him twice next week if needed.

i love pdoc so much and im sorry that he's still got me after all he's tried .

he told me some really personal stuff about himself today, and now the gap between us is widening because he's such a great man and i'm worse than nothing.

[Melbadaze]

((((Deli))) .

[~EnlightenMe~]

(((((((((((((((((((((Deli))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) --

You're not alone. We're here=)
You're not worse than nothing. You are awesome!
Your Pdoc is lucky to have you and so are we!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( dear Deli )))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lots and lots of to you, dear one

[Luce]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself today, Deli. I'm kinda having a day like that myself.

Chin up, hun. When it comes down to it, each of us are just imperfect human beings, doing the best we can with what we've got. Some of us have more 'stuff' than others, or have 'achieved' more of whatever our respective cultures value, but every human being on this planet is as worthwhile and deserving as any other, no matter what.

[deliquesce]

(((luce)))

i hope your day gets better. i think you're such a great person here, and your posts are always so insightful and wise, and it makes me sad that you get days where you are down on yourself too.

pdoc told me to chin up, too. he actually made uncurl myself and tip my head right back so that i could break the ruminations which were getting mesmerising. i wasn't doing it, but he kept saying please and please and to trust him. he's so nice to me.

he told me some stuff that i know was big for him to tell me. i was in such a funk though that i didnt even respond or acknowledge what he said. i feel awful about my response, and honoured that he shared what he did. but i dont know if bringing it up next week is a bad idea too.

pdoc gave me a script for a benzo because i just havent been hit like this for a long time now, and it came completely out of no where. but he rang the pharmacy and told them they could only give me enough for 3 days at a time, even though a normal packet has 56 days. i know he is being responsible because he's worried that i wont be.

i wish i could give him back what he shared with me. i feel sad for him and know it was big for him to tell me, and i didnt even respond and that would have hurt, even if the reason he was telling me wasn't to garner any sympathy for him anyway.

i took some of the benzo earlier today but it just knocked me out. evidently have to try a quarter dose next time. but i still feel like crap now, so many sleep until next week (or until the next 3 days) is a good idea anyway.

[BlueMoon6]

he told me some stuff that i know was big for him to tell me. i was in such a funk though that i didnt even respond or acknowledge what he said. i feel awful about my response, and honoured that he shared what he did. but i dont know if bringing it up next week is a bad idea too.

(((((Deli)))) You know, these docs are smart. Thats how they become pdocs (well... some of them, anyway) He knows you are in pain and you heard him. For sure you can say something next week. Its great you see him so often.

Have a restful sleep. Things may be looking better when you wake up. Pleasant dreamies sweet Deli.

[peaches100]

((((((Deli))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten right now. You deserve a whole bunch of these

deli

[imapatient]

I'm offline til Sunday. Can't follow up. Hang in there.

[hangingon]

Hugs to you Deli!

I love that your pdoc shared some things about himself with you. It shows that he also trusts you with his information.......there is alot to be said for that.
He really does care for you......

My T has shared a few things with me as well and I sit there and can't say anything....I have all kinds of questions in my mind that I want to ask in response, but I'm afraid to ask...she has said to me before is there anything else you want to know, I said no....she said are you sure.....I said yep.....of course I lied, I felt as if I were to cross some boundary if I did, even if she did say I could ask her things about her...

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Hugs to you Deli!

I love that your pdoc shared some things about himself with you. It shows that he also trusts you with his information.......there is alot to be said for that.
He really does care for you......

My T has shared a few things with me as well and I sit there and can't say anything....I have all kinds of questions in my mind that I want to ask in response, but I'm afraid to ask...she has said to me before is there anything else you want to know, I said no....she said are you sure.....I said yep.....of course I lied, I felt as if I were to cross some boundary if I did, even if she did say I could ask her things about her...

Hangingon- Yes- it does so show that Deli's pdoc trusts her with the info and that he feels somewhat close. Its so so true.
I could have written this post you wrote. I am so so so glad you wrote this. If there is anything that comes into my mind after a session its what I should have asked when my t discloses something. I never know what to say and Im silent, too. I want to ask a million questions but in the moment I get stunned into silence.

I wanna get much better at asking bad-boundry questions when she shares something...I want to force myself to ask whatever is on my mind that I want to know...she doesnt have to answer...but at least I'll know what she wont answer

[Brightheart]

((((((Deli)))))

Hope you feel better.

[Indie'sOK]

(((((Deli)))))) Hope you feel better soon

[Amazonmom]

You are Deli, you are wonderful. You are NOT worse than nothing.

Your responses have always helped me, you are a good person.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

T was hard yesterday and i had a sad session with pdoc today.
now im feeling very guilty and alone.
pdoc reminded me that i can call him on the weekends and he promised to call back, and he said i could see him twice next week if needed.

i love pdoc so much and im sorry that he's still got me after all he's tried .

he told me some really personal stuff about himself today, and now the gap between us is widening because he's such a great man and i'm worse than nothing.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

he told me some really personal stuff about himself today, and now the gap between us is widening because he's such a great man and i'm worse than nothing.

I think it sounds like you're growing closer not further apart. Pdoc is sharing details from his life with you--that is a sign of closeness and reciprocity. You are close, deli, you just plain are! Don't chase this away.

(((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))

deli, you are so not worse than nothing. i think you're groovy!! seriously, i think you're great. and listen to sunny--she's another wise one. i doubt pdoc expected a response. he knows you heard him. he wasn't looking for sympathy but probably just trying to relate to you. i'm sure he understands. i'm so glad you have pdoc.

[Tumnus]

(((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

Deli, you strike me as being very intelligent and analytical, always wanting to know how things work. That is not being "worse than nothing". I like it (and you).

[Luce]

Hang in there, Deli. You are such a kind and gentle soul.

[ECHOES]

((deli)) I hope you are feeling better today.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Deli)))) How are you doing????? You there????

(((((((((((((((((((((Deli))))))))))))))))))))))

Let all of these hugs in, okay??

[deliquesce]

thank you all for replying and for the many hugs and love .

i just entered a bad headspace on thursday night, and the session with pdoc on friday was difficult and unexpected for us both given how well i'd been travelling recently.

i have been having some very bizarre thoughts that i dont feel are "mine", but they are lessening now and i'm getting my head back again.

i am going to try and tell pdoc thank you for telling me what he did. i feel anxious thinking about it though because i have failed so badly at this in the past, and they really were moments when he needed a compassionate response and i've just said nothing. i know this time the need to be kind wasn't so urgent, but he also told me that i'm the only person now who knows beyond his family, so i know it is something that is a big deal for him.

i think i was the most difficult i've ever been on friday, so i feel doubly bad that i was such an uncooperative **** and also that i didnt respond to his disclosure.

i have always adored pdoc (sickeningly so, as you all know ) but my respect for him has just got up a thousand-fold, and i'm sad that he has to deal with someone like me. i just want the best for him and for him to be happy. i hate how i always create problems and cant just be good.