[Kiya]

This whole T thing. I just don't get it. Why can't she hear what I am saying? I've written it, I've told her, I've emailed it (that I have actually accomplished a lot in the past 2 years). I've even brought in supportive evidence (Scholarly Journals) that say how long the DID healing process works.

In the context of talking about my future, t used the terms 'mentally ill' in regard to me. she's never done that before. I've never even heard her use those terms in public settings. Then she said that she does not have the expertise to deal with my DID system. This is where we started crying. She wants to find a DID specialist for me to work with. But she does know how devastated we'd be with termination and said "I WANT you all to hear that I DO want to continue seeing you weekly." It was still a blow regardless. *cries*

((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))

How strange - I went to bed thinking about you last night, wondering how you are doing...

It sounds like T cares and is committed to continuing to work with you...and she wants to ADD someone to your team. I know that even that can feel really yucky - my T mentioned a support group ONCE for women who shared some of my experiences, and it totally freaked me out and I asked him to never mention it again. Although, at this point in my healing, I think I would like it... at the time, it sounded scary, and like having to tell my story again, and like I was "too much" for T. Being "too much" is one of my big fears.

I wish I had some words of widsom to soothe you. I will say that from the outside looking in, it seems like T *is* hearing you, DID is a big deal and it takes a long time to heal. And it sounds like T knows her own limitations and wants to do what it takes to help you get better. It doesn't mean you are doing a bad job, or that your issues are too big, or any other bad thing. It means that T cares and really, really wants you - ALL of you - to get the help that you need. Along WITH T.

Sometimes, if I let myself go there, I have moments of "OMG, I have DID" and "OMG, I can't believe that those things happened to me"...like, I just want to have had a normal childhood, and I just want to be healed and whole, and I don't want to do all of this WORK. I wonder if this is one of those moments for you? It just seems overwhelming and discouraging and unfair sometimes. And it's okay to stop and see that and feel that...and then we keep moving forward. Healing has moments of peace and beauty...and moments of "wow, this just SUCKS". Maybe this is one of the "this sucks" moments.

Sending lots and lots and lots of and . PM me if you need to, okay??

I think she does hear what you are saying and she is feeling a bit under-qualified to work on this. I would give her a lot of credit for admitting that and trying to find someone to work with you who knows more about it.

[Kiya]

Yeah... cognitively i know that she wants the best for me. Emotionally the internals are ready to cut their losses and run. things that never occured to me (consciously) are popping up in the mind; like we can't trust others, they'll just stab us in the back... everyone leaves us eventually.
Feeling worthless and ... like an animal watching for the next boot kick.
I know that is all stupid thinking. but there it is.
Tree - that is also my fear; being too much for others. I have no needs - i can take care of myself. What point is it to have others "care" for me if I am then too much and they leave? rather have nothing and take care of self than have some care and have it taken away.

[zooropa]

it sounds to me like she wants to add another T, someone who specializes in DID, but still keep seeing you herself, too. I can definitely understand how it feels to have those abandonment & rejection triggers hit. It feels like crap! I'm sorry.

eta: just wanted to let you know, I can also relate to the feeling of being too high maintenance for everyone, that nobody will stay around me or in my life because it's too much work, that I don't have the right to ask for anything or the right to have needs. I know how ****** that feels, and I hope you can know on some level that it IS ok for you to have needs and to ask for and receive help.

[moonrise]

Kiya, I went through a similar situation with my old T, whom I felt very close and attached to. At first she said she wanted to get someone else involved, which felt bad. But then it turned out that this person would not work with the three of us or T, just me, and that was awful. It meant I had to stop seeing T and see a new one.

I think it's been for the best, because some of my symptoms freaked old T out, and she just didn't know how best to deal with me. New T is different, but she knows her stuff. I feel confident in her ability to handle my illness.

I still email old T from time to time. I miss her dearly, but I know she wants what's best for me.

[chaotic13]

(((Kiya))) I have no helpful insight so..just wanted send you some ((hugs)) sounds very difficult.

[sunrise]

I think the two issues about "T doesn't give me any credit for the progress I've made" and "T wants me to get help from a specialist" could be separated. I think if T gave you credit for the progress you've made, you would feel better, like she was acknowledging your efforts and successes. That might make this situation less frustrating for you. Even if you've made some progress, perhaps you could still benefit from a DID specialist. I can see that T not acknowledging that you have accomplished anything in the last 2 years would be hurtful and disenfranchising. I felt really sad when I pictured you having to bring in evidence to support your case that you have made some progress--like an attorney in a court room. And T was the judge and did not allow the evidence. Do you think your T really feels you have made no progress in 2 years? Could it be a misunderstanding? If you asked her to clarify, might it be helpful? What if you said, "Even though you want more for me, I need you to give me credit for the progress that I have made", what do you think she would say?

Kiya, just wanted to give you hugs.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by sunrise

What if you said, "Even though you want more for me, I need you to give me credit for the progress that I have made", what do you think she would say?

I like it - thanks Sunrise. I think you've got all of that right on the money.

Moonrise- yep -that is what I am fearing, all of it. That T is phasing me out. Maybe it is for the best, but omg it hurts, even now.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I can also relate to the feeling of being too high maintenance for everyone, that nobody will stay around me or in my life because it's too much work, that I don't have the right to ask for anything or the right to have needs. I know how ****** that feels, and I hope you can know on some level that it IS ok for you to have needs and to ask for and receive help.

yep - again right on the nose. that is it exactly; like i have no right to ask anything. T sees me for free and adds an extra hour to her night and tells me that she wants more for me and that it would be easier for her if she didn't because she wouldn't have to work so hard. What do i say to all of that?!

wow - i gotta go think about all this.

