[mixedup_emotions]

I reached out to T today, saying that I've been having a very rough few days with multiple meltdowns, feelings of despair and hopelessness, and resisting strong unhealthy urges...and have been considering the idea of going on temporary disability. I asked how he would suggest me going about doing that.

Instead, he said he wanted to see me today. *sigh*

I don't know that I want to see him when I'm feeling like this, but I know that, of course, it's when I'm feeling this way that I need to see him the most. I hate feeling pathetic, weepy and vulnerable.

I woke up with a lot of anxiety this morning....listening to the loud music and crying on the way in to work. Fighting off the urge to cry while at work....and just not functional.

I've already taken the meds....hoping it would help....so far, not working out.

I don't want anyone at work talking to me....I just want to be invisible.

[mixedup_emotions]

I had to leave work....due to yet another meltdown.

I had a coworker talk to my boss as I was walking out the door. I can't let my job be affected by all this....especially considering my boss hates me to begin with.

[perpetuallysad]

That really sucks to feel that way, I am so sorry. I know the invisible feeling well. I don't really want to kill myself too often (my brother committed suicide when I was 18), but I so often wish I could just disappear.

I hope going to your T will help you feel somewhat better. I'm sending happy thoughts your way.

MUE

I'm so glad that you reached out to T, and that T wants to see you.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I don't know that I want to see him when I'm feeling like this, but I know that, of course, it's when I'm feeling this way that I need to see him the most. I hate feeling pathetic, weepy and vulnerable.

It's only been 4 weeks since I found myself a mess after a rough EMDR session. I couldn't even make it to work, I wasn't able to stop crying. I think it's good that you left work. I did call T, and she got me in to see her that day. It was a very healing session, and what I found was that, even though I hated for T to see me a complete mess, my defenses were already down, and I was able to let it all out for T to see and to help me. I hope you feel so much better after seeing T.

[Sannah]

[BlueMoon6]

((((((MUE)))))
I am very relieved that t wants to see you. Now it is late at night, so you must have seen him. I hope you are OK to post. I want to hear how you are doing.

It is hard to be vulnerable in anyone's presence, even t's, but its good that he knows you and you allow that help.

I also dont think it is a bad thing that you left work. We all need a mental health day now and then, and you deserve to take care of yourself. You needed to go. You have a nice co-worker. See? People do care, very much MUE.

Please let us know how it went today and how you are feeling

[Kiya]

i'm glad you were able to see T...
thinking about "temporary disability" - unless it is something through your work, if you are in the US (i dunno for sure) it takes 3-5 years just to get on it. it is not an emergency thing. just FYI. i am still in that process, waiting for a hearing after my first denial.
thinking about you and hoping you can find some stability soon! hoping t was healing for you! ***hugs***!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....

I am a bit numb today, and I have an excruciating headache. I look a mess and am still on the verge of tears. I had an awful night's sleep, so I will be taking yet another day off. (NOT good because my boss hates me and I've already taken WAY too much time off for one reason or another....But I need it.)

I was a crying mess at T, for the first time. We talked about all the things leading up to my meltdown....and I didn't know where the feelings were coming from.

By the middle of the session, he asked me how Friday was...and that's when I got into the discussion about learning about what my ex tried to do with my neighbor. He pointed out that my ex was unfaithful in a strange kind of way; it was a betrayal. And even though we are not married, it happened when we were married and is a betrayal even now.

It didn't dawn on me that it was THAT that was underlying issue that caused my breakdown. The freezer issue was just the catalyst. And the anger I feel....and the lack of support in real life...and how it relates to my dad.....

And then about how I feel as though I need to be comforted but have no one to turn to....I have family and friends, but I don't seem to go to them.

I wish I could say I felt better after the session. He was so glad that I went in to see him. He says that I am feeling the way he would expect me to feel, after all this.

I spent the rest of the day and night crying.

Funny, all this time, I kept hearing T saying "NO CONTACT" with my husband - (ugh - EX husband) - yet he feels that I need to confront him about this. I told him that I didn't predict him saying that. He said that the anger needs a place to go - and I've spent way too much time burying feelings. So, we need to make a choice - and the choice, for my health, is to confront him. I'm not quite sure how I plan to do that.

Thanks for all of your support. It means the world to me.

[Sannah]

I am glad that you figured out the root of what was bothering you so.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

And then about how I feel as though I need to be comforted but have no one to turn to....I have family and friends, but I don't seem to go to them.

Thick walls for protection get in the way of receiving comfort. This is a dilemma. Been there, done that..........

So what is the latest on confronting your ex??? This does seem weird. Your T keeps telling you how dangerous and unstable he is and then he wants you to confront him?????? How about just a no send letter?????