[hangingon]

I really don't think I can do this therapy stuff anymore, I really don't think I can do it......
Tell me, how do you connect with someone when it doesn't feel real, when none of it feels real???????
All I want to do tonight is cry and cry and cry.....

[coconut64]

((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))) I totally understand what you're saying. We feel this attachment towards our T and we want them to care for us, love us, understand us, hug us...to fill so many of the deep hurts and the voids that we carry. But at the end of that day, it's a professional relationship. So many of us ,because of hardships we have endured, are too scared to let other people fill those gaps. It's so painful. I hope you're going to be OK tonight.

(((((((((((((((((hanging on)))))))))))))))))

oh sweetie i know you're having a really rough time right now. try not to make any decisions when you're upset okay? it's okay to just let yourself cry if you need to. hopefully, you'll feel a lot better afterwards. i think i need a good cry today too.

[del12]

(((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))

It's so lonely when those "this isn't real" feelings come up. Where are those feelings coming from for you right now?? Sometimes if I can figure that out, it's the first step toward feeling a little better....

Lots of to you.

[Brightheart]

(((Hangingon)))

I have some catching up to do with your situation...Why is it that you think it isn't real? It's real...it's just different and limited. What is it that you're feeling that makes it "not real"? The fact that you know it will have to end? Hang in there.

[hangingon]

Want to respond, just have no words right now, I'm sorry, I'll try later....

[Melbadaze]

How do you do it???? You keep talking about it.

[skeksi]

I know what you're describing. It's so hard to make that connection and sustain it and believe in it. But it is real, and it's going to be there waiting when it feels safe to feel it again.

[hangingon]

Coconut,
I wish I were more attached to my therapist maybe it would make things easier. It's more this tug of war within me. One side saying just trust her, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and the other saying, don't do it, you'll probably only be hurt in the end.
It gets so frustrating.

My T does give me hugs at the end of session and says she cares but it's so hard to internalize any of it.
Thanks for your hugs. And you got it right, I'm just scared to death of being vulnerable.

Reflection
Thanks, I did cry that night, and feel it coming again tonight. Ugh....the sadness is getting to be too much. I start back to nursing school tomorrow and am lacking energy to do anything, though I force myself to because I will only beat myself up later if I don't do it.

I really hope I get to the point one day where I recognize crying as good thing, right now, I'm not very comfortable with it.
I hope you you were able to have the good cry you needed

Del,
Thanks for the hugs,
back to you

Tree house,
They were coming because I feel like I was let down by my T at a really hard point, the 1st anniversary of my mom's death (T knows alot of the details surrounding this), I just wish she were more sensitive to this time. I feel myself wanting to shove it all back down.

I did bring up my hurt in her not calling to leave a message. She said she was sorry.......that she really didn't have time. But later in the convo said guess I could of maybe at night.

Then tells me not too long after that that she can't always call right back when I am in crisis ( I had never asked her to call me before this) (And I didn't want to talk, just wanted her to leave a message, I just needed to hear her voice), And I know that she can't always do it right away.....but it was a bad time for her to say that with what I was feeling about the whole thing. I felt like she didn't truly acknowledge my feelings. Again, maybe this is all me, my stupid over sensitivity....

Hence.....obtaining this connection is so stinking hard.......which is why it doesn't feel real.

I just truly wonder how many other people would have been hurt by this?

Bether,
I think what I wrote to tree will help you understand some.
And yes, the fact that I bare my soul about things I have never shared with anyone only to walk away does make this very difficult....

Mel,
Thanks, I'm trying

Skeksi,
Thank you, I hope it will be......sometimes I feel myself totally wanting to pull away......especially when things like this happen.....tug of war, tug of war, tug of war.......

[velcro003]

Hangingon, you are STILL being brave and strong, even if it doesn't feel like it. Believe me. I am proud! Just keep going, and keep talking and you WILL get through this. I don't know how you can let yourself be vulnerable and trust, because I don't know how to do it either. I just keep on keepin' on.

((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))

It is horrible when our Ts let us down, because there is no way to go back and redo it... Once, maybe a year ago, I was in a BAD PLACE. I really needed something from T- I can't remember what, maybe an extra appointment, or a phone call or something - and I left him voice messages and e-mailed him and made it really clear (I thought) that I needed (whatever it was that I needed - can't remember). And he never e-mailed or called...even though he told me he would ALWAYS e-mail or call if I asked - and I definitely asked.

I was SO HURT. I thought that was it for me, I'd never be able to trust him again. When we finally connected, all he said was "I screwed up". I asked if there had been some sort or emergency or something, and there hadn't been. So there was no "good excuse" other than t made a mistake. And there we were.

It was definitely one of those "this isn't a real relationship" moments...and it really made me question whether he cared, whether I could trust him, all of that. Part of me just wanted to put up all of my walls (which I did for a bit) and quit therapy...and part of me knew that with him, I would heal...even if he makes mistakes sometimes. I want to heal more than anything.

So, I had to just let it go. We did talk (and talk and talk) about it, but in the end, all I could do was forgive him and move on.

It is HORRIBLE when our T's don't give us what we need, especially when we are in a crisis or a really vulnerable moment (I was in that sort of time as well when this happened). It hurts and it makes us question everything.

I hope you are able to find some peace around it, hangingon.

Lots and lots of to you.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I really don't think I can do this therapy stuff anymore, I really don't think I can do it......
Tell me, how do you connect with someone when it doesn't feel real, when none of it feels real???????
All I want to do tonight is cry and cry and cry.....

Hangingon....I think your name says it all. You just hang on. I think you know she cares about you. But like everyone else has said it is so hard to connect when they let us down and we dont feel attached or we dont want to let ourselves feel safe. I know that feeling of not wanting to be vulnerable.
Maybe you can say something to her about feeling like she didnt care or wasnt sensitive to what you needed at this sensitive time.

I think she cares and you cant imagine how many of those "this isnt a real relationship" moments I have had with my t. But it isnt the kind of relationship Im used to and she cares and I have really learned from her that people make mistakes and I make mistakes and I can forgive her. She has apologized to me countless times. If you tell her, she will have an opportunity to aplogize and you can see her as more human. Its also is a good opportunity to get closer when you are even a little bit honest about being hurt by her.

[peaches100]

(((((Hangingon)))))

I know you're feeling disconnected with your t right now. It's so hard! It's also hard when we realize we need something from t, and we ask for it, and then don't get it. That has happened to me several times when i told my t (in emails) how much i needed her to hug me. . .yet when i broke down in session -- even crying so hard i could barely breathe -- she never did it. It was such a huge step of courage for me to tell her what i needed -- and then to go without what i needed when i most needed it, it crushed me. i really almost left therapy over it. So I understand how it must have hurt when you asked your t to leave you a message and she didn't. It's a painful, painful realization that our t's can't always give us what we need when we need it. For me, it was a reminder of all the times as a child when i needed support and comfort and didn't get it. I've had to really, really remind myself of all the other things my t has done to support me.

There's a statement in child development books about the "good enough mother." It explains that the good enough mother is supportive and responsive most of the time. Because she is usually in tune and responsive with her child, that child learns to trust in the connection and relationship. . .even when there are times of misattunement. It's sort of that way in our relationship with our t. We let them see the most vulnerable part of us, and we look to them to be supportive and responsive to our needs. But sometimes they fail to be there when we need them. And that's we need to remind ourselves of all the other ways they have been there for us. Hopefully, the t has built up a record of being empathetic, interested, and responsive. If so, we can weather those times of disconnection because they have become like the "good enough mother."