[moonrise]

I'd rather have a hard session than unproductive, feeling like T just doesn't get it. I hate leaving feeling like I wasted my time. How can one week I feel so understood, and the next one feel like she totally doesn't get what's going on?

Last week was so awesome. I felt like she finally understood. This week, not the case. I'm sad, I'm frustrated, and I just want to run away and not go back.

Thing is, looking back and remembering my old T, I used to feel the same thing about her, how one week she 'got me' and the next I felt like she didn't.

How do I stop this? How can I realistically get through a session, honestly understanding what's going on?

moonrise Sorry you had a yucky session.

Do you realize in the moment that there's a disconnect between you and T, or after you leave? I take awhile to process a session usually, so I always have to bring it up at the next session if there's some misunderstanding. T has tried to get me to do it when it happens, but I really struggle with that. Have you brought up to your T how you're feeling?

[sw628]

I completely understand how you feel. I feel like i've had a string of bad sessions. Things were going so well 2 weeks ago and I sent T that email. Things have been downhill since then. I've felt so guilty but i know my anger was justified. Your sessions will be better soon. Therapy is just like a rollercoaster. You going to have highs and lows Hang in there and know that T still cares about you deeply.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Therapy is an up and down process and T's do eventually disappoint us one way or another. I think you should talk to her about this, it can be good therapeutic work.

[darkrunner]

I agree with Exotic, that this is something you should bring up with T.

I think it is normal to have sessions like that. Sometimes therapy, and healing, can be one step forward and two steps back (or 3 or 4......)
It is ok to have those feelings of frustration.
(((((Moonrise)))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by moonrise

How can one week I feel so understood, and the next one feel like she totally doesn't get what's going on?

Are you communicating well in your sessions? When the T doesn't understand what is going on with us, the best we can do is try to explain better and give feedback. "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is...." Then you give your explanation again. Then the T should restate what you said so that you can see if they understood this time. Hopefully, they are closer in understanding, but if they still don't completely understand, you can say, "no, that's still not quite it, what I mean is..." And keep doing this cycle until they really understand. I have been through this cycle sometimes 4 times in a row with my T and when he finally gets it, it is so great! We both feel a little moment of triumph and are so glad we stuck with it. Other times, he does get immediately what I mean, and it is great to feel he is on the same wavelength, but sometimes that doesn't happen at every session, and when it doesn't, we have to use our communication skills even more.

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Are you communicating well in your sessions? When the T doesn't understand what is going on with us, the best we can do is try to explain better and give feedback. "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is...." Then you give your explanation again. Then the T should restate what you said so that you can see if they understood this time. Hopefully, they are closer in understanding, but if they still don't completely understand, you can say, "no, that's still not quite it, what I mean is..." And keep doing this cycle until they really understand. I have been through this cycle sometimes 4 times in a row with my T and when he finally gets it, it is so great! We both feel a little moment of triumph and are so glad we stuck with it. Other times, he does get immediately what I mean, and it is great to feel he is on the same wavelength, but sometimes that doesn't happen at every session, and when it doesn't, we have to use our communication skills even more.

You've hit it on the nose, sunrise. I don't communicate very well, and I have a hard time expressing to T that she doesn't quite get it. Or she'll appear to get it, but the more she talks, the less I believe she gets it. There have been some times when I've been able to clarify things and it worked really well, but sometimes I just **feel** misunderstood, and it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't take responsibility for talking about it. I mean, T's are supposed to be gods, right? And mind readers? Actually, I don't think I'd like the mind reading bit much....

[BlueMoon6]

Moon- I also have had a difficult time expressing to a T that I was misunderstood. Its as if I feel like I shouldnt say anything because she is trying to understand and I dont want to hurt her feelings Or something. I feel ???guilty??? telling a T that it wasnt what I meant or that isnt correct. Its as if I somehow feel I dont deserve to be completely understood. Good enough is good enough. I settle. But this is not what Im there for, not matter how difficult it is for me, I am doing whatever clarifying I need to now. It is SO out of my comfort zone, but I struggle through because I want to be authentic and not hide behind my T not getting it.

[mightaswelllive]

Ugh!!!!! I read this thread and I just knew it was going to happen to me. I had SUCH a good session last week and I had this big deal thing I needed to talk about this week (today) and all week I've been worrying about it but keeping in mind that it would be fine. Anyway, yesterday I had a meltdown and I get to therapy today and we have to talk about that crap instead of what I needed to talk about and I'm so panicked the whole time and disconnected and it was just crap crap crap. I even left early. Worst session yet. I ended up having to schedule another session for Friday.

Anyway, point is, I totally feel your pain.

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by mightaswelllive

Ugh!!!!! I read this thread and I just knew it was going to happen to me. I had SUCH a good session last week and I had this big deal thing I needed to talk about this week (today) and all week I've been worrying about it but keeping in mind that it would be fine. Anyway, yesterday I had a meltdown and I get to therapy today and we have to talk about that crap instead of what I needed to talk about and I'm so panicked the whole time and disconnected and it was just crap crap crap. I even left early. Worst session yet. I ended up having to schedule another session for Friday.

