blank slate

Could someone please remind me again what the purpose of T's being a blank slate is? My T has been 100% blank slate. The post about if T's have pets? I have NO idea. The one time I asked her a personal question- if she had kids - she deflected the question back to me, and I couldn't articulate why I wanted to know (it was simply because I wanted to know if she could *really* understand a parenting issue, which I couldn't get until my daughter was born).

Anyhow, it's sort of driving me nuts. And I have no idea if I should bring it up, or even how to. I don't want to seem stalker-ish. But it seems like the more she hides, the more curious I get. Who is this woman I'm spilling my life to?

I am interested in what other people have to say. My previous T tried to be close to a blank slate, she shared some things, but I found it really difficult to share my life with someone like that. It felt cold and distant to me. If it bothers you, bring it up. I brought it up to her. She didnt give me much of a response, I think she smiled at me. She liked to smile instead of responding. Thankfully, Im not with that therapist anymmore.

It is so the personal facts of T are not influential, it is to keep the therapy time about you, and your curiosity is meaningful (what you ask, when, why, etc), to evoke fantasies to explore, and probably other things I forget from my reading.

it is definitely a particular therapeutic 'technique' to deflect all personal questions. I think it has something to do with keeping the focus always on YOU. And it also maximizes any tendency you might have to project stuff (your own emotions, or seeing her as someone from your past) onto the blank screen she presents, which can be a very enlightening process if it becomes apparent. I have yet to ask my current T anything about herself, but I would like to know if she has kids too, since I have a lot of young parts who are not sure she even likes kids!
Anyhow, it seems like a reasonable thing to just ask her why she prefers not to answer questions. Maybe you could even phrase it in terms of what her therapeutic orientaion is, if you haven't had that conversation. But if course she might just ask back why you want to know! At which point you could tell her she's driving you nuts In any case you might then have a chance to process how you are affected...

For me, I believe my T shows me who he is because he knows I would not trust him otherwise. Also, for me it may be due to the CSA stuff. It really was hard with my college T (a counsellor) because he did not have CSA past - thankfully many do not! But he could not phathom what anguish I was in. Sure, he helped me a great deal - and he did practice the blank slate approach. But with my current T , I was able to establish real trust in him in a very short time - which was critical because I waited too long to get to a T. By the time I met him, I was already three months into SU mode and very high crisis state. And he knew if he sent me to a hospital it was going to be the end for me period. The agony I was in by the time I got to T needed a flat out miracle. Much to T's credit - he knew exactly how to give me what I needed right away through honest empathy and true compassion.

So I kinda think that Ts must consider each person as an individual case and then work from that point of view. IDK.

I am an advocate of the blank slate therapeutic approach. I don't want to feel responsible for what I might say that might upset my T, or trigger him. Therefore, the less I know about him, the more free I feel to talk.

I am of the opinion that a physician does not have to know what a broken leg feels like in order to treat one. What I want is a highly skilled practioner.

For me, the trust I feel with my therapist comes with what he does with the information he gathers from me, and the therapeutic plan he initiates based on that.

I think I am lucky that I found a psychiatrist who also does psychodynamic therapy. I simply can not imagine that after all those years of training that he has not been witness to the sequelae of all forms of abuse.

My t is not a blank slate at all. He has pictures of his kids and grandkids (and dog) on the shelves in his office. The other photos are landscapes he took on one of his many camping trips a few years ago. He's divorced and his first wife's name is Chris, just like mine. He talks about her from time to time. He lives with his current girlfriend. He's had trouble with his son and has given me some detail about that. His father passed last year. Oh, and he's adhd and takes meds for it.

I like it that way. All of my t's have been pretty open books now that I think about it.

I would not respond well to the "blank slate" method of therapy. I would think that therapy being about you would also include the way you interact with other human beings and all of the variables which come from that. So much of the learning about yourself, to me, seems about looking at your patterns of relating with others. For someone like me that would be best learned on a two-way street because that is more representative of reality. I understand the concept and its purpose, by the distance would not encourage me to feel trust in the T. It would not encourage me to be open with the T either. Everyone's therapy is different, though, and some might prefer this kind of therapy. I think it's about finding what works best for you.

