Resilience and Reconstituting

I am coming out of a depression crash. As I peek out into the world again I notice my view has changed. When I look in the mirror I see a stronger person; someone who can now acknowledge her weaknesses and admit her fragile side. I am resilient and it is that character trait that I call upon when I am in the depths of despair. But when I am "in it" I can't see or feel the resilience--and that very word seems foreign to me. But today I feel it. T says that when I reconstitute after these crashes I come back stronger. Whew! But I think this is part of the integration of the fragile self. I always went through life thinking I was just as tough as nails, that nothing could bother me, or break me. Now I know that is because I was broken--it was a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of disintegration or the act of dissociation.

It is through the relationship that I heal, and I am most grateful for it. I never thought I needed anyone, but now I know that we cannot do it alone. We are social beings. It's funny because yesterday in session I was so full of hope and gratitude while last week when I was still quite depressed, I was avoiding T big time. I was even playing with my cell phone in session, pretending to look for something to show him. Oy.

I hope this recovery lasts a while.

Welcome back, MissC! You were missed! So glad you are on the other side now. What wonderful insights you've had, very powerful. I hope this lasts a long, long while for you!!!

Its good to see you, Miss C. I see a lot of resilience in your post. I can relate to integrating the fragile part of yourself as something that strengthens you. The more in touch I am with the sadder, more fragile parts of myself, somehow the more whole and stronger I feel.

I do hope this recovery lasts a while for you

I'm slowly getting this message too. Parts of me have embraced this concept but... some other parts have not. This week I told my T that one minute I feel security attached and connected to people and GOD, then a second later a shift occurs and I feel like I am alone and rioting in hell with no chance of escape. I've posted about the profound experience my inner child (and me I guess) recently had. It was through an interaction/relationship with another that I had this experience. I agree with your comment that healing cannot be done alone. We might need to be the main force working to bring it into being, but it comes from making connections with others.

Healing is odd, isn't it? Hugs to you =) "I always went through life thinking I was just as tough as nails, that nothing could bother me, or break me. Now I know that is because I was broken--it was a knee-jerk reaction to the threat of disintegration or the act of dissociation. " I resonate with this - with every word.

Wow! That is awesome!

I am trying to get out of a pretty bad depression crash and am coming out of it more angry than I've ever been. Still trying to figure out what's going on....

Your post gives me hope....

What I think is ironic is ... to be tough as nails, independent, not need anyone or anything... these were things I was taught were what important--this is what it meant to be an adult! Now it is like my T is telling me NO, your supposed to let people in, accept and ask for help, its OK to want to be held. Its a totally different reality.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Good to see you again.

Hi everybody,

Thanks for your comments & support. I am still feeling pretty ok. T-relationship is always so complicated. Sometimes I just can't BELIEVE the things I say especially when I put my brain on rewind and I think, "I said that?" OMG For example, I was explaining something to T the other day about behavior of others and I actually used the term "BLOWJOB!" And he used the word, "debauchery." WTF? I started laughing and said, who uses that word?

Chaotic--PERFECT description of the up and down paradox.
Kiya--yeah I am just now realizing that the disintegration and dissociation is a defense. I never believed that before. Ugh.

((googley,BlueMoon--THANKS!!))

Bwahahahaha!!! OMG, that is too funny! I am not so comfortable talking to T about a-hem stuff like that...but one session, I told him that I had wanted to be intimate with my soon-to-be-ex-husband-at-the-time. I gave it some real thought to figure out why I wanted that and said that I knew it wasn't for sexual gratification because I don't need a man for that - - OMG, I SAID that? - then proceeded to say that what I really wanted was to give my husband oral sex. I explored that further, explaining that it was the sense of being in control, feeling wanted, having value, knowing that it was pleasurable for someone, not having to deal with the issues of not wanting to be touched, etc.

Good lord, how did I even do that? Yet, I struggle with the idea of dealing with certain sexual issues with T....like talking to T about me "not wanting to be touched" issues....the CSA....etc.

That rioting is quite exhausting sometimes, isn't it?