[BlueMoon6]

I have my appt with ftt on monday. Its been a pretty good week since my last appt, but I did have a difficult time during the afternoon after the session with some dissociated periods of time and feelig really confused. I am an expert at taking painful feelings, locking them in a room inside my mind and shutting the door. They are gone. So, I was able to get through my week well, but with many fears that I havent had to this intensity in a while. It looks like the door wasnt shut so tight afterall. There are so many weird things that I cannot get out of my mind. One is that my car will blow up when I start it, like Apolina in the movie The Godfather. When Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) is in hiding in Sicily and his killer inadvertently blows up his young wife. That I will be punished in a way that I have no control over. Like getting blown up going to the grocery store. I know this fear isnt rational. But I cant get it out of my mind. I know intellectually it is (maybe?) anxiety and fears about talking about csa or childhood pain, but I am in "auto mode" and I feel a little out of control, if that makes any sense.

Since I read the letter I wrote to dt to ftt, I mentioned difficult issues. When I was with dt, I just touched on these things, she really didnt let me go there. Maybe I wanted it that way? I dont know what to thnk. Ftt is taking a different approach. She says we have to do "trauma work." I should have asked what she meant by that. Even after reading here on this board, I still am not sure. Maybe I am having all of these symptoms to make myself too fragile to do the work? I know I dont want to do it. I know I have to take it slowly. But I dont even want to begin. Id rather go monday and talk about the weather. I had a really bad experience with dt in that when I didnt know what to say, I became silent, had a hard time getting the words out of my mouth and she got angry. It wasnt my imagination. She was impatient and telling me how much time I was wasting in silence. I need therapy to get over therapy with her! I am afraid ftt will be impatient with me. When I talk about csa, or emotional abuse, or things I can barely remember, I cant get the words out in a coherent way. And when I try, it comes out in pieces. I like it when I am clear and have processed first. But the way I feel now is unlcear, unprocessed (if that is a word), frightened and irrational.

And the thing is, this is a part of me that I shut the door on easily. I can act as if Im OK. I can go about my daily life as if nothing is the matter. I can have fun (the part of me that can have fun). I am SO incredibly good at that. I can even go in there and say everything is fine (I wont be doing that). But this frightened, irrational piece of me/part of my brain has more influence on my behavior than Id like to believe. I hope this makes some kind of sense. ugh!

[darkrunner]

BlueMoon,
I'm so sorry about the experience you had with dt. That is horrible!
Everything you wrote makes sense to me. I can relate to a lot of what you said, about being afraid of how ftt will react, and being scared of trauma work.
I think it is a scary process for anyone to begin. It is really important for you to go at your own pace, as you begin to trust ftt and feel ready. Maybe you can ask ftt to explain what trauma work is, and what exactly she expects of you, and what you can expect of her, and your fears and reservations. I think it would help for you to be comfortable and secure with all of these things before you can start really working on the trauma.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I have my appt with ftt on monday.

There are so many weird things that I cannot get out of my mind. That I will be punished in a way that I have no control over.

Maybe I am having all of these symptoms to make myself too fragile to do the work? I know I dont want to do it. I know I have to take it slowly. But I dont even want to begin. Id rather go monday and talk about the weather.

I had a really bad experience with dt in that when I didnt know what to say, I became silent, had a hard time getting the words out of my mouth and she got angry. She was impatient and telling me how much time I was wasting in silence.

I am afraid ftt will be impatient with me.

When I talk about csa, or emotional abuse, or things I can barely remember, I cant get the words out in a coherent way. And when I try, it comes out in pieces. I like it when I am clear and have processed first. But the way I feel now is unlcear, unprocessed (if that is a word), frightened and irrational.

So you want to go into your session with FTT all pulled together and organized to your appt.?

Are you afraid that FFT might react like DT and be impatient?



Blue, I really like you a lot. You have one of the most sweet, cute and charming personalities! I just don't know how DT could have treated you that way! Well, I guess I do because I don't think that she could understand any of her clients and all of her clients got the same treatment. How sad that she couldn't see how wonderful you are! (I know that I am assuming a lot about your T but you have told us a lot about her!)

[BlueMoon6]

Youre right, kt that is exactly what i have to ask. She said it a number of times and I didnt ask. Sounded scary....I like to let scary things go.... I will ask her monday what will it look like to do trauma work? And tell her what my fears are and reservations. Like blanking out. Going numb. Feeling overwhelmed. Thanks-

((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))))

I think it's really normal for trauma memories to come up in really disorganized, confusing fragments. That is part of the work actually....letting it come up how it comes up, and gradually, over time, piecing all of those little fragments together into a narrative that makes sense and that you can understand and integrate as PART of your life story. With the traumas that I have really pretty much worked through from beginning to end, they started out as flashbacks and fragments, and over time, became a story with a beginning AND AN END. The brain doesn't store trauma in the same way that it stores other memories. Part of the healing is getting the memories out of that "trauma" way of remembering them. So, bring the memories up HOWEVER they come up. It's not your job to try to package them all neatly...that is something that will come later, with T. The important thing is to start getting them OUT of your head, to stop being all alone with them.

