In my session last Wednesday, T told me that while she sees me as a strong woman, she also thinks of me as being vulnerable and fragile. This really surprised me! I want to ask T more about this in session today. My first thought was that fragile = weak, but then I thought of boxes that are marked 'fragile', which means to handle with care. The idea of T thinking she needs to handle me with care both warms me and worries me a bit. It warms me because I don't feel like many people in my life have handled me with care, and maybe this is because I've always strived to be seen as independent, not needing anyone, and God forbid anyone sees my vulnerable side! But my mother... yelling and hitting me was not handling me with care. So the idea of T thinking of me that way really warms my heart.

It also concerns me a bit, though, because I want T to push me sometimes, and I don't know that she will if she thinks of me as fragile.

I also want to hash out with T tonight that dreaded topic of transference. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings toward T - maternal transference, not erotic transference, but I still feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings as a grown woman. It's all wrapped up in a big ball of shame, but I know I need to talk about it all with T because I can see how it's affecting my progress. Last week, I was afraid to tell T that I didn't want to talk about a topic she brought up because I wanted to please her, be the good patient, and not show resistance. And then when T told me to talk to her in my angry voice, I couldn't do it, even though I was angry at her over a few things - to me, expressing anger leads to the other person getting hurt, and I don't want to hurt T!

So, we have a lot to discuss tonight, and I'm already nervous!

[mixedup_emotions]

I think these are all great things to talk about with T.....Perhaps she can explain more about why she feels you are vulnerable and fragile.

My T sees being fragile as a state of being, usually as a result of feeling overwhelmed....Vulnerability, however, he sees as a result of opening ourselves up in ways that are scary - and it's then when we are least fragile. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself....

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((dream)))))

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T ....Vulnerability, however, he sees as a result of opening ourselves up in ways that are scary - and it's then when we are least fragile.

wooooo, makes no sense to me.

Scariness = fragility in my world.

Session update - it started out great, T said how much she liked my baked goods. She asked questions about two of the kinds I made, and she told me her kids ate the brownies and liked them.

So I asked T why she thinks I'm fragile. T said she does think that she needs to handle me with care, but it's more because she thinks I'm delicate within our relationship, that she can see how I can get hurt very easily and how I have been hurt by her screw-ups (only she used the F word). We talked some about how we've resolved those misunderstandings. I told T that I don't want to express anger toward her because I'm afraid of hurting her - T thinks I'm wanting to protect our relationship because I'm afraid how she'll react to my anger, it's a big scary unknown to me. Right again, T! Later, I told T that it's so important to me that I feel safe in there with her, and that I'm afraid that feeling will go away if I get angry at her - T said I'm in a dilemma then, that at some point I'll have to take a risk and let out those feelings to her and see what her reaction is. I told T that I'm really feeling like I need to be reassured a lot these days, that she's not going anywhere - T said she'll be right there.

I did tell T that it meant a lot that she maybe wanted to take care of me, and then she repeated those words back to me, that she is taking care of me.

So I told T about the transference feelings - she didn't want me to use that word, she asked me what I meant when I said "transference" - not that she didn't know what it meant, but she wanted to know what it meant to me. I told her how I was so ashamed of these feelings, she wanted to know why - I said as a grown woman, I shouldn't have this need to be mothered like this, and that I know our relationship is limited. I told T that these feelings are so strong and so confusing. T said I've been carrying around these feelings my entire life, this love and longing for someone to mother me, so of course the feelings are intense. She was asking all sorts of questions, and I was so tongue-tied tonight, but we did make some progress - at one point, I realized that I was afraid to tell T because I thought her reaction might be to put limitations on our relationship, she said absolutely not. She then asked me how I thought she'd react, and the first word that popped into my head was "disgusted". I told T that, she was so surprised, but then I said that maybe she's had other patients who have told her this, and she's thinking that oh great, just one more patient she has to deal with having these feelings now. T looked me in the eye and said, "There's the shame." She was right! I told T how I feel like I'm being too emotional in there lately, T said not at all, that it's also old stuff, shame, coming up for me to feel that way. I asked T if she was okay with me having these feelings, she assured me that she was. T told me that it's important for me to allow these feelings, and any other feelings I have, to come up and bring them to her - she said it takes a lot of courage, but it's so important.

I left feeling worried that I hadn't expressed myself well enough. But I know I need to let that go and do what T said, just let my feelings come up and bring them in to her on Wednesday, and trust that no matter what, T will be there for me. Easier said than done!

[jexa]

dream. you are so brave, it brings tears to my eyes.

[BlueMoon6]

Whoa! Dream! You are very brave and from the sound of it, you expressed yourself very, very well. These are really difficult things to say to anyone, even your therapist.

How do you feel now? Now that you have told her about your feelings about needing mothering and she completely accepted you, told you that she'd be there and she is certianly is NOT disgusted!

