[theave]

I am trying to deal with a couple of things just now that I know are pretty silly really, but can't seem to shake them off.

One is that my T has gone for an operation today. I am selfishly sorry that I won't see her again till next month. Also I am worried about the operation itself - my dad had a similar operation a few years ago and he had a pulmonary embolism which luckily was spotted in time. I know that these things aren't connected but somehow they have got stuck in my head.

The other thing is that I sent my old CPN a card and a note for Christmas and I would really like to hear from her though I know I have no right to ask for that. Some cards seem to have been delayed so it is possible she has only just received it, but I feel I am starting to obsess about checking the mail.

And yes, I guess it's that time of year - starting up old routines again and doubting my ability to cope - and being stuck thinking about where I was this time last year and how horrible it was, and how I feel I won't cope if I sink so low again.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by theave

I am trying to deal with a couple of things just now that I know are pretty silly really, but can't seem to shake them off.

One is that my T has gone for an operation today. I am selfishly sorry that I won't see her again till next month. Also I am worried about the operation itself - my dad had a similar operation a few years ago and he had a pulmonary embolism which luckily was spotted in time. I know that these things aren't connected but somehow they have got stuck in my head.

The other thing is that I sent my old CPN a card and a note for Christmas and I would really like to hear from her though I know I have no right to ask for that. Some cards seem to have been delayed so it is possible she has only just received it, but I feel I am starting to obsess about checking the mail.

And yes, I guess it's that time of year - starting up old routines again and doubting my ability to cope - and being stuck thinking about where I was this time last year and how horrible it was, and how I feel I won't cope if I sink so low again.

These things are not silly! They are valid feelings that you are experiencing.

I hope your T's operation goes smoothly, and it is perfectly ok to be upset that you won't be able to see your T until next month regardless of the circumstance. They're two separate feelings - one of concern for your T and one of concern for you. Perfectly understandable to me!

About the card, that's a tough one. I sent my T a card around the holidays with a short note in it thanking him for everything. I've seen him several times throughout the holidays, and he did not acknowledge the card at all. That's ok with me, although it would've been nice to have it acknowledged.

I'm with ya on the routines and the self-doubt. This year has started off horribly for me, and I'm sinking pretty quickly. It irks me when I try to put emphasis on everything that typically surrounds a "new year"...just to set myself up for disappointment.

[ECHOES]

It sounds like you have worries, but you are coping very well. You must have come a long way since last year at this time

It is bad enough when T goes off for a vacation; it is very stressful when T's health is a concern. I think you are very sweet and caring and I can sure understand the worry, even when you know T is getting good care and have faith she will be fine. A month is a long time to go, but returning to therapy next month is a good thing to focus on. Write here and we'll keep you company along the way!

[theave]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It has helped writing down how I am feeling. I know I have come a long way since this time last year but I do find it hard to acknowledge that at times. I feel that if I say I feel better, that any support I have will be taken from me. Again, I know that's part of my character and part of depression - not feeling good enough to deserve any attention - and also part of growing up with a public health system and worrying that I am using resources that someone else needs more than I do. I feel I am being arrogant in thinking anyone could possibly be interested in how I feel.

It's hard not to be affected by the new year, I think - starting afresh and being positive and so on. I remember being with friends last new year when they were talking about their hopes for the year, and I felt so cut off from them as I couldn't get past thinking that I wasn't going to be around for much longer, that it was inevitable I would commit suicide. That clearly hasn't happened so I must be a bit better at least.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too, Mixed up emotions - I do hope things start improving for you soon. Baby steps and one day at a time are good things to remember - though I can't really talk, that sounds so simple and is so hard to put into practice.

Thank you again.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by theave

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It has helped writing down how I am feeling. I know I have come a long way since this time last year but I do find it hard to acknowledge that at times. I feel that if I say I feel better, that any support I have will be taken from me. Again, I know that's part of my character and part of depression - not feeling good enough to deserve any attention - and also part of growing up with a public health system and worrying that I am using resources that someone else needs more than I do. I feel I am being arrogant in thinking anyone could possibly be interested in how I feel.

It's hard not to be affected by the new year, I think - starting afresh and being positive and so on. I remember being with friends last new year when they were talking about their hopes for the year, and I felt so cut off from them as I couldn't get past thinking that I wasn't going to be around for much longer, that it was inevitable I would commit suicide. That clearly hasn't happened so I must be a bit better at least.

I'm sorry that you're struggling too, Mixed up emotions - I do hope things start improving for you soon. Baby steps and one day at a time are good things to remember - though I can't really talk, that sounds so simple and is so hard to put into practice.

Thank you again.

It's amazing how much I can relate to your post...Not recognizing improvements...being fearful that expressing positive feelings would lead to the support being taken away....thinking that no one would really be interested in how I feel...recognizing my focus on unpleasantness rather than positivity....

Well, if one day at a time and baby steps are too hard...which - for me right now is too hard - then we'll have to try one minute at a time and build up from there!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by theave

I feel that if I say I feel better, that any support I have will be taken from me.

I think this way too, theave.
I told my T that I do and that even though it worries me, I want to be able to share good things with her, too.

[theave]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It's amazing how much I can relate to your post...Not recognizing improvements...being fearful that expressing positive feelings would lead to the support being taken away....thinking that no one would really be interested in how I feel...recognizing my focus on unpleasantness rather than positivity....

Well, if one day at a time and baby steps are too hard...which - for me right now is too hard - then we'll have to try one minute at a time and build up from there!

Well, I wish you didn't feel the same, but it is strangely comforting to know that the bits of depression I don't talk about much IRL are not unique to me. I don't know why it is so hard to acknowledge progress and so on - a lot has happened this past year and I am relatively intact - I think that maybe this time I want to get properly better rather than just better enough, but that seems a dauntingly tall order at times. Minute by minute is fine too

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think this way too, theave.
I told my T that I do and that even though it worries me, I want to be able to share good things with her, too.

That is great Echoes - I will aspire to do the same when I go back next month

I suppose it is still early days with my T and although I like her and think she is good and is helping, maybe I am still holding back a bit. I haven't got used to the fact that it's my decision to carry on seeing her - I have always been extremely compliant with anyone involved in my care in case it gets taken away (well, apart from the time I got angry and upset with a locum gp who sent me to hospital as she didn't know what to do with me). I had some comments early on in depression from friends and family, about how lucky I was to be offered support (oh - so not because I needed it then?) and how lucky I was that my OH was pitching in to keep things going as a family (if I'd been ill with something else would that have been said? unlikely) - so those sorts of comments have made it harder on me to accept depression as an illness rather than personal weakness.

I had a good chat (and cry) with my OH this evening and that really helps - he really is a complete star. Being in a new place does make it hard - either feeling fake or hiding, neither of which are helpful.

Thank you both again, and take care