[jacq10]

Today I had my session with my T and I nearly made her cry
Near the end of session, she asked me how I thought things went today (after a pretty tough session nonetheless), and I told her about the stupid stupid article on here that Christina posted about RE: dependency in therapy. I told her that I thought the article was very opinionated and I didn't really agree with it, but that it raised some concerns in my mind about therapy.

I told her it bothered me that the author referred to therapists as "role playing" and just generally not being authentic in their client relationships, and that at the end of the day they don't really care about us and we are just essentially their job.

As soon as I said that, I corrected myself that I wasn't implying like I felt that about her, but that it was just bothering me.

She then said to me that she had to tell me something that she thought I already knew which was that she really did care about me and think about me outside of session (which is where she teared up) but that she does have an outside life that I will probably not know very much about.

After this I started tearing up too, and the rest of our conversation afterwards is a huge blurr and I couldn't tell you what we spoke about.

Part of me feels like that semi-confirmed that she is authentic in our relationship (which I wasn't doubting though...), and then there is another part of me that feels horrible if she thinks that I was intending to accuse her of doing those things the author described.

And not to be dramatic, but I'm just so emotionally-disraught right now that I physically feel ill and couldn't tell you what I learned in the past 3 hours of class.

I don't know what to do

((((((((((((((((jacq)))))))))))))))

It sounds like she just wanted to be sure that you understand how much she genuinely cares about you. If anything, she probably knew that you needed to confirm that after reading the article. That's totally understandable

[Junerain]

To me, that is beautiful human emotion, to be treasured forever, she was probably glad to be able to express and show emotion for you, she is human, too.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

In sincerely hope that her tears were an expression of what she said RE: caring and thinking about me... and not something as a result of her thinking I was trying to attack her or imply that she didn't value our relationship.

PS, I just reread my post (I wrote it in a fluster) and I DID NOT mean to imply that Christina was wrong in posting the article, I was just making reference to it as she had recently posted a link to it!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Jacq- That is really a beautiful thing you posted. Your t sounds very genuine to me and it brought up feelings for her as it did for you too. Its wonderful and brave that you brought that up with her. And, you know, if it were me, Id also be afraid she thought I meant it about her and feel horrible. But, I think, fter your conversation, she knows you didnt, but that the thought of her role-playing and you being merely a paycheck to her would be very, very sad. It looks like it would be very sad for her, too.

I am impressed by the genuineness of your t

[ECHOES]

jacq you don't have to do anything. I think she could have been touching on the issue of separateness. We are connected with our T's (and others), yet we are separate. Part of our T's life does include us and part of it doesn't. I believe that the part that does include us is absolutely authentic.

There are many kinds of T's and therapies and not all T's and/or therapies encourage a close relationship and in fact some outright discourage it, such as discouraging transference.

We are fortunate that we have T's who do value the therapy relationship and who tell us that they think of us outside of the therapy session. When it is hard to believe our good fortune, it is possible for the trust and faith in the authenticity of the relationship to be a bit insecure and fragile when doubted for whatever reason. I'm proud of you for telling your therapist how you were feeling and why. I love that she reassured you and that she was so touched when she told you that she cares about you (and that apparently she felt sad *for you* that you didn't know that).

She sounds like a wonderful T and I think you will feel better soon and this experience will strengthen your wonderful relationship with her.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by jacq10

I told her it bothered me that the author referred to therapists as "role playing" and just generally not being authentic in their client relationships, and that at the end of the day they don't really care about us and we are just essentially their job.

(((jac10)))

I don't for a minute believe that this is true of most therapists out there. My T told me once that the therapist part of his person was a very genuine part of his person. So perhaps they do try to discover in themselves what you need, but that does not mean they are not being authentic with you. If they didn't care about us, I don't think they could do very much to genuinely help us. I'm happy to know that your therapist confirmed this.

[jacq10]

Thank you all so much for your encouraging posts.

After taking the rest of the day to mull over what happened, I am able to appreciate how special that moment was (assuming she wasn't offended), and the fact that she was able to express what she did is pretty huge.... and really validating.

I've never in my life had a relationship quite like this one, nor have I ever met a person quite like her, and so I find I'm learning so so much whenever I talk with her... and words can't express how much I appreciate how patient and understanding she has been with me.

Part of me wants to send her an email further clarifying that I didn't mean for my comments to be directed at her, but I think this one should be saved for the next time I see her.

Thanks again everyone

[FooZe]

((((((((((Jacq))))))))))

Originally Posted by jacq10

... and then there is another part of me that feels horrible if she thinks that I was intending to accuse her of doing those things the author described.

It sounds to me as if that's the part of you in charge of telling you you should have known better. If so (and if it's so smart), is it able to explain to your satisfaction what you could've known and how you could've known it?

(Long story, greatly shortened): Some years ago I went through a phase where I'd had enough of being careful "on general principles." I wanted to determine to my own satisfaction how careful I actually needed to be and whether it was true that any mess I could make I could also (somehow) clean up.

I discovered, first, that there were many things well worth saying or asking that I wouldn't have dared to say or ask if I was still committed to being careful; second, that people seemed slightly less inclined than before to misunderstand me, project on me and take offense; and third, that the (very few) people who did point out that I should have known better, seemed far more interested in catching me for not knowing better than in telling me whatever it was that they needed me to know.

The second-guessing I see you doing about what you should and shouldn't have told your therapist and how she might possibly have misunderstood it, reminds me very much of that handful of critics that I ran into during my above-described "phase". It reminds me even more, though, of the "being careful" that I'd previously been doing in order to anticipate and avoid their criticisms.

I notice, by the way, that you said "if she thinks that I was intending to accuse her of doing those things..." For me at least, there's a world of difference between sharing in therapy that you're afraid that someone might do those things, and claiming that she actually had done them. From your description it sounded exactly as if she was addressing your fears, not defending herself against an accusation.

Excessively personal question, the kind I used to know better than to ever ask:
By any chance did anyone ever do those things to you and also teach you that you should know better than to ever point out that they were doing them?

-------------------
PS -- I took a break while writing the preceding and noticed after posting it that you'd been here and posted in the meantime. I tend to think that what you've realized on your own pretty much makes this redundant, but I'm going to let it stand.

[jacq10]

(((((((((FooZe)))))))

Thanks for your post and for sharing your own experiences.

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

it sounded exactly as if she was addressing your fears, not defending herself against an accusation.

Addressing my fears.... I like that. And the more I think about it, the more I think that you may have been right...

Thanks buddy