transference

I've had a lot of experience with transference in T. It tends to go up and down in intensity. After really good sessions, when something has changed for me, I can feel the transference really stir up. I know it's something to accept and work through...but being near the holidays I'm not going to be having a session for a number of weeks.

This might be a silly question or one that is near impossible to answer, but is there any way I can prevent my feeling becoming out of control (as in, getting to the point where I cry for my T, can't stop thinking about T etc...)

I'm guessing probably not.......
good timing as always

The fear of not having T for a while is always worse then the actual thing...there is no easy way to deal with this but there are things that you can do, ie journal how your feeling...keep busy...or as T says, as painful as these feelings are, they need to be felt....wish I could say something else, but this is just my experience over the yrs with T...

My T also would say to just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, even though it's painful....although it wasn't transference that we were talking about, but he feels that way in general about feelings.

Usually it comes in waves, I find....so, just getting through the wave, feeling it and trying to understand it....hard to do.

I remember feeling very anxious when I was going to go 3 weeks without seeing my T...In the beginning, I had such a hard time with it, missing him, etc. But it ended up not being nearly as bad as I expected.....the reconnecting was more difficult. Still working on that.

((((((((((((((((lily))))))))))))))))))

Lately, when I have been wanting T, I've been asking myself what it is that I get from T that I am missing, and I try to see if I can find that in my life somewhere.

If it's some quiet time to be with myself, I might try to find a place to be alone and read a spiritual book. If it's someone to listen and hear me, I might post here. If it's connection, I might call a friend or hang out with H.

If none of that works, sometimes I will write an e-mail to T that I don't send. Or an e-mail that I DO send (I don't know if your T allows e-mails)...

None of those are "perfect" solutions, but sometimes it's good enough to help me get through.

Missing T is painful. to you...

This is a brilliant idea!

(((((Lily))))) I wish there were an answer! It's not a silly question at all. It's one I've struggled with in many years of therapy. I've found that I do have some control over my thoughts, and therefore, my feelings. If I start thinking about how much I miss my T, I can feel very bad. Sometimes reading over my journals or papers where I have her words in front of me, helps. Or replaying some of my sessions in my mind-the connected, good ones, of course.

On the other hand, what works best is to get involved in something else, something I feel passionate about, or anything distracting myself from thinking about my T. That's what my T herself suggested that I do when I can't stop thinking about her, or when I can't function after a session. It's not easy, but getting involved in something else usually helps a lot. That doesn't mean I stop missing my T. It just makes the feelings manageable.

It's OK for the therapeutic relationship to be intense. Maybe just remembering that will help you be more relaxed about what you are feeling and reassured that it is OK. The intensity can be healing and draw you closer. I think the really close sessions can make the closeness of the relationship become really near the surface--you are reminded of how close you are--so it is no wonder you devote quite a bit of time thinking about your T.

I've just been reading about the neuroscience of love and it talks about brain activity differences from being in the infatuation phase of love (lasting 6-9 months, according to this source) and then the later more comfortable, at ease phase of love. There are distinct differences in both intensity and location of the brain activity. Maybe the same is true in therapy with your feelings toward your therapist. I know that early in therapy I did have a phase of some months of rather obsessive thinking about my therapist. As time passed, this mellowed into an extended period of great comfort and ease and positive feeling (still ongoing). So there are other phases you may come to yet in the future.

This is a quote about therapy that I really like, and was very reassuring to me about the relationship and how it is much more than transference (sometimes just about all positive feeling toward the therapist is described as transference, and I knew in my heart that did not describe my relationship):

“Long-term therapy of some depth inevitably involves times of warm communion and times of great stress--for both participants. Living through these together has a true bonding effect which is not always recognized by those who teach or practice more objective modes. Nevertheless, therapist and patient often have what can only be called a love relationship, which is by no means simply a product of transference and countertransference. Patient and therapist are two human beings, partners in a difficult, hazardous, and rewarding enterprise; it is unreal to expect otherwise.” (James Bugental, 1987, The art of the psychotherapist).

I don't have much to add as the replies have been really good. They've also been helpful for me too. We break for the holidays at the end of this week for nearly 3 weeks, So I'm a bit worried too. I'm also looking forward to the break. Hope you can relax a bit and try to enjoy the break

x x x x