It gives me chills to even write this, but I have to say it somewhere...

My H has been REALLY REALLY MEAN to me for the past couple of weeks. It's been terrifying and triggering...I've tiptoed around hoping he won't blow up, but I have no idea what will make him go off, so I don't know where to step. It's exhausting and scary and awful.

He just gave up nicotine (gum) and caffeine, so I know that's part of it. But that's not all of it. This is how he has always treated me, for 17 years of marriage. I never even thought that much of it. I mean, I didn't LIKE it, but other than thinking "ugh,this is scary" I've just dealt with it.

And the stupid thing is, I'm this HUGE "giver" so I have spent 17 years doing EVERYTHING - all the child care, shopping for food/holidays/gifts/etc, cooking, cleaning, lawn care, car maintenance, home maintenance, bills, banking, school for the kids, laundry, pet care, etc, etc, etc, etc. If something has had to be, I have done it, 100% of the time. H goes to work and hangs out. I'm almost ashamed to write that. If I ask him to do anything, he just gets angry, and that scares me, so I do everything myself.

Things have been SO bad the past few weeks that I finally just GIVE UP. I told H that his anger doesn't bother me anymore, that he can be angry all he wants, but I'm not going to be scared of him, or let it affect me. And H said "well, I guess it's over then, because you can't turn off your feelings about my anger without turning off all of your feelings - it's like flipping a switch" He's right, actually. I can't....but I am GOOD at turning off my feelings, that's how I got through my childhood. If I have to do that temporarily, so be it.

Now H is being REALLY nice to me. It's scary. He says things like "you're so pretty, how could I be so mean to you?" When he feels guilty, it usually morphs into anger directed at me. I'm just trying to get through all of this.

Here's the thing. THIS is a crappy point to be at...realizing how I've let myself be treated for all of these years, how I've shown my kids I deserve to be treated. That makes me sick. But I couldn't even SEE IT until now. I was treated so badly growing up, that anything would be an improvement. And I realized responding to blue's thread that I have ALWAYS felt like I did something "wrong" and deserved to be punished...so H's behavior played right into that for me. Reading and writing in that thread made me realize....I didn't do anything wrong. I deserve to be treated kindly, just like everyone else in the world.

I am so grateful for therapy. Because of bloom's threads, I've been thinking of all of the times I almost quit therapy. And there have been good moments too when I think I'm done with T, because of the amount of healing I've done. But the thing is, my self-esteem was still so low that I didn't even see that there were things to work on, that my life could get better. I thought that was as good as it got.

I feel sad and scared. I feel hopeful, but I also feel like I can't believe how I've let myself be treated all of these years. I've only hinted about it to other people, even T. I think I knew on some level how wrong it was. I feel angry but I also feel really small. I feel like my eyes have been opened to something, and I can't not see it again. I don't know what to do with all of this. For right now, I'm just going to sit tight and breathe and wait. I am getting coffee with a friend this morning and my band is playing at a party this afternoon. I'm just going to be.

But ugh, my feelings are so stirred up. I'm scared. I really REALLY want T

[pachyderm]

(((Tree)))

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((((tree)))))))))

[Melbadaze]

Tree, I dont talk about my husband, his a good guy, we've been together 26yrs and his still my friend...BUT I will say that there are things about him that I didnt see in the past because I was to busy being drunk and him to busy being codependent..and thats what I see in him now, and I dont want him to be like that, and I think because I am changing he is also...he said something the other day that surprised me as I never talk about my therapy with him EVER but we were talking about something and he said out of the blue "well thats something Ive learnt since you entered recovery, whose problems are whose problems" I smiled at that, to think firstly that he acknowledged that I hadnt just stopped drinkiing but that I was changing too and that it had helped him as well, he'd pick up on my recovery...it felt nice it felt like we are on this journey together...lots of struggling as we both shed our old skins but something wonderful to look forward too...I hope your husband sees the benefits and gets something out of your recovery too.

[mixedup_emotions]

I know the feeling of reality smacking me in the face...especially when it came to my husband and his mistreatment of me. For years, it was just "the way of living". I didn't think much of it, although I didn't enjoy it.

I can relate, Tree. I really, really can. The awful feeling of giving up so much of my life...the example we were showing our daughter...It was all so difficult to accept....

