[fallenangel337]

I was thinking today how things would be so much easier if I didn't like T.

I wouldn't trade my T for the world, and I love the relationship we have, but I've noticed that at times I'm hesitant to bring something up because I don't want to come across as "crazy" to her. I'm so protective of our relationship, and I feel like maybe some things would be easier if I didn't like her.

Thoughts? Has anyone else ever gotten this thought before?

Oh my gosh, YES. I want T to like me, and it is scary to tell him things that make me sound "crazy". I just left him a message about that on Friday.

When I was first in therapy, I was constantly telling him "I'm not like this in real life". I wanted him to know that I'm basically FINE. He must have finally got sick of hearing it, because he finally responded one day "yes, I know, you tell me that ALL THE TIME"

The thing is, I need help, or I wouldn't be in therapy. I am trying really really hard to let that thought go...the thought that I don't want to seem "crazy" because I want T to like me. He will always be my T - we're not going to be friends outside of the room - and as much as I want him to like me, I also want to HEAL. That was sort of an "a-ha" moment I had recently. I KNOW he likes me, and even loves me. And I KNOW he will always be my "therapist". And I KNOW I want more than anything to heal. So, if I seem "crazy", that's because there is a crazy side of me that needs help. That's why he's there.

It's a hard thing to come to terms with, really. I am used to putting on a really good show for everyone around me - I have ALWAYS been like that, ever since I was teeny tiny and couldn't tell anyone about the abuse. It makes me feel unbelievably vulnerable to tell T about the abuse and it's effects on me. I guess I've never been this honest with anyone before.

I SO get it, angel

[lbms21x]

yea i hide somethings from mine also. it almost makes things worse because it bugs me that i amcuz she is there to help. mine is more so she doesnt think im crazy, but think she already knows that.

[hangingon]

LOL, I just had a talk with my T about this last week and how I post on a board to ask certain questions rather than talking to her about them because I don't want her to think I am crazy.

She said first off everyone is different so just because you experience something one way doesn't mean your crazy. She really keeps encouraging me to ask her or talk to her about anything but I still have not been able to do that.

Nope, I don't want her to think I am crazy. But maybe one day I will talk to her about more things. I can very much relate!

Originally Posted by fallenangel337

I was thinking today how things would be so much easier if I didn't like T.

I wouldn't trade my T for the world, and I love the relationship we have, but I've noticed that at times I'm hesitant to bring something up because I don't want to come across as "crazy" to her. I'm so protective of our relationship, and I feel like maybe some things would be easier if I didn't like her.

Thoughts? Has anyone else ever gotten this thought before?

I can so relate!!! My T and I have had multiple conversations about this, it's one of the reasons I haven't fully 'let go' in session - I'm afraid T will see what I consider this really ugly side to me. T said we have a really good rapport right now, and that I'm scared of ruining that - true! T has told me to be more 'unreasonable' in therapy and not to try to please her all the time, but it's hard, because I was always punished for being unreasonable.

I'll be discussing this very topic more with T this evening - it's our first double session, and I have to tell T that I realized that I'm scared she will end up resenting me if she's worn out after a long session, or that I'm making her day longer and am taking away time from her personal life. Ugh, why do we make everything so complicated?

fallenangel

[SpottedOwl]

I've noticed that at times I'm hesitant to bring something up because I don't want to come across as "crazy" to her.

I can really identify with this statement. I look to T for approval, and if I say something that might sound 'off', I am scared about what T might think of me. T has often said that he wants to know ALL of me, 'warts and all', and that the more he finds out about me the more he likes me. It seems so strange to me that finding out about my faults makes him like me more, but if I take a step back it does make sense.

When I look at the people in my life that I love, each and every one of them has faults. I still love them. Sometimes it is their faults that make them even more endearing than if they were just 'perfect'. I've also learned that other people still like me even if I am a bit strange sometimes. I'm not sure I could have learned that lesson without first experiencing it in a safe place with T.

I still am hesitant to tell T about some of my 'crazy' thoughts. The risk of rejection is still there. But, each time I take that risk and confirm with T that he still likes me, I gain a little more confidence in myself.

[jacq10]

((((((((((Angel)))))))))))

I have gone through a VERY similar situation (mind you it wasn't with a T, but I think this still applies).

I completely understand your thoughts behind it being easier to hate her... but coming from experience (actually convincing myself I hated this person)... it only adds to the heartache. Because underneath all this hatred, lies even more deep-rooted sadness. Convincing yourself you hate her is just essentially a way to avoid dealing with how you actually feel. And while for a little while this protection method actually works, once it stops... well the pain just comes back even more strongly and you are left to deal with the remains either way.

Because this is a relationship with your T, I'm POSITIVE that she has had other clients come in with stories that may appear to a random person as "crazy", BUT the difference is, this is a T, and I would be really shocked if she ever thought that of you. So my opinion, if you should want it, is to just talk with her. Tell her all that you are hiding inside of you and just get it out there. If your T is who you really think she is, she will not judge you... and I'm sure she will just want to help you through whatever it is that you are struggling with.

Whats that saying about a butterfly - if you try to hard to hold on to it, it will fly away or be harmed?

If you try and hold on to (protect) your relationship with your T too much, the opposite will most likely happen (i.e., the relationship will experience strain in some respect). So instead of trying to remain in complete control (by protecting the relationship, OR yourself by becoming angry), just experience it as it is, and trust that your T will understand and stay with you.

Sending lots of hugs

[tryingtobeme]

Originally Posted by fallenangel337

I was thinking today how things would be so much easier if I didn't like T.

I wouldn't trade my T for the world, and I love the relationship we have, but I've noticed that at times I'm hesitant to bring something up because I don't want to come across as "crazy" to her. I'm so protective of our relationship, and I feel like maybe some things would be easier if I didn't like her.

Thoughts? Has anyone else ever gotten this thought before?

I know and understand your feelings. When I read what you wrote, I thought you was talking about me and my T. I have the same feelings. It is very hard sometimes, but someplace I always get the courage and usually feel better in the long run.

Take care.

[fallenangel337]

Everyone, I am SO relieved to hear that I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I would never do ANYTHING to harm the relationship, or to try and make myself like T less, but the thought of what it would be like lingers in my mind. But still, I'm glad I'm not alone.

Originally Posted by jacq10

If you try and hold on to (protect) your relationship with your T too much, the opposite will most likely happen (i.e., the relationship will experience strain in some respect). So instead of trying to remain in complete control (by protecting the relationship, OR yourself by becoming angry), just experience it as it is, and trust that your T will understand and stay with you.

I have never thought of it like this before, but this makes SO much sense to me. Thank you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((( dream )))))))))))))

My feeling is that double sessions are wonderful (in terms of not running out of time)
but are also so very hard and scary (in terms of not running out of time!!)

Hope yours went very well. how are you today?

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

((((((((( dream )))))))))))))

My feeling is that double sessions are wonderful (in terms of not running out of time)
but are also so very hard and scary (in terms of not running out of time!!)

Hope yours went very well. how are you today?

The session itself didn't seem that long - we had no problem filling it up. I think it helped the way we spaced out the EMDR and the 'normal' talking. I'm not feeling great today, though - not sure if it's the EMDR working or what, but I'm feeling very tired and drained.