Can you tell ftt that you are scared of talking about the trauma stuff, partly because of how desk t reacted? Maybe you need some reassurance about how ftt will handle this stuff.

Before I talked about certain things with T (especially the CSA) I asked him lots and lots and lots and LOTS of questions. I asked him to tell me how it went with his other clients. I asked him to tell me stories of people who had healed. I asked him how he feels when he hears the stories. I asked him every single thing I felt like I needed to know, no matter how silly or irrelevant it seemed. Later, T said I was "brilliant" because I was setting everything up in such a way that I would KNOW I was safe and I would be as successful as possible. It is okay to ask any questions you need to ask, and talk about any fears you need to talk about, before you delve into the hard stuff. The hard stuff will still be there; the most important thing is that you feel really, truly safe when you start talking about it.

Hang in there, bluemoon. You are working hard

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you want to go into your session with FTT all pulled together and organized to your appt.?

yes...

Are you afraid that FFT might react like DT and be impatient?

Maybe, although I cant imagine her being impatient, I am afraid she will hide her irritation with me being so.....in pieces. She'll think I am not a good enough patient. I cant make myself understood. ??? Or something. I feel somehow like I have to have it all together and make some sense. OK- I'll tell her that, too. This is hard.

Thanks. Sannah

Blue, I really like you a lot. You have one of the most sweet, cute and charming personalities! I just don't know how DT could have treated you that way! Well, I guess I do because I don't think that she could understand any of her clients and all of her clients got the same treatment. How sad that she couldn't see how wonderful you are! (I know that I am assuming a lot about your T but you have told us a lot about her!)

Why thank you, Sannah! Wow! But I do imagine that dt treated all of her clients the same way. I think so b/c my husband went to see her and he said the same thing, and I never told him any of this stuff about her. I am just surprised she doesnt know any better than to do her nails and lipstick, leaf through a catalog or stare out the window while a patient is talking. How could she think this is the right thing to do? All with a big 'ol desk between her and her patient.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))))
I think it's really normal for trauma memories to come up in really disorganized, confusing fragments. That is part of the work actually....letting it come up how it comes up, and gradually, over time, piecing all of those little fragments together into a narrative that makes sense and that you can understand and integrate as PART of your life story.

Really? I didnt know that. OK. Well, that makes sense to me. I have only fragments and vague memories so far. I dont think I could tell a linear story of my childhood. I dont remember what happened and what I do remember I dont know how to describe. yuck.

I did have fewer memories before I brought things up with dt. I remembered quite a bit while with her. Also, which was important for me, I took the way I treated by my father as "normal." I felt shame and had a secret fear that it wasnt quite right, but he was always that way to me. I tried to ignore it. I do wish I had been able to say something to somebody sooner.

With the traumas that I have really pretty much worked through from beginning to end, they started out as flashbacks and fragments, and over time, became a story with a beginning AND AN END. The brain doesn't store trauma in the same way that it stores other memories. Part of the healing is getting the memories out of that "trauma" way of remembering them. So, bring the memories up HOWEVER they come up. It's not your job to try to package them all neatly...that is something that will come later, with T. The important thing is to start getting them OUT of your head, to stop being all alone with them.

Oh.....I didnt know that either. How does the brain store trauma memories? What is the trauma way of remembering them? Sorry if these are the "duh" kinds of questions....
Yes- that is the way it is now. In my head and making me feel alone and afraid of my own shadow. I do wish they were packaged neatly...but they are very much not packaged at all.

Can you tell ftt that you are scared of talking about the trauma stuff, partly because of how desk t reacted? Maybe you need some reassurance about how ftt will handle this stuff.

Yes- I am going to do that. First thing to start with.

Before I talked about certain things with T (especially the CSA) I asked him lots and lots and lots and LOTS of questions. I asked him to tell me how it went with his other clients. I asked him to tell me stories of people who had healed. I asked him how he feels when he hears the stories. I asked him every single thing I felt like I needed to know, no matter how silly or irrelevant it seemed. Later, T said I was "brilliant" because I was setting everything up in such a way that I would KNOW I was safe and I would be as successful as possible. It is okay to ask any questions you need to ask, and talk about any fears you need to talk about, before you delve into the hard stuff. The hard stuff will still be there; the most important thing is that you feel really, truly safe when you start talking about it.

That is a really good idea. I will feel safer once I ask as many questions as I have. OK.

Hang in there, bluemoon. You are working hard

Thanks, Tree

[BlueMoon6]

Tree- Can I ask you, what other questions did you ask?