Anyway, point is, I totally feel your pain.

I'm so sorry, mightaswell. The only thing that makes me feel better is that usually after a crap session, the next one is better. I mean, really, how much worse could it be?

[moonrise]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Moon- I also have had a difficult time expressing to a T that I was misunderstood. Its as if I feel like I shouldnt say anything because she is trying to understand and I dont want to hurt her feelings Or something. I feel ???guilty??? telling a T that it wasnt what I meant or that isnt correct. Its as if I somehow feel I dont deserve to be completely understood. Good enough is good enough. I settle. But this is not what Im there for, not matter how difficult it is for me, I am doing whatever clarifying I need to now. It is SO out of my comfort zone, but I struggle through because I want to be authentic and not hide behind my T not getting it.

You just expressed *me* better than I could - how is that possible?

I do settle. All.the.time. I aim to be the perfect patient, of course! Which is really not the way I will get better. I think I focus so much on pleasing T that I can't articulate what's going on.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by moonrise

I aim to be the perfect patient, of course! Which is really not the way I will get better.

Maybe you can think of the perfect patient as one who helps T understand what is going on with you and uses communication skills to aid T when at first she does not get it. I think that will indeed help you get better. If you think your communication skills are not up to snuff, that could be something you work on with T soon, as it will aid later progress greatly. I know, this is way easier said then done, but recognizing it is within your power to make communication better is a great place to be--you can change things, make therapy better, etc. Of course, your T has to be a good communicator too for this to work...

[zooropa]

this thread was an eye opener for me, like so many are on this board especially. I realized that in the year I've been seeing my T for weekly sessions, I've never said to her "no, that's not what I meant". It's like I almost expect her to be right, because she's the T after all so she's the "expert" in the room, and I'm the "crazy" one. So I have never corrected her. I just let it go. Without even realizing it, until now. And that has led to a LOT of frustration afterwards on my part, feeling misunderstood & in some cases disbelieved when all along I could have made it so much easier by being more present in session and being willing to really TRY to explain my thoughts and feelings.

Because my T may be the one with who's the expert in THERAPY (having the education & 20 yrs of experience), but I'm the one who's the expert on ME, right?

Zooropa, you make an excellent point. I'm guilty of not correcting my t also. Sometimes I'm not exactly sure what I mean to say and he tries to fill in the blank. I agree with him sometimes, even though what he is saying doesn't ring quite right. I've gotten better about it over time. Now I've learned to tell him, "No, that's not it." He really is pleased when I do that. That means I'm thinking.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by zooropa

this thread was an eye opener for me, like so many are on this board especially. I realized that in the year I've been seeing my T for weekly sessions, I've never said to her "no, that's not what I meant". It's like I almost expect her to be right, because she's the T after all so she's the "expert" in the room, and I'm the "crazy" one. So I have never corrected her. I just let it go. Without even realizing it, until now. And that has led to a LOT of frustration afterwards on my part, feeling misunderstood & in some cases disbelieved when all along I could have made it so much easier by being more present in session and being willing to really TRY to explain my thoughts and feelings.

Because my T may be the one with who's the expert in THERAPY (having the education & 20 yrs of experience), but I'm the one who's the expert on ME, right?

Whoo hoo, you get it!!!!!

My T has told me a number of times that he will try to sum up what I have just told him as it is a way to communicate to me that he has understand me. And he told me this gives me a chance to let him know he did not sum up quite right. It is not about questioning T's ability as an expert on therapy and human relations. Summing up is a skill that we are all supposed to learn in school (sometimes verbal, sometimes written). You listen or read a passage or book or lecture and then you write a paragraph summary. It's nothing special. Zooropa, T will be very glad if you help him tweak his summaries until they match what you think and feel. Sometimes this communication can really help the client clarify what they actually do mean. The client may give incomplete information or be unable to interpret events. So the T gives his "summary" the best shot he can, and may fill in blanks, make assumptions, etc. When the client hears the summary, he can usually tell if this is how things are with him or not, and can tell the T, "no I don't mean quite that." But if the client had to provide the summation/interpretion himself at the beginning, he might not have been able to do that. So the iterative cycles of summation and "correcting" can help the client better understand himself/herself.

[zooropa]

yes, I can see how that back-and-forth would be very useful, as each side works to come closer to understanding the other. I'm going to work on this in my sessions from now on, if I can remember in the heat of the moment. Sometimes there is so much going on, so much emotion & so many thoughts racing through my head, that it's hard to even know what I'm saying, but I'm going to try.

[skeksi]

I find that I feel very uncomfortable going back in the week after a good, connected session. Part of me is embarrassed I was so open in the previous session, and another part of me is glad I was and wants to get there again but doesn't know what to say or do to make that happen. For me, the result is intense frustration with myself (and sometimes with T for not being a mindreader, lol).