Why is it important ...

I've read a few posts on here about eye contact in therapy and was wondering why it was important or why it mattered? Does it matter? Are you supposed to maintain eye contact with your T? Just curious.

Well personally I can't maintain eye contact with mine. Maybe in the future I will be able to but not yet.

hi there,

I'm not a T, or even studying to be one, jI am ust a client, but for my $0.02 there is no such thing as "supposed to" in therapy. Um - other than you are supposed to pay your bill lol, supposed to show up lol, and supposed to do your best >>> whatever that happens to be at the time.
After two years of T's patient efforts, there are still days what I couldn't tell you what she was wearing, except maybe for her shoes. But I could sure draw you a picture of her rug.

You just do what you can. go easy on yourself

Hi Dazed and Confused,

I agree with SittingAtWatersEdge. I believe there is no right way to do therapy. What works for one person may not work for another. And there is some extent to which we each find our own way.

However, I expect it may be pretty common that clients do not have much eye contact initially when they are starting therapy. I think a lot of the topics people discuss in therapy tend to be difficult, and a way folks often cope with the uncomfortable feelings is by looking away when they are talking. If the topics people are discussing involve shame, grief, or sadness, I think it is even more likely they might look away. I suspect it is pretty common that therapists encourage clients to experiment with direct eye contact as therapy progresses. It can be hard work, but it can also be rewarding. I know this was something that came up for me, but my therapist did not work on this with me until we had been working together for some time and I had developed a good level of trust with him. Working on eye contact with him, even some short eye contact when I was doing hard work, was hard but good. He wanted me to see that he was still caring about me, and accepting of me, even though I was discussing very difficult things. If I hadn't been brave enough to look at him, I wouldn't have seen that. So as hard as it was, it was a good lesson for me. Every client and therapist are different, but I have a hunch that this often comes up in therapy.

Take care,
ErinBear

When I first started with T, my eye contact was non-existent- not just with T but with everyone. I thought eveyone one was looking at me as I was walking down the street. He took me out to see if it was true. (it still is in my mind). Anyway, we have had several conversations about maintaing eye contact in t. He says he finds it really difficult to connect with me when I dont look at him. I suppose that's the issue with Ts and eye contact. Somtimes I just cant do it if we are talking about something difficult. So we try and work on it, but I am just terrible at it!

Do you usually have eye contact with people when you talk to them? Some people don't ever look at people, so if this is your typical way of interacting with people, maybe your T just has to adjust.

For people who do normally look at people, if you are not looking at your T, it is probably because you are in the middle of talking about something difficult or shameful. When this happens to me, I do find it helpful to try to look up to T from time to time, because when our eyes meet, we can connect, and that is helpful. It makes me feel not so alone in what I am telling him--like he is there and listening and that he cares.

Also, I think looking down and not in T's eyes is a way of communicating to him that "this is hard for me", and so it has communicative value and so is not necessarily a "bad" thing to do.

Very early on in therapy, T told me that if the client looks down and to the right it means something different from if they are looking down and to the left. I cannot remember at all what he meant by this, but now I am curious!

I have trouble with eye contact in general. My T encouraged me to maintain eye contact with her, and acknowledged when I did better with it. I asked her if we are supposed to have eye contact with people and she said yes. I guess that was pretty obvious but I asked her anyway! She had that famous quote about eyes being the mirrors to the soul.

I got used to the eye contact and I feel very close to her when I look at her.

being able to maintain eye contact is just something that is important in our society. ive found that not forcing a client to make eye contact makes things run a lot more smoothly...after ive earned their trust, eye contact starts to become more frequent. engaging in activities that dont require eye contact can help the client feel more comfortable about not maintaining it. this is especially helpful with adolescent and child clients.

i remember a time when i was doing a session with a 16 year old girl and we started late afternoon and as the sun set it got dark in the room. the only light we had was the glow from the computer. i asked if she wanted to turn on the light and she said no...she talked more than she had the entire 5 weeks i'd been seeing her! and about real things, nothing she had been willing to speak about before. since i was sitting by the computer, she could pretty much see my eyes, but i couldnt see hers and i think not being seen and not having to maintain eye contact made her feel safer in talking about what was on her mind. that was the only time we did a session in the dark and the only time she was really open and i didnt have to drag things out of her.

i say all that to say, that eye contact is socially important but i find that the reasons for the lack of eye contact are far more important than forcing a client to look me in the eye.

My T brings up eye contact all the time, or my lack thereof She says it's caused in part by my self-esteem issues, and it's something we'll work on. I agree, there are no supposed tos in T. Just go in and be yourself, do what's comfortable for you

I have trouble with eye contact in session. And generally. Like others have said, I don't think there are "supposed to"s in therapy, but your therapist might encourage you to make better eye contact as it is an important social cue. Personally I want my eye contact to be better. I want to act more confidently.

My last T probably saw my eyes about 5% of the time I was in session. The rest of the time I was staring at my hands, hands covering face, staring at my shoes, picking at lint on the couch, etc. I have a much better relationship with my new T, and I am venturing into improved eye contact with her. But it's all about comfort level I think!!

Eye contact for me is very important - especially with my current T. I do struggle with this for the most part (mostly when I'm doing the talking), but there have been a couple of times where I have allowed myself to look at T, and I mean really look at her (as opposed to simply glancing up), and it was so powerful. I truly felt "held" by T, and I was able to get that sort of comfort from her that I'm not able to get otherwise (via hugs etc). So this was important to me as it showed me that even though T has strict boundaries with physical contact, I can be just as equally held by her through eye contact.

I am rather startled to hear someone say something reasonable and perceptive like this.

My T has made a real effort not to give much eye contact (he says I'm threatened by it, which is accurate) and he has rarely asked for me to make it--only when he wants to make a point of showing that he's not angry or judging me when I fear that. I have done months and months of sessions talking to the window or his feet or, as I got braver, his reflection in the window!

Several years into the therapy process, I am finally able to sustain eye contact for a few seconds at a time. I like it, when I can toelrate it. It makes me feel more cared about. That's a hard thing to accept, though, so I often break my eyes away quickly.

I had a great deal of trouble with eye contact for a long time in therapy, but I did outside of therapy with everyone else as well. I think sometimes for shy folks it is just too much self-exposure. You're being stripped down and showing your soul. It takes time to build trust. Gradually, little by little, my eye contact improved. By the time of my last session, I'd completely lost all fear of looking him in the eyes. And I found that to be very freeing for me. I was completely comfortable being myself. A huge gain for me and one that I've taken with me since I've left therapy. But he never ever forced me to look at him...or even brought it up for that matter.

I would say do only what you feel comfortable with doing and in time, as you gain trust, everything will likely fall in place for you. You'll find yourself looking more when you feel ready to.

Yeah, I read something about this ages ago. I believe it's to do with the factual part and the creative part of your brain being on different hemispheres/sides and so you look one way (left or right - up/down is less important i think) when recalling facts/ memories and the other way when being creative with the truth! Interesting stuff, but obviously only a guide as not everyone's brain is wired the same way.