[lifelesstraveled]

IDK how or what to feel about this...

Today I asked what exactly we were supposed to talk about in the last two sessions. T told me we are pretty much to going to talk about the progress I feel i've made, if i am feeling any anxiety about the move/transition and what else I feel like i need to work on....

I started out by giving her the url for my photoblog....I rediscovered my love for photography back in April---I have T to thank for that--- and haven't shared any of my photos with her. So i picked out my faves and created a quick photoblog so she could see them---cheaper than sending them out to be printed.....kinda regret it now...what if she thinks they suck or that there's nothing great about them, or that she's seen better or what if she doesnt look at them at all? Anyways, i wrote the url on a piece of paper and she tucked it away in her purse that was sitting next to her....she didnt put it in my file so she may very well look at it. Then she asked where I wanted to start. I told her IDK....

I let her take the lead, she asked me questions about all of the above. I made T laugh several times, which felt good and at the end she said wants me to still think about the progress i've made and what i feel i need to work on if/when i find a new T and we will discuss it next week.

( i have two consultations scheduled for the 6th and 7th of Jan....)

....i wanna pack T in my bags and bring her with me and set up shop in my new city

these last two sessions are confusing and are causing me a bit of anxiety. I was super nervous--more than usual sitting in the waiting room. maybe it's slowly creeping up on me that i wont be seeing her every week in the blue room. I won't have my usual comfy corner on the couch and my two pillows and the lanyard string she lets me play with when I forget to bring my malleable artist's eraser with me(keeps my hands busy and helps me to focus in session)...

guess i will go work on my last assignment.....

(((((((((((((((LLT))))))))))))))))

What a tough transition. It sounds like it's going as well as it can...I love that you made T laugh. I think laughing with T feels so good I bet she will love your photo blog.

If you feel like it, would you share what you discover in your assignment with us?? I would love to hear how you've grown with T.

to you..

[gravyyy]

I hear you with making T laugh. Laughter and being a smart @$$ is my coping mechanism when I'm nervous or uncomfortable. My T and I would spend more than half our session laughing and this new T I just saw in my new town laughed as well so that's promising.

To be honest LLT, some of my biggest fears when I just moved was that I wouldn't be able to find a T in my new town that I had that feeling about that I just wanted to pack her up and take her with me. I felt like everyone in the new town was going to be cold and just miserable. So far the pdoc appt was a nightmare but the T I saw for an intake assessment at a new place was overall pretty good. Maybe you could talk to your T about that, about feeling like you want to take her with you and fearing you won't be able to find someone in the new place that you feel like that about. Honestly, more than I was ervous about finding a job or settling in to the new house, I was scared about finding new treatment. It's something I wish I would have discussed with my T but I never did. Just a thought.

[lifelesstraveled]

Treehouse thanks! Sure I will share what I have come up with...I am still working on it...though...

Gravvy- I made her laugh so hard she turned RED ...

I would like to tell her that I want to pack her up and take her with me, but I dont want to scare her or put her off in anyway.... Or maybe it's me that's scared...I think I've become a little attached to her and idk if I like that cuz it makes leaving her hard. There are only a handful of people, if that, that I am attached to and when I leave them I always think something is going to happen to them when Im not around...IDK.

I had a dream about T last night, or lack of T. I was sitting in her office and it was dark with a little bit of light shining thru a window (odd because there is no window in her office); furniture had been moved around and not in a neat way at all...the couch was sitting awkwardly in the middle room T's chair was behind the couch and her desk was behind the door...i was sitting in her office waiting for her and she never came. so i ended up leaving...idk what that was about...it was just so weird. I'm not good at analyzing dreams, but I will say that I have a huge fear of being forgotten, esp by people I consider to be important to me. Maybe that is what the dream is portraying..idk...

[WePow]

LLT - I think the dream says it all. The empty space T will leave in your life and in your heart will not be filled. And that is "OK" . Life forces us to move forward, but it is almost like moving furnature from one home to another. We may set things up as closely as we can to what we had in the other house, but it is never the same. And as nice as a new house can be, we miss what we had.

Your T will NOT EVER forget you. And I think you know this. And you will never forget your T. The emotions of grief you will go through with the changing of this relationship are going to be hard. But they are real and very honest. Allow yourself the freedom to cry or do whatever you need to do to process this change. It takes a wonderful soul and brave spirit to be able to feel as deeply as you apparently do.

[googley]

I would like to tell her that I want to pack her up and take her with me, but I dont want to scare her or put her off in anyway.... Or maybe it's me that's scared...I think I've become a little attached to her and idk if I like that cuz it makes leaving her hard. There are only a handful of people, if that, that I am attached to and when I leave them I always think something is going to happen to them when Im not around...IDK.

I told my T multiple times before I moved that I wanted to pack her up and take her with me. She was totally cool with it. I wanted to take her along because it was scary and I wanted to be able to continue work with her. It was something I could return to when I was feeling scared.

[BlueMoon6]

LLT- I love reading about dreams, I think they contain so much information about us. When I read your dreamn I felt sad. That you were waiting for T and she just didnt show up, you were left all alone. What did you feel while you were waiting? When you decided she wasnt going to come so you left? I odnt know what it means, but you do seem like you you were left alone, without T, without being told she wasnt going to be there. Maybe it means more processing of your leaving is necessary?

I love when I make T laugh. It is so...I odnt know...validating. Like I am funny and fun and I can even say something that T thinks is funny! I am great! LOL!

I think it is great you gave her your photoblog. I am a photographer, too. But I dont do it much anymore, I wish I could. But these pictures are YOU, they dont have to be good or bad, they are your images and reflect your vision. That is what is so wonderful about them and I know T will love the pics and not analyse them as professional or not.

I agree with wpowers, that maybe there is some grieving you need to go through and to allow yourself these emotions, they are real. And they wont go away.I know the times I have left someone or some situation that I didnt really want to leave, or wasnt quite ready to end, the person ALWAYS ends up regularly in my dreams. And in my passing thoughts.

[gravyyy]

Maybe you could share with her that you'd like to pack her and take her with you in the sense that you are afraid you're going to be unable to find a new T that you have such a good working relationship with. I mean when it comes down to it you want to find someone you trust, who trusts you, and with whom you feel like you can share anything with and feel essentially totally safe. You want someone you can connect to, someone who you feel like you can always depend on to be there and lend a listening, nonjudgmental ear. From past experience you know that you don't just walk in to a T-client relationship and everything is just toaly right, but rather you have to invest time, money, and emotion. You are probably nervous about the possibility that you meet with a new T and he/she totally dismisses you or doesn't "get" you. It's absolutely scary to start with a new treatment team. I get that, but you have your T now that you an process some of this with. Again, I urge you to tell her about it now before you don't have her anymore and you're left dealing with the uncertainty and the nerves on your own. Again, good luck with the transition!