[elliemay]

Because nothing says "merry christmas" like talking to your dad on the phone with your mother yelling in the background "tell her I hate her and to stay away, I don't want her".

It's a long drawn out story, but I chose to stay in hotel rather than with my parents this year. Although it is the best thing for me, they are not taking it very well and absolutely refuse to see my point of view on the issue.

While this is nothing new from them, it still brings up a host of issues that I had hoped to avoid. I have a therapy appointment today (thank goodness) and will at least have some solace prior to what I am sure will be an onslaught.

Oh well, at least I have a nice place to spend the holidays!

Sometimes I am glad my parents have disowned me and I don't have to deal with anything like you are facing. Glad your T is around...take care of yourself

[googley]

(((((((elliemay)))))
I'm so sorry your parents are not taking you staying in a hotel very well. I have not returned to where my parents lived since I vowed not to stay under their roof, for my own protection. When I have that conversation with them I don't think it will go very well. Please take care of yourself and don't let them guilt you into doing other things you don't want to do because you have decided to stay in a hotel.

[peaches100]

My husband and I have also had bad experiences when staying with my parents. On one occasion, my dad drank too much, cut me down, and tried to beat my husband up. It made the already distant relationship I had with my dad even more strained. Since then, we haven't gone out to the town where my parents live at all, and my husband says if we ever do, we are staying in a motel, not with them. I see them when they come out here, which is about 3 times per year. And my husband usually makes an appearance once. But i know there's tension between them still. Every time i know they are coming for a visit. . .i get anxious, uptight, and feel sick, not knowing when the next "incident" will happen. I'm sorry you're having to deal with a difficult family situation yourself. It's hard.

[WePow]

Bless your heart!!!! Safe hugs to you!!

[elliemay]

In a very real way, this has absolutely nothing to do with my parents. Although it creeps up from time to time, my issues/past with them have largely been forgiven. I must say that my dad, whom I long thought incapable of change, has, in the past few years, become a good friend to me. My mother? well, the capacity to forgive and understand appears to me to be endless. The capacity to tolerate, however, is most definately not.

The issue is with my brother, who is currently back living with them. I do not feel safe around him - he is a volatile substance abuser. Some years ago he injured me physically injured me quite badly - an injury that literally hurts every single day and serves as a reminder of *exactly* what he is capable of.

Rather than understanding and respecting my need for safety, they seem to have taken a different path of understanding and are taking it very personally.

It is not easy for them for him to be back in the house either, but they continue to choose to let him stay as "he is their son".

So somehow, in the most twisted logic ever *I* came out the bad guy.

It hurts me to see him hurt them, and all I wanted to do was protect myself.

I'm simultaneously amazed, mortified, and as hard as I tried to prevent it -hurt.

Sigh. Sorry to be such a downer, but sometimes the holidays just suck.

[skeksi]

So somehow, in the most twisted logic ever *I* came out the bad guy.

I really understand where you are coming from. I was abused by my brother growing up, and when I tried to explain to my mom that I don't like being around him because it makes me remember the violence, she turned it into *me* breaking up the family. It made me very sad to realize that no matter what, she wasn't going to choose me

I'm sorry your parents didn't force your brother to get help long ago, so that you never had to be hurt in the first place. It's a pity, because the allowances they are making for him are ultimately hurting everyone, even him. They will be on the receiving end of his abuse, if they aren't already.

I'm so sorry your family doesn't see that you are acting in your own best interest. It is so frustrating, isn't it, that once we get into therapy and become healthier, that our families resist these new patterns so strongly?

I am thinking of you as I plan to see my family this holiday, including my own brother

(((((((elliemay)))))))

Originally Posted by elliemay

So somehow, in the most twisted logic ever *I* came out the bad guy.

It hurts me to see him hurt them, and all I wanted to do was protect myself.

I'm simultaneously amazed, mortified, and as hard as I tried to prevent it -hurt.

Sigh. Sorry to be such a downer, but sometimes the holidays just suck.

sadly, it seems the person who is truthful about family secrets manytimes ends up being cast as the bad guy. i guess because it disrupts the dysfunctional family dynamic that they are too afraid to confront. that sucks and i'm really sorry your parents aren't being more responsible or caring towards you. good for you for taking care of yourself during the holidays though. staying in a hotel and scheduling an appt with T are both really positive things for you and show a lot of self-care even if your family is threatened by it.

[elliemay]

I sincerely thank all that posted. It is nice to be understood, and to have affirmed that the my parent's logic was, in fact, twisted.

As soon as she realized that anger and acting out was not going to work, she completely switched tactics - crying and suicide threats (something unfortunately I'm all too familiar with).

Things really kicked up as I included in my holiday (OMG!) visits to other relatives that mean a lot to me - my grandmother and my uncle.

/sarcasm/ Clearly, I should have chosen NOT to do that as simply trying to enact some semblance of things that meant a lot to me obviously was designed to cause them (largely my mother, actually) immense hurt.

I also left entirely too early in order to satisfy obligations that I made for myself and to others. Really, what was I thinking? Obviously of nothing but hurting her.../sarcasm/

I don't know why there can be absolutely no recognition of anything that was important to me at all. None.

In my heart I know that most of this comes down to a desire, on my mother's part, to control my actions which ultimately leads to the satisfaction of her own needs.

I'm convinced that my actual presence or actions mean very little to her. In fact, I think it matters very little how she truly feels (which she likely doesn't even know), the importance is placed on her ability to control what I do.

It's a sinister, yet effective form of abuse.

I'm grateful I am adult, with agency of action. I'm also very grateful that I can act on that agency and help myself. I know I helping myself.

Given that, I still feel tremendous guilt. She is very very good at what she does.

[skeksi]

I'm convinced that my actual presence or actions mean very little to her. In fact, I think it matters very little how she truly feels (which she likely doesn't even know), the importance is placed on her ability to control what I do.

I think you hit the nail on the head, there. And I'm sorry that she has manipulted you into feeling so guilty--which, ironically, shows just how much you do love her. It's a pity she can't see past her need to make you her puppet enough to see how you do care and want to show your love.

Be well. There was probably no way to endure this holiday that would've made her happy. Looking at for yourself is the best you could do.