When T's learn from US

I keep thinking about something T told me at my last session.

I was asking him if it is hard for him to switch gears between clients. I was having a really busy day, and it was hard for me to switch gears to get into "therapy mode" and it made me wonder if sometimes it's hard for T to switch from one client to the next.

He said that sometimes it is hard, if it's been a really hard session, or it the client's issues bumped up against his own issues. He says he takes a few minutes at those times to get regrounded before the next client.

But here's what I keep thinking about...he said that he learned to do that...the regrounding thing..becuase the worst time he ever had switching gears was before one of MY sessions early in therapy. It was our first rupture - T was awful, and I spent the weekend in tears thinking he was trying to get rid of me, etc. I told him how I felt at my next session, and he said that he had been in a meeting right before my session and he hadn't been able to switch gears. He really WAS terrible, and he fully admitted it, and everything ended up being okay.

It was interesting that he brought that up though. Apparently that was a BIG deal to T, and a BIG learning moment. He said that really it was a good thing that it happened, because he is a much better therapist now (lol - glad to help not!).

It seems like we often wonder here if we should bring things up with our T's when they do things that bother us... if I hadn't brought that up, I wonder if T would have recognized his big mistake? I love that he said it made him a better therapist

The other thing is - that session was a HUGE deal to me - kind of a benchmark in my therapy. It is when I really feel like my therapy began...having that big rupture and working through it created a level of closeness between me and T that hadn't been there before. Therapy started to feel different after that. So, I think of that session often as being a big deal. I didn't know it was such a big deal to T too...for a different reason, but still a big deal.

That session was almost TWO YEARS ago! I can't believe it's still so important in both of our minds.

Tree, I love that story! And it does show the importance of us bringing up to our T's issues we have with something T may have said or done that we don't understand or don't like.

About 2 months ago, my T made a comment about our relationship still being new (this was after being with T for 4 months). I was hurt and bothered, so I brought it up at our next session - T explained herself and saw how her comment could be upsetting to me. And then T said that she realized how intense therapy is for me, and how precious it is to me to finally "get real" with someone, that she knows I've been waiting my whole life to do that - T says she sees patients, and she's been in therapy herself, but that I was a good reminder to her that therapy can really be this intense experience. Ever since that session, we've played with the intensity - up and down, trying to find the right fit. T has said again, more than once, how she knows and sees that this is intense and exciting and scary for me. So it feels good, to be able to remind T of something like that, and to maybe think that I got T a little more excited about doing her job.

VERY interesting!
Question: Client comes into a sesison where t is having difficulty swtiching gears. Client needs a lot, and it is intense for the client, but t is off in la-la land, still getting grounded. What is a client to do? I wouldnt want to be there! I have felt this more times with desk-t than I can possibly say. She is preoccupied and distracted, for who knows what reason. Once, in the middle of a sentence, she got a light knock on the door and said "one minute, I have an emergency" and she left the room to take a call? To do something? She didnt return right away. It was more than a couple of minutes. She returned and said, "Dont worry, I'll give you a couple of extra minutes at the end." I felt like an obligation. I didnt want to talk after that and felt weird. She never acknowledged that I might have had feelings about that. The other times she has been distracted are not in as obvious a way as in this example, but what does a cliet do? Say, "You seem distracted, are you OK?" Who's the t, who's the client? I guess in a closer t relationship it is more OK to say that.

Anyway, I know its up to me to say how I feel, and she cant read my mind, but this is a good example of where a t can be more sensitive to what a client MAY be feeling. And it ties in with this thing about a t swtiching gears and being preoccupied in a session. What should we do? What should t do? Say, "Im sorry, Ms. Client, I cant be completely with ya right now, Im having a moment of distraction." Im talking about when they arent fully aware of the effect it has on us, not like Tree's t that (after his learning experience) he that grounds himself well now.
Do you know what I mean?

Thanks for the giggle! Id feel the same!

I think it is good to bring things up, especially if they are a pattern. If the T does a certain thing once or twice, I don't dwell on it, but if it happens regularly, then I am more apt to want to discuss it. So if my T were pre-occupied often, I would probably think something big was going on in his life, and I would probably ask him about it. There was one time I told him that something he did bothered me, and he said, "thank you for telling me that." He seemed very sincere and not at all defensive. And he stopped doing it. But it is starting to manifest in a different form now....

I think it would be really interesting to ask our Ts what have been some of the most memorable sessions (with us) for them. I wonder what my T would say? (I guess I hope he would be able to remember something!) I think it's really cool, treehouse, that the same session was so significant to both you and your T.

I think learning to switch gears and fully be there for the client is something the T gets better at with experience. I heard somewhere once that when searching for a T, try to find one with at least 10 years experience, as by then, they would have had a lot of practice developing skills like that. I'm not sure I agree with this 10 year suggestion (and certainly some Ts don't learn certain things no matter how long they practice), but I can see that many Ts' skills would get better as time passes.

When I was looking for a new t, I kept that rule in mind. I was looking for as much experience as I could find (with all of the other criteria I had in my mind) but, for some reason, I was wondering what exactly does all of the experience bring? Besides the obvious, more experience with different kind of clients. Desk-t, to me, with her 30 yrs of experience, was distracted and burnt out. That is how it seemed. She had had it with this kind of work and didnt care on the deeper level I needed her to.

As I wrote that about dt, I realize that was my mother. She didnt care on the deeper level I needed her to, she didnt want to be a mother and didnt miss and opportunity to tell me so. I just remembered that.

I used to see a wonderful counselor and we had an excellent working relationship. It was very hard when he moved away over three years ago. Different counselors have different policies, and in our case, it was okay if we stayed in touch now and then via email.

Since he left, I've tried to find another counselor, but for a whole host of reasons, it hasn't worked out. I've tried and tried and tried. Part of it is financial, because I'm on a low income. There are other reasons, too, including the fact that I don't have a car. Even though I'm very reliable getting to appointments, many counselors I met weren't willing to see me because I'd be coming on public transit! Anyway, in short, I'd tried so many options over the course of the years.

This fall, I contacted my former counselor and tried asking if there might be some way we could resume counseling, maybe by telephone, given the situation. Much to my surprise, he agreed, and we've been meeting that way for a couple of months now! It's been really wonderful. I was so glad to be in touch again, and he said he was, too. One of the things he said when we got back in touch is that he had learned a lot from our working relationship. I know I sure did! I suspect it happens, more than we know.

Take care,
ErinBear

When I had my last T she said that she wanted me to bring up with her anything she did that bothered me. Usually it was my distorted cognitions that went wild, but sometimes not. She said that whenever this happened (which luckily wasn't often) that it helped her to become a better T. For one when we discussed it it allowed her to see how I interpenetrated what she had said or done, giving her insight into our relationship, but it also made sure that she didn't do it again. I was always scared about bringing things up, but she was really supportive any time I did. I think that is what made my work with her one of the best that that I had done becuase I knew (even if I was scared) that I could bring anything up with her.