I also know how hard it is for such huge things to be stirred up and not have T right there when we need them! ((( BIG HUGS )))

[googley]

(((((((Tree))))))

[rainbow8]

Tree: I'm sure T will help you deal with your feelings about your H just like he has helped you with everything else. I know it's hard to wait for therapy. I know too well.

[bluesylady]

Hi (((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))) OMG!!! I could have written this post myself a few years ago. The fact is you're changing. Things that worked in the past for you no longer work. You are becoming more self aware of how you and everything else fit into the big picture. You have every right to change, to want different things out of life, to expect more for yourself. It sounds like your husband is stuck in the old groove. He will need to change too. It sounds like he just doesn't know what's going on right now. He doesn't understand you are different and want a little more out of life and maybe a little more out of him. He's probably somewhat lost, wondering where and how and why he needs to change. He needs to change to accomadate the new you. People change. Marriages change. You're moving forward and that's a good thing. I'm saying all this from my own experience. I've been married for over 30 years, have 2 grown sons and overcame many challanges and obsticles in my life so far. My DH and I have been to hell and back more times than I care to remember but we've always worked through it and that's because both of us are so invested in each other and our marriage. You need to let him know what's going on with you and how you are changing which makes everything else change. You can't go backwards just to keep the status quo. You've just realized that you matter just as much as him in your marriage and are just as important as he is. You now see yourself as an equal and expect to be treated that way. Nothing wrong with that, if fact that's the way it should be imho. No need to feel guilty for growing. It's a good thing. Congradutlation! Now it's just a matter of getting him to understand all of this. Lots of talking with each other helps. There will be lots of growing pains in your marriage too. You will not be alble to always smooth things over anymore. You won't be able to "fix" what's broken all the time. He will need to accept some responsibility for working at your marriage to make things work. My dh and I have learned to crack jokes about most of the small stuff. We keep each other laughing. To many serious issues in life that require serious attention. Like the book says, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Seems to work for us. Of course what do I know? lol Just my 2 cents worth.

Best wishes and take care,
bluesy

[perpetuallysad]

((((Tree))))

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Tree)))) Im going through something very similar. I guess I'll just talk from my experience, maybe some of this is the same for you.

Of course, I chose someone who I felt comfortable with, someone who in some ways felt familiar and replayed my childhood dramas. I could (conscously or not) undo/redo old mother/father dramas. But not exactly (for me), my H is somewhat of a better choice than who I would have chose had I gotten married younger.

As I realized more and more in therapy and am letting go (very slowly) of feelings of self-hate, unworthiness and discovering more about who my mother was and how I felt as a child, I am much more conscious of how that plays out in the here and now. And I play it out in my marriage. As if there is a mountain to discover in therapy about how it plays out in my relationships with everyone (including my husband), I uncovered the top of the moutain and how much there is below is almost frightening. Not just how it has played out with my H, but with friends, my children, everyone. And how it has played out in my feelings about myself. There is no turning back now, I see why I chose him.

But it does not mean I have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Not at all. And neither do you. The fact that at the very least H got scared and changed his behavior (for now) is a good sign. He cares about the marriage and doesnt want to throw the baby out with the bathwater either. Neither does my H. ANd if I have to drag him into therapy with me (like I did this past summer) he will go. He wants to keep what we have and I am sure your husband does, too.

In my experience, it takes time for husbands to process what is going on. What is new. And they may not process the way we do. I think you did the right thing by allowing him his anger. Maybe this is his way of working the new situation with you out in his head? You are not going to react like a scared child and enable him to provoke you. My husband is like this, too. And he needs time to process that. To come to a place where he can communicate. I like that you didnt react or get defensive. That is how i used to respond to my husband. Lots of defending. Now, when he wants to process the situation with sarcasm or anger, I try to answer with humor or acknowledge the feelings behind what he is saying. In my situation, he might get angry about me taking time for myself and not "suffering" and "working" all the time. Ftt has taught me to answer with things like, "Yeah, I know, you are right, you COULD use a break, too." To validate him.

I have said to her (ftt) that I am tired of always being the one to work on the marriage, make these efforts, me understand him etc. She pointed out to me that it isnt uncommon for the woman to be the one to initiate change. It usually is that way.

