[Melbadaze]

well T didn't email...I go back monday, yeah she may tomorrow or sat or sun, but I don't see the point in that...thing is if I T how I waited each day she may say oh why didn't you email me? Or she might say, oh i'm sorry, you didn't make it clear whether you wanted me to before the break...thing is, now it would feel to contrived...the fact that i had to ask makes me feel like i've written myself a letter, to myself and given it to T to give to me...yet if I don't say anything I feel i would not be being true, because I have spent EVERY day this xmas break waiting...I feel stupid in a way...but there you go...

Why not write a letter to yourself saying what you want your t to say? Might be enlightening.

[Melbadaze]

oh part of me wants her to be all apologitic...but that doesn't solve what happens in the future, t made this suggestion of being more pro active and that was good it was coming from her...now i feel because i have to bring it up becausE she didn't do it...that if she does say, oh sorry i,ll make sure i do it next time...The spontaniaty has gone...but if i don't tell her how disappointed i am... Well...its a bit of a double bind...what would others do in this situation?...i feel i shaLl say to her that now i's rather her not do it bwcause of me having to ask

Just tell her how you expected she might get in touch with you over the holiday, and you were really disappointed when you didn't hear from her. The truth is always the easiest. Don't attach all that other stuff about now it won't be spontaneous, etc, etc, to it. That's just extra crud that you need to discard.

Hi Melba,

how about just saying to her that you thought her saying she needed to be more proactive meant you might hear from her during the holidays. And that you lookd for an email from her each day, and were disappointed when none came.

I think it is always a good idea to let our T know how they affect us, even if it means being vulnerable in ways that are uncomfortable. If you don't, it will likely just hang there between you and muck things up...

[Melbadaze]

yes thanks both...i know a deep hurt is being triggered and part of me is a bit afraid T will be cross with me for being hurt...i guess this sort of thing never got resolved for me as a child...i am trying to pre guess what T will say or do...having a conversations with T in my head isn't hElping at the moment...

Have A good new yr ((everyone))

[MissCharlotte]

Ahh Melba, maybe the little girl who couldn't speak for her needs is getting the upper hand here. I wish you could write T and tell her you need to hear from her just a short bit before the next session. I know--you could send her an email wishing her Happy New Year and be honest and tell her that you wished she had contacted you like she said she might. That does not sound contrived to me. Anyway, Happy New Year to you and the little Melba too.

i'm so sorry you didn't hear back from T. no wonder you understood on my thread. i think telling her you are disappointed is a good idea. i finally emailed T. it didn't go terribly well but i'm glad i did communicate.

[Melbadaze]

Trying not to act out my pain ... I want to email T NOW/TODAY...the pain is so big I need her to know!...but think the "right" thing to do, the adult thing to do is the wait until my session monday to tell her to talk to her..but not sure how to sit with the hurt....

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Trying not to act out my pain ... I want to email T NOW/TODAY...the pain is so big I need her to know!...but think the "right" thing to do, the adult thing to do is the wait until my session monday to tell her to talk to her..but not sure how to sit with the hurt....

(((((((((((((Melba)))))))))))))))

I'm not sure sitting with your pain is the right thing to do. Isn't that what we were taught as children? And now we are trying to learn a new way...reaching out, and having somebody reach back. Admitting our needs and letting someone meet them.

I'm sorry it's so painful

[Melbadaze]

Thank you Tree, your words really helped..I did go to email T but felt tension in my neck over doing only because its a holiday today and I guess I don't want her break to have any of my pathology spoiling it...if it were just a regular end of terM sort of break, then I think I would have....gosh even I am begining to get fed up with my pathological disturbences gate crashing her holidays (insert perfected tears)...i just wanna grow up.

[Melbadaze]

oh i gone and dun it...just wrote how i waited everyday and how i didn't mind waiting but the big fat nothing has made it hard to come and face her...

[Melbadaze]

oh ****...she replied immediately and said she sent me a card on xmas eve...it never arrived....i wasn't expecting that i rhought she'd just email me or something...dear oh dear

[skeksi]

Oh, melba, I'm so glad to hear that she did reach out to you! I hope the mail gets straightened out of course. But I'm glad that when you reached out, she was there to answer, that she had been there all along.

[RiverX]

Mel,
I'd be interested to know, do you feel resolved about this?
I have had many similar moments with T, and they suck, well literally in fact, syphon my attention away from my life and into the vacuum of self compounding need. (at those times self - soothing ~ forget it!) I think its so important that Ts do what they say they will.
How do you feel about it now?

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

well T didn't email...I go back monday, yeah she may tomorrow or sat or sun, but I don't see the point in that...thing is if I T how I waited each day she may say oh why didn't you email me? Or she might say, oh i'm sorry, you didn't make it clear whether you wanted me to before the break...thing is, now it would feel to contrived...the fact that i had to ask makes me feel like i've written myself a letter, to myself and given it to T to give to me...yet if I don't say anything I feel i would not be being true, because I have spent EVERY day this xmas break waiting...I feel stupid in a way...but there you go...

[WePow]

Mebadaze, isn't it amazing how these difficult times allow us the best chances to grow and see where we still have to heal? I am so proud of you for sending the email to ask T about your needs. That is what we learn in our relationship with T - to express our needs in a healthy way.

[Melbadaze]

River, as soon as T replied saying she'd sent a card I felt the familiar T back again...whilst I was waiting it felt strange, a good strange, it felt like there was hope..yes there was a hic cup with the card not arriving...but i'd say all in all it
helped me this break....I think as a child I spent my childhood waiting for my unknOwn birth mother to come...I think deep inside me this was getting played out with T during the break, knowing no matter what happened, T would be there to answer my cries of "where are you?"..and thats just how it went and I now feel warm and to use your word "resolved"

[Melbadaze]

I know some people use transistional objects that help them during absences..I've tried that, but it never really helped...but this waiting for something during the absence for me keeps it alive...I mean yes T Has offered transistional objects befire, but they just reminded me of the T that was getting ready to take a break..or perhaps reminded me of the mother who said goodbyE for good...but getting something from T during a break is from the "alive" T/mother thats coming back.

[RiverX]

knowing no matter what happened, T would be there to answer my cries of "where are you?"..and thats just how it went

Wow.
This is what I was thinking, that T.s are second chance people, so, its like we take ourselves to that vulnerable place, and then with a good, trustworthy T the response is different from our history, well in fact it IS a response, and so we can have a new basis, ie a new , a relationship from which to grow.
What has been a trouble for me is that, indeed, I also went to the edge, to that place of trust, so its like I'm living in a real, but at the same time a symbolic emotional emergency, for this purpose, in order to re-wire, so to speak. But in every single time, one way or another, T. has let me down. Why? I dont know if its something about me that somehow produces some kind of unconscious reaction with T.
However, recently various connections have been helping me. I'm sad tho, about how its gone. My wish is to go back tho, and not be devasted. I want to deliver the message, get him to hear me good and proper, - I felt so much for him, and still do, which then seems so unfair, so good at creating the relationship with me, but not the follow thro that I needed.
thats how it seems to me.

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

River, as soon as T replied saying she'd sent a card I felt the familiar T back again...whilst I was waiting it felt strange, a good strange, it felt like there was hope..yes there was a hic cup with the card not arriving...but i'd say all in all it
helped me this break....I think as a child I spent my childhood waiting for my unknOwn birth mother to come...I think deep inside me this was getting played out with T during the break,

and I now feel warm and to use your word "resolved"

[Melbadaze]

River, I'm sorry you've been let down when you have allowed yourself to trust..thats the building block of therapy isnt it? trust.