[zooropa]

I have called T lots of times before, and go through this same struggle each & every time unless it's a scheduled call or for a very specific reason (just to give or get specific info from her, not emotional).

It's trying to decide when to call her, do I really need to call, can't I just deal with my emotions or thoughts on my own?

And also, figuring out what to say when I call, what to say when she picks up the phone or if I have to leave a voice mail.

Part of the anxiety comes from not liking to talk on the phone in the 1st place, but most of it is just feeling like I need to figure out a good reason that I'm calling her now and not 5 mins ago or 5 mins from now, and what to say.

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING:

That said, I'm in a kind of bad place right now, really triggered today & after a couple incidents of SI on Sunday that is on my mind more than ever today. I feel like I've tried all the DBT skills I can & still can't shake the feeling.

I don't know, I'm just all messed up in my head & want to reach out to T but then so many times I have ended up feeling worse after calling her. Don't know why I keep trying, really, except I want to trust her & I want her to help me & ****, I want her to know that I'm hurting.

[jen29]

Zooropa,
I feel as if I am in the same spot. I really NEED to talk to someone and my T is the only one who really understand me. But I know the struggle of making that decision. I say call her, especially if you have a thoughts of SI or other harming thoughts.
I really hope that you can talk to someone...If you need to PM me anytime and I will be there for you when I am on-line.
Take care,
Hugs,
jen

Zooropa, I don't call my T but we do use email between sessions. I always used to be worried that I was bothering her by emailing, and there got to be a point where I really wanted to set boundaries around it -- I made her promise to tell me if the emailing got to be too much. Are you concerned about what your T's policy is on calls? Is she open to them, or are they only for emergencies? (I feel lucky that I can email for between session connection -- I think it would be hard to feel like I was only allowed to contact her during an emergency, but I think some T's do have this policy.) Maybe you could talk about how she feels about calls during your next session?

The other thought I had refers to you saying you often feel worse after calling her. I think you're on the right track in trying to analyze what it is you want from her during the call. Maybe once you're clear about that, there will be less chance of disappointment leaving you feeling worse? Maybe during session you can talk to her about what it is you want from her during these moments -- it might help you understand yourself better as well as give you the chance to discuss what she can and can't do during a call.

If you feel like you need to connect with her or at least tell her how you're doing, and she has been OK with this type of call in the past, I would think, go ahead and call her this time, and then maybe during session you can clarify a little more about future phone contact?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by jen29

Zooropa,
I feel as if I am in the same spot. I really NEED to talk to someone and my T is the only one who really understand me. But I know the struggle of making that decision. I say call her, especially if you have a thoughts of SI or other harming thoughts.
I really hope that you can talk to someone...If you need to PM me anytime and I will be there for you when I am on-line.
Take care,
Hugs,
jen

thank you! I did some journaling & figured out part of the reason I want to call her is that she's the only person in my life that I can talk about SI with without worrying about her judging me or freaking her out like it would if I just called a friend.

Also, it's part of the whole DBT thing, to call your T before you SI, so it's kind of ingrained in me after a year of DBT, but that doesn't make it any easier to push "talk" on the phone.

Originally Posted by notme9

Are you concerned about what your T's policy is on calls? Is she open to them, or are they only for emergencies?

The other thought I had refers to you saying you often feel worse after calling her. I think you're on the right track in trying to analyze what it is you want from her during the call. Maybe once you're clear about that, there will be less chance of disappointment leaving you feeling worse? Maybe during session you can talk to her about what it is you want from her during these moments -- it might help you understand yourself better as well as give you the chance to discuss what she can and can't do during a call.

she's pretty much available 24/7 on the phone, in theory anyway. There are many, many times I have called her & had to leave a message, of course, and a lot of those times she has not returned my call, which has really broken the trust I have in her, even though she always has a good reason the next time we talk.

It just leaves me wondering if she is just not wanting me to call & that's why she doesn't return the calls, if she's trying to negatively reinforce my calling so I'll do it less without her having to TELL me to do it less. Because every time we've talked she's said to please keep callling her, that she'll do better about not losing her phone/forgetting to call/checking her voicemail, etc etc etc.

But you are very right, notme, that I should really look at what I'm expecting or wanting from her that I'm obviously not getting, because so often when I do talk to her on the phone, when we hang up I end up throwing my phone down & breaking down in tears if I'm not already crying.

After a year of seeing T, and calling her fairly frequently in the past 6 mos, I pretty much know what to expect from her on the phone & whatever that is, it's not meeting my needs, but I keep calling anyway.

It's probably some transference ******** from my mother, always wanting her love & approval. gag.

well this has certainly got me thinking, which is a good distraction from the thoughts of SI, so thank you.

[zooropa]

so anyway. I called T last night about 8:30. Left her a message, still no call back. Sometimes the waiting for her call back is worse than whatever was going on before, but it's a distraction, too, I guess.

Be sure when you want a call back, that you specifically ask for a call back. Otherwise, she might think you are just calling to vent.

[zooropa]

T did call me back this morning, of course I was out walking the dog so I missed the call
I called her & we talked for a bit, it was good. Difficult. I got enough courage to ask her something I have been wanting to ask for a long time, but have been afraid. I asked if she thought I'd ever be free of the nightmares. In a nutshell, she said yes. And if I can't believe that right now, to let her believe it for me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

T did call me back this morning, of course I was out walking the dog so I missed the call
I called her & we talked for a bit, it was good. Difficult. I got enough courage to ask her something I have been wanting to ask for a long time, but have been afraid. I asked if she thought I'd ever be free of the nightmares. In a nutshell, she said yes. And if I can't believe that right now, to let her believe it for me.

I'm so glad you brought yourself to call T and got a call back that turned into a productive conversation. I go through the same torture of trying to decide whether to "bother" my T outside of a scheduled session, being uncomfortable talking on the phone...and then leaving a message and waiting on pins and needles for a call back. I too wonder whether the torturous feelings are all worth it....I'm glad it worked out for you this time!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm so glad you brought yourself to call T and got a call back that turned into a productive conversation. I go through the same torture of trying to decide whether to "bother" my T outside of a scheduled session, being uncomfortable talking on the phone...and then leaving a message and waiting on pins and needles for a call back. I too wonder whether the torturous feelings are all worth it....I'm glad it worked out for you this time!

thank you!
It somehow helps to know that I'm not the only one who can get so wrapped in how/when/why to call T, and I have many times described the whole thing as torturous, too. I was relieved that today I felt something of a connection with her over the phone, sometimes that's not at all the case.

And some things are easier for me to say on the phone, when she's not there *looking* at me, so I'm trying to slip those little things in when I get the chance, too.

but mostly the hardest part is just being willing to trust, again and again and again, when everything in me says TRUST NO ONE.