I cant think of anything more healing and soothing. You are being re-mothered. And you are ALLOWING yourself to be. That is really big, Dream. I know what it is like to carry those feelings around for an entire lifetime. She will teach you how to mother yourself. Can you feel that already?

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

How do you feel now? Now that you have told her about your feelings about needing mothering and she completely accepted you, told you that she'd be there and she is certianly is NOT disgusted!

I cant think of anything more healing and soothing. You are being re-mothered. And you are ALLOWING yourself to be. That is really big, Dream. I know what it is like to carry those feelings around for an entire lifetime. She will teach you how to mother yourself. Can you feel that already?

I'm feeling strangely unsettled, like waiting for the sky to fall or something, like it's too good to be true that T could be that accepting. And as I journaled after my session, I started to cry, and I wrote down the questions, "WHY does T want to take care of me? WHY is she so accepting of these feelings I have?" I still can't see why she would want that. I do realize that's the shame talking, but it's still very much present. I thought it would feel healing and soothing, but it's not, and I don't understand why the shame is so loud right now.

I think I want to take my time with this part of the journey before I have to start mothering myself - a friend told me not to rush it, that I deserve to be mothered by someone else for awhile. And since T is okay with doing that, I'm going to let her do it.

[Luce]

You are doing some realyl great work there, Dream.

I wonder if the shame is so loud right now because your relationship with T is challenging so many long-held beliefs and feelings about yourself.

Sometimes the only way to change something is to truly pick it up and examine it/explore it/attack it from all different angles, and then reframe it. If you can imagine all that shame as a black rock, for example, your Ts acceptance doesn't mean that you can simply throw that rock away or that it doesn't exist anymore. It is a part of you - your whole being is shaped on the foundation of that rock.
But maybe what your T's acceptance is doing is causing you to really examine the structure of that rock and question its validity. And, I don't know about your black rocks, but whenever I question mine they protest and defend themselves REALLY loudly.
The good thing is, this exchange between the rock and you creates change. Before it was a black rock that simply 'was', unchallenged, but now it is a black rock under scrutiny, challenged by new information, new perspectives, new ideas. Now it is a black rock undergoing a process of metamorphosis.
This uncomfortable place you find yourself in now IS the healing process at work.
I wonder what the black rock will become when your therapy process is done.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Your description of your session was beautiful to read: there's some very powerful therapy going on there.

[peaches100]

Dreamseeker,

You and your t had a great conversation at your session! She sounds so accepting of your feelings, and i can tell from what you shared that she must care about you a great deal. Not all t's are willing to involve themselves in reparative, reparenting experiences with their patients. Some of them insist that their patients give up their wish to be parented and realize that it will never happen for them, and then grieve the loss. Apparently, your t feels that you can benefit from some nurturing along the way to help you in your healing. It's true that we can never go back and change our stories or make our parents give us what we missed out on as a child. But i do believe that kind, caring gestures, along with some nurturing, can go a long way in healing those gaping developmental wounds.

[WePow]

Dream - you are a true inspiration to me!!!

Wow, you all are gonna make me cry at work!

Originally Posted by Luce

I wonder if the shame is so loud right now because your relationship with T is challenging so many long-held beliefs and feelings about yourself.
Luce, that really hits home - thank you. That gives me a lot to ponder!

Sometimes the only way to change something is to truly pick it up and examine it/explore it/attack it from all different angles, and then reframe it. If you can imagine all that shame as a black rock, for example, your Ts acceptance doesn't mean that you can simply throw that rock away or that it doesn't exist anymore. It is a part of you - your whole being is shaped on the foundation of that rock.
But maybe what your T's acceptance is doing is causing you to really examine the structure of that rock and question its validity. And, I don't know about your black rocks, but whenever I question mine they protest and defend themselves REALLY loudly.
The good thing is, this exchange between the rock and you creates change. Before it was a black rock that simply 'was', unchallenged, but now it is a black rock under scrutiny, challenged by new information, new perspectives, new ideas. Now it is a black rock undergoing a process of metamorphosis.
This uncomfortable place you find yourself in now IS the healing process at work.
I wonder what the black rock will become when your therapy process is done.

Wow. I want to read this over and over again and absorb it, there is so much to consider in this analogy - it is so powerful. One of my friends has also told me that therapy sometimes is about examining one thing from all different angles - funny you should use those exact words. Yes, my black rock is screaming its head off right now, demanding to be heard - I think that's why I keep trying to invalidate my relationship with T, I'm afraid to believe that she could actually care about me. But it helps to picture in my head that T and I are teaming up together to examine this black rock, and that the possibility does exist that the black rock can change. And thank you for pointing out that this uncomfortable place is the healing process at work - it doesn't always feel so healing, but T did tell me that I might feel worse before I feel better, so maybe this is part of the process then!

[Fuzzybear]