[zooropa]

I think sunrise has made an excellent point & has a great idea there: how about asking T to describe for you what progress she feels you've made since you began seeing her? This is something I've been meaning to ask my T for the last couple of weeks & keep chickening out, maybe we can make a deal? I'll ask my T if you ask yours??

[Kiya]

Zoo - sure, if i can remember. i'll have to write it on my hand. wanna remind me in 4 days rofl?? i keep forgetting she even exists off an on. tho i did want to tell her earlier that when my old stalker called me up and then texted me, i told him i don't want to hear from him again. i've been ignorning him for 4 years. so that HAS to be progress. right????
Let's ask zoo- you're on. =)

[zooropa]

awesome! I will try to remember to remind you, kiya, what day do you have T? I have mine on Tues. I use a diary card that I turn into my T every week, and I've been thinking of writing that question on it so I won't be able to "forget" (as in, chicken out!). Because I'd really, really like to know her answer to the question, to know how she thinks I've changed & progressed in the last year. Taking a gamble, of course, that she'll a)agree to answer and b) that she thinks I HAVE changed & progressed. If she doesn't see that, though? Time for me to go T shopping

[Kiya]

oh i like the diary card thing. aka no chickening out. mine is wed. and yeah i had already forgotten AGAIN. lol. every session she starts out with "what do you need from me this week" and i never know. wed i need to say "i need to KNOW that you have seen me progress. I need to HEAR YOU say it and ACKNOWLEDGE my accomplishments. or at least acknowledge that you HEARD me when i listed what i have accomplished!" i should probalby print that. rofl.

[sunrise]

Kiya, it might also be interesting to hear if she has observed accomplishments that you have not listed. Sometimes the therapist can see things that we cannot.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Kiya

oh i like the diary card thing. aka no chickening out. mine is wed. and yeah i had already forgotten AGAIN. lol. every session she starts out with "what do you need from me this week" and i never know. wed i need to say "i need to KNOW that you have seen me progress. I need to HEAR YOU say it and ACKNOWLEDGE my accomplishments. or at least acknowledge that you HEARD me when i listed what i have accomplished!" i should probalby print that. rofl.

that sounds great, actually! Maybe you really should print that out, or just write it down and bring it with you!

I see my T tomorrow, I'm going to ask her something like "can you tell me how you think I've changed over the last year?" although progressed might be a better word than changed. I'm also going to try to open a dialogue with her about my trust issues as in, I need to feel like she believes me when I tell her things from my past before we can proceed with trauma work. I have a feeling it's going to be kind of a rough session tomorrow.

[Kiya]

Well, today is D day for you... or T day dunno what time T is for you. Hope it goes well and that you get from it what you are looking to get. Mine is tomorrow night, and actually I'm sick as all get out with a bad head cold. Had it since Friday. So I may have to cancel. I haven't taken any work this week, but am already scheduled for tomorrow. *sigh*. I'm fairly sure T doesn't want my cold. Maybe I'll be miracoulsy (sp) better tomorrow.

[zooropa]

Kiya, are you feeling better? Hope so, and that you don't have to miss your session. I had mine yesterday, I'm still processing it but it was good! I'm going to post a thread about it so I won't bore you with the details here.

I didn't ask the specific question you and I talked about, though, I just ran out of time. You know how that is! I really REALLY want to ask that, though, so maybe next week. This is the 3rd week in a row I've said that, lol!

[Kiya]

I'm rather dreading tonight... I don't want to ask that question. I don't even want to talk about anything.
((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))

[zooropa]

Kiya, I so totally know how you're feeling. I know the feeling of not wanting to talk about anything. I also know the feeling of leaving there wishing I had said things I didn't say. I hope you are able to break through that, at least a little bit, and that you leave your session feeling a little bit (or a lot!) better than you went in.

[Kiya]

leaving in 8 min.... wish me luck (thanks for the pep!)

[zooropa]

{{{kiya}}} I hope it went well, let us know!!

[Kiya]

oh yeah huh.
heh.
well... like you, i ran out of time. i had some good updates to share with her... then we talkd some about dissociation and alters (which always swaps me out) and i stayed swapped fo some time. then when she got me back, i finally remembered right at the end to say it and so she said we'd start with that next time. she also told me she'd be out of town for a lot of dec and/or jan. *sigh*.
thanks for asking and reminding me =)

[zooropa]

kiya, good job asking your T, that's great! it gives her a chance to think about her answer, probably a good thing. I'm sorry she's going to be gone a lot of Dec and Jan, I just found out my T is going out of town around xmas and it kind of freaked me out for a minute, and I don't even know if I'll miss any sessions yet, lol. I just feel so fragile right now, don't want anything to upset the apple cart. So I hope your T being gone isn't going to to be too hard on you.
thanks for coming back to update me

[Kiya]

yep - T being out certainly tends to be problematic. and once again, she'll be on the other side of the world from me *sigh*. all these conferences.... doesn't she know she need's a ... a notetaker *ahem* or ummm a.... a field hand!! ?
Well, we'll have to keep each other company. at least we're both in the same timezone.