[Melbadaze]

Well, I managed to reach those far away desires within myself...I had to punch the couch before I could get myself to speak the words, but I told T how in my head and I repeated that to her so she wouldnt say ok you can, so I said in my head, I am afraid I will loose control of myself and rush to you and grab you and that you push me away. T gently replied "I know you won't believe this, but I wouldnt push you away" oyvey, that was like honey on my toast.

She talked about this part of me that wants to be held as the heathy part of me. Something about that statement sticks with me. I was crying tremendously as I spoke about how I have fantasys of dying and she sits beside me and she said, "yes that way you don't have to do anything to get caring, so you aren't risking rejection".

As we talked some more, I said, I can't do this, unyet I feel if I could solve this part everything else would just fall away, would just be stuff. She said yes, but talking about that "stuff" is what makes it eventually ok in here to solve this other part.

She said, "do you think being held would resolve the deep needs you have"? I know she was inviting me to hug, but she of course won't say let me hug you, or make the first move physically, but man, she couldnt be more ready then what she is.

She said you seem afraid that you won't be able to "digest" these feelings and your afraid that I won't either.

Well almost, but not quite, but I think its possible that one day I will, take the hug!!

[Melbadaze]

Oh also T had done something that someone has never done before for me. She has a giant sunflower growing in her front garden and I told her how they freak me out, this was sort of said in a light hearted tone, but she asked me why I dont like them? and I said because I feel they are wartching me.

The next session when I arrived it was gone and as she opened the door to greet me I smiled and pointed to the newly raked earth and said, "its gone" she smiled back and said "yes".

That like wow'ed me out that she must have thought about me and decided to do it.

[polarsmom]

Wow! Removing that sunflower was such a touching thing to do. That tugged at my heart strings.

[BlueMoon6]

Wow Melba- It sounds like your t deeply cares for you. I hope that soon you can take the hug. Isnt it hard when t's want us to make the move?

It is touching to me, too that she removed the Sunflower. It must have been big. I like sunflowers, but I really do undertand that feeling that they are watching you. They are sort of person-like.

Melba You're so brave!!!

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

She said, "do you think being held would resolve the deep needs you have"? I know she was inviting me to hug, but she of course won't say let me hug you, or make the first move physically, but man, she couldnt be more ready then what she is.

She said you seem afraid that you won't be able to "digest" these feelings and your afraid that I won't either.

This touches my heart! Last week, I was so happy to find out that T does give out hugs, yet I've had 2 sessions to ask for a hug... T has even lingered before opening the door at the end of my sessions... and I still haven't asked for a hug. You described what I've been feeling perfectly - I'm afraid that if I do finally hug T, I'll overwhelm her and myself with my strong feelings. In my mind, I'm making it out to be more than just a hug - it's like your T said, I have this notion that being held by someone whom I feel safe with will resolve those needs I have that were never met. And it's not like this is a new notion, I've thought this way for years.

So, as much as I'd absolutely love to reach out to T for a hug, I'm still scared to do it. I suppose I should follow your brave example and discuss that with T next week!

[Melbadaze]

Dream, Blue, Polar, yes thanks for the replys. I think more than just being brave its when the not talking about something becomes more painful than talking about it. I had had a manic weekend dealing with the conflictedness going on within me and had emailed T saying I wish she would lock me in a room until I speak the words I so want to speak. T replied that it was positive that I knew what it was I wanted to say. I knew this time, I couldn't just walk into session and not follow through on the wkend emails it was to painful, its got to be done. Tomorrow is my next session but its the last one for a week, not sure if its a good idea to try and get back to where we left off or whether its the perfect time?? we're see. Its silly, but what I'm afraid of is, what do we do once the hug is over? LOL! talk about what we had for breakfast??

melba, this is all so great. you are working really hard and your t sounds wonderfully caring. sunflowers are big suckers and they are so dang cheery too. i like them but i just love gerber daisies. as for what you do after the hug i think anything is ok. you can make a mad dash out the door, be silent, talk about nothing or everything.

that was a safe hug for you if you want it.

[Melbadaze]

Thanks bloom, now may I ask what you had for breakfast? LOL!

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Thanks bloom, now may I ask what you had for breakfast? LOL!

yw. lol, were you referring to the time we were posting? if so, i hadn't gone to bed yet! i'm a batgirl.