I am thinking about what to ask ftt. Like: What do we do for trauma work? What if I dont remember? I REALLY want to know what ftt feels like when she hears stories. What did your t say he feels like?
Id like to know if she ever experienced trauma...or an ED (might as well ask anything...as long as Im on a roll...). What did she do with other clients is a good one. But...I know I have said this before, I dont know her as well as you know your t. How far into working with him did you get to trauma work.
What did you do for trauma work? What if I feel overwhelmed? Im afraid of feeling like I should just shut up and not say anything else. I will feel very guilty and think I had a very nice childhood and what could I be complaining about? UGH!

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Tree- Can I ask you, what other questions did you ask?

I am thinking about what to ask ftt. Like: What do we do for trauma work? What if I dont remember? I REALLY want to know what ftt feels like when she hears stories. What did your t say he feels like?
Id like to know if she ever experienced trauma...or an ED (might as well ask anything...as long as Im on a roll...). What did she do with other clients is a good one. But...I know I have said this before, I dont know her as well as you know your t. How far into working with him did you get to trauma work.
What did you do for trauma work? What if I feel overwhelmed? Im afraid of feeling like I should just shut up and not say anything else. I will feel very guilty and think I had a very nice childhood and what could I be complaining about? UGH!

(((((((((((((((((((((Moon!!)))))))))))))))))

Well, I'll start at the end of what you wrote. About "what could I be complaining about". My journals from the beginning of T say things like "I know T wishes I would shut up and stop complaining" and "I know T thinks none of this is a bid deal and wishes I would just go away". NOTHING could be farther from the truth. Those were the things *I* thought, because I had been trained to think that way. T helped me see that the things that happened to me really were a Big Deal (or they wouldn't be haunting me all these years later). That was hard for me to accept - it tore down a lot of my defenses - but it is what finally allowed me to open up and start healing.

The questions you want to ask ftt are good ones. ANY question you have is a good one. You need to make sure you are safe, and you need to ask what you need to ask to make sure.

I'm trying to remember what else I asked T. I ask T questions a LOT, so it's hard to remember - it's kind of an ongoing thing. I know I asked him if he ever had anything in therapy that he was scared to say, and how that felt and what happened. (he did). I ask him things like what he does when he is overwhelmed with bad feelings. I asked him a few times to tell me stories of clients that he had who had gone through the process and healed. Honestly, I really do ask him ANYTHING I need to, even if it seems silly.

As for how he feels when he hears people's stories. He said that it can be hard. He said that he has to find a balance...because if he lets himself really FEEL what the client is feeling, he won't be any help...he has to be able to keep enough of a distance to guide the client through what they need to go through. He said that self-care is really important for him - he has lots and lots of friends, and a therapist, and he makes sure he takes care of his own issues so that he can be there to help his clients. He has told me that it IS painful to hear the stories, and I know there have been times when he has tried to protect us both from the pain, and those times haven't been good. But he is aware enough to see what he is doing, and to change it.

I don't even know how I can describe trauma work...a lot of it feels really dreamy to me. I guess for me, it involves telling the story as much as I need to. Sometimes it's so hard, and I can only get one or two sentences out in a while session. T and I both follow my lead. Everything we work through is different. I know that with the rape, I told him what I could remember, and as I remembered more, I told more. It was very painful and scary. I drew the room it happened in and brought it to him and he sat on the couch and we talked about it - and I felt like he was there with me, that I wasn't alone anymore. We did some visualization stuff - not preplanned, it just kind of happened - of me walking out of that room and leaving the rapist behind and of T and I building a big brick wall to trap him in there forever. It took a long time to work through it, and it wasn't something we did at every appointment. When it was pushing at me, we worked on it, and when it wasn't, we didn't. T said the gosl was for me to have power over it, and for it to not have power over me, and we really did get to that point. I don't have flashbacks anymore, and if it does float into my mind, I really feel like "that's over now" and I can move on (sometimes it's easier than others, but I can pretty much always do it).

I think it looks different for every client and for every trauma. If you listen to your internal wisdom, you will know the right way for YOU to work through the things you need to work through. It won't look exactly like what ANYONE else did to work through their traumas. Even for me, each trauma has a different path towards healing. But we know what we need to do to get to the other side, if we trust ourselves.

to you.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

That was hard for me to accept - it tore down a lot of my defenses - but it is what finally allowed me to open up and start healing.

I guess that is where I should start with ftt. That I feel like there really isnt anything to complain about. I feel exactly the same way. Exactly the way you wrote in your journal.

The questions you want to ask ftt are good ones. ANY question you have is a good one. You need to make sure you are safe, and you need to ask what you need to ask to make sure.

I never realized that untill you posted it. It will make me feel like it is a safe place to talk about how i felt as a child.