My husband is European, he has expected me to do 100% of everything the way you described. And I do waaaaay more in the house than he does. But if he were doing more, and this is what came up with ftt, Id have to be consulting with him all day long on the thousands of decsions I make all day. Do I want to do that? Or do I want to do things my way? I have set it up this way, consciously or not. Pretty much all household/children things fall under my domain. And then I complain that he doesnt help! But my complaints are real! I want him to do more and take some of the kid/household responsibility, but Im going to have to give up some control in the process.

The bottom line is, the dynamic between us is changing. I am treating myself more respectfully. And I expect more acceptance and tolderance from him. If I dont get it, I just keep going without incident. And that is REALLY new for my husband. He is losing some of his control. It takes time and I am taking a deeeeep breath and giving him time.

The point that you are at, Tree, is a difficult one. Realizing how you have allowed yourself to be treated, how the dynamic could have affected your children and not wanting it to continue. I think you are doing the right thing to sit and wait. Consider that his anger is the way he is processing the new dynamic. Its the same with my H and I try not to react to things he says, like the things about turning off all of your feelings. Is it possible it is easier for him (like my husband!) to make it about you and your feelings, when actually it is about him and his feelings about your new way of expecting respectful treatment. My husband has said anything to turn it back to me. He is now, after some time, not doing that as much as he sees it doesnt work. I dont react or defend my feelings, I just move along and ignore it- with humor, validation or just plain ignore it. Even if he doensnt like it, he is tolerating and accepting more of what is. And, I believe, iin time, he will be more peaceful in the marriage with both of us more content with our lives. Not one person forcing another to be a certain way.

When do you see T??? I spend so much time every week talking about this stuff....it feels like some sort of final frontier.....

[moonrise]

(((((Tree)))))

I think it took a lot of strength and guts to do what you did. You're one strong woman.

[MissCharlotte]

Living in a household with simmering anger all around is a frightening thing. It is how I grew up. My father had explosive anger and my mom was always angry at him but didn't express it. Toward the end of her life she told me about how she used to lay in bed thinking of ways to kill him. My H also doesn't express his anger so it smolders and comes out in strange ways (like cleaning). The recognition of where you are and what you have been living with doesn't negate the good you have done and encouraged in others. Maybe some marriage counseling with a separate T (with or without H) would be the thing to consider now? I know some others who have done this. You could focus on the issues surrounding your relationship with H and keep T to yourself because you need that level of support right now.

Take care of you -- and remember that because you have been mistreated doesn't make you a bad person.

((Tree))

[SpottedOwl]

(((treehouse)))

You are waking up, and sometimes it can be a bit disorienting to wake up.

A few thoughts for you as you move through this process...

--This is *really* positive. It feels yucky, but it is a HUGE step forward.

--Allow yourself to grieve when the time comes. Part of waking up is realizing all you have lost out on by not valuing yourself. It is perfectly normal and healthy to grieve this loss. So, if you start to feel sadness, then anger, then disbelief, then anger...etc...know that you are grieving.

--Find some compassion for yourself. You have done the very best that you knew how to do, and it is 'ok' that you are just now having this realization. If you can, forgive yourself.

And, finally, you are not alone. I was a big pleaser, and it got so bad that it literally threatened my life. It can be painful to realize that after 'all I gave' I accepted abusive treatment, and didn't think to stand up for myself. That is where the forgiveness has come in. Yes, it is shameful, and stupid, and ridiculous that I would put up with abuse -- but the truth is I didn't think I deserved any better. Now I do know better, but I had to learn to forgive myself for not knowing in the past.

You are one brave and amazing person, treehouse, and don't you forget it!!!

[Sannah]

What progress Tree! Your eyes have been opened......... You know, my husband and I have been together for 18 years. I was healing the whole time. My husband has a really strong personality and it took me probably a decade or more to really become conscious of all the little things that he dominated and I just let him. I really didn't see any problem with any of it until my eyes opened more and more with my healing. In my situation my husband was not trying to be mean EVER. He just had a strong personality and in a vacuum he was going to fill up the space until I demanded more.

You can get through this Tree. You have done so much healing. You WILL find your way and you WILL make your life to your liking...........

To Tree's empowerment