I know I asked him if he ever had anything in therapy that he was scared to say, and how that felt and what happened. (he did). I ask him things like what he does when he is overwhelmed with bad feelings. I asked him a few times to tell me stories of clients that he had who had gone through the process and healed. Honestly, I really do ask him ANYTHING I need to, even if it seems silly.

I want to do that. I SO wanted to ask dt so many questions. When I read this I feel sad about dt. Can you imagine? I am still trying to get that mommy-love from a cold person. I dont know if ftt is in therapy. I want to ask.... I dunno....maybe I will. I am going to write down these questions in my journal to ask her.

As for how he feels when he hears people's stories. He said that it can be hard. He said that he has to find a balance...because if he lets himself really FEEL what the client is feeling, he won't be any help...he has to be able to keep enough of a distance to guide the client through what they need to go through. He said that self-care is really important for him - he has lots and lots of friends, and a therapist, and he makes sure he takes care of his own issues so that he can be there to help his clients. He has told me that it IS painful to hear the stories, and I know there have been times when he has tried to protect us both from the pain, and those times haven't been good. But he is aware enough to see what he is doing, and to change it.

He sounds amazing. I love his calm awareness. I agree that he needs to keep some kind of distance, and Im sure you do, too. I dont want her to feel what Im feeling, but I want her to be with me, maybe feel some too, but be with me and be a strength. Here I am saying this, but when it comes to my mother, I have not been able to access very many feelings. Maybe a brief sadness. I was shut down to her and I still am. I do feel sadnes about my father. And fear toward him. He might actually be the easier parent to work on.

I don't even know how I can describe trauma work...a lot of it feels really dreamy to me. I guess for me, it involves telling the story as much as I need to. Sometimes it's so hard, and I can only get one or two sentences out in a while session. T and I both follow my lead. Everything we work through is different.

Telling the story as much as I need to....I will have to remember the story first. This is starting to sound so hard.,. How do I remember? I guess I can start with what I do remember. As I am typing I have this feeling of dread. I dont want to. I want to just leave it all alone.

I know that with the rape, I told him what I could remember, and as I remembered more, I told more. It was very painful and scary. I drew the room it happened in and brought it to him and he sat on the couch and we talked about it - and I felt like he was there with me, that I wasn't alone anymore. We did some visualization stuff - not preplanned, it just kind of happened - of me walking out of that room and leaving the rapist behind and of T and I building a big brick wall to trap him in there forever. It took a long time to work through it, and it wasn't something we did at every appointment. When it was pushing at me, we worked on it, and when it wasn't, we didn't. T said the gosl was for me to have power over it, and for it to not have power over me, and we really did get to that point. I don't have flashbacks anymore, and if it does float into my mind, I really feel like "that's over now" and I can move on (sometimes it's easier than others, but I can pretty much always do it).

(((((Tree)))) You did some amazing work. You worked hard in such a short period of time. I know you've been with him for 2 yrs, but it can take people much longer than that to get to what you did with the kind of clarity you have. And in the end, the goal is for you to have power over it. And now its over for you. I guess that its the same way with early trauma. I cant imagine that for me, I think if I ever felt like it was over, Id be a different person. Id feel more safe in this world, not get teary over giving love to my children. Id have a stronger center. And feel more confident. I wonder if food will continue to have the power over me that it does. I might feel more comfortable with myself and not need to focus on it.

I think it looks different for every client and for every trauma. If you listen to your internal wisdom, you will know the right way for YOU to work through the things you need to work through. It won't look exactly like what ANYONE else did to work through their traumas. Even for me, each trauma has a different path towards healing. But we know what we need to do to get to the other side, if we trust ourselves.

to you.

Thanks, Tree. It looks like I need to ask on here the "pre-questions." Then the ftt questions in order to feel safe. Trust the process.....deep breath....

[rainbow8]

Tree and others have given you such good advice that I don't really have anything to add except my feeling that you will do fine, BlueMoon! You don't have to do it all at once. Ftt will HELP you talk to her, and make you feel comfortable sharing when you're ready. Don't be afraid!

Blue, I'm so glad that you're liking ftt! When I first started with my T 6 months ago, I found that we were a good fit, and then I was so ready to really dig in and get to work! I got frustrated when we weren't progressing at the rate I wanted, and T picked up on that. But after going full intensity, and then backing off, I'm realizing that I am exactly where I should be right now. Some progress does take time, it can't be forced, especially when some of us take awhile to process everything.

I think everything you mentioned here would make great discussion points for ftt. It's totally normal to be scared of trauma work. You are in control of how fast or slow you go, and you can always change your mind about that. Talk it over more with ftt, and be sure to tell her your experiences and feelings after last week's session - it's important that ftt knows that, so she doesn't push too much to do the trauma work too quickly.