I think different Ts have different theories about this. I mean if they revealed a lot about themselves it would A. take time away from the client, B. expose the T to a lot of feelings and more of a friendship than a client-T relationship, C. it could potentially open them up for clients that could stalk them or whatever. I know some Ts will disclose a lot.... mine told me all about her and her husband and son and brought in pictures from time to time and when she was going on vacation would tell me where she was going. I know where she's from and where her husband is from and all about her son and daycare and her pets, etc. But I do know with many, many Ts that they don't share any personal info with anyone because they don't want to open themselves up and they don't want to feel vulnerable. They like a clear separation between the therapist and the client. There's not a right and wrong, but I agree with basically everyone else that I prefer the T who will share some of their personal life with the client. If I didnt want that personal connection then I would hire a robot to sit and smile at me. That being said, I do respect the fact tht some Ts do not want to open themselves up like that. It's just not a T I would be able to work with long term.

Blue, I think I *do* need to bring it up because it really does bother me. But I'm scared to have the rejection and the answer. If I don't ask, I won't hear "no" - you know??
Echoes, thanks for the explanation. I think what's hard is that I'm not comfortable talking about my fantasies and thoughts like that yet.
Ripley, I like the idea of asking why she prefers not to answer. It might turn out that she will, if I can articulate my reason for wanting to know.
WP- your T sounds awesome. I'm feeling very slow to warm up to my T, but am not in crisis. And she's clearly stated that this therapy is going to take some real time.
Elliemay - my T is a pdoc doing psychodynamic therapy, as well. I like the positive way you look at it.
Farmergirl, brightheart, gravvy, I love hearing about different T's and how they work, especially when they're so different than mine. I must admit a twinge of envy when I hear about T's sharing things, because I think it would help me see T as more human, more 'real'.

I think I'm going to try and bring this up tomorrow. Or next week. I wish I had more backbone!

My first T was more of a blank slate. She also practiced psychodynamic therapy. I didn't like it. I felt like I spent more energy trying to find out about her than focusing on me.

My current T is the opposite. She tells me about her and her family if it's relevant. I know a lot about her because therapy is in her house, and I see her photos and her things in the house. I also have met her husband and children. She says I can ask her anything, though she may not answer me all of the time.

Curiously, I became attached to each of my Ts regardless of their orientation.

Moonrise, if you discover that it really bothers you a lot to have a T who is a blank slate, I'd suggest changing Ts. Her orientation isn't good or bad, but you need to be comfortable with it and with her in order for therapy to be successful.

I would try to bring this up if you can, if your T is psychodynamically oriented, my guess is he will definately be interested.

I know I may be unusual, but I can't tell you how much I have learned about myself from the attributes (totally unfounded) I have ascribed to my T. With each rupture and repair, or fantasy we've looked at how I view him in the context of my past, and used it to identify problems in how I relate in general in the present.

It was very hard I will admit and I did try to bring his personality into the therapy room (I think that is normal) in the first phases of therapy, but looking back over the years, I see how much he really cared about me and my therapy by keeping himself out. I'm grateful for his discipline in that regard.

i think wanting to know about T is perhaps an issue of control?..iask therefore you must tell me...nothing i have ever found out about T has aided my therapy....its being with her and with our feelings in the moment where the healing happens...

I don't think knowing any specifics about former T were what mattered to me. It came from the sense that I was interacting with a real, live, warm, flawed human being...just like myself... that made it easier for me to allow my own flaws, my own doubts, my own fears, my own vulnerability... Once I felt his being human, I was then ready to let myself be human with him. This was huge for me in therapy.

Brightheart, I think you hit it dead on. I wish I had read this before my session yesterday, because that's what it is all about. I just couldn't articulate it.

All I brought up in therapy about this was the whole "do you have kids" thing. I wasn't able to generalize, because I couldn't figure out why it was that I wanted to know, and I knew she'd ask.

In the end, she wouldn't tell me if she has kids. But I figured as much. Even though I feel like I was able to articulate my reasons well, she's still a blank slate.

moonrise: So, how do you feel now about your T and whether you can tolerate her blank slate philosophy? Are you going to tell her what Brightheart posted next time?

I'm feeling pretty horrible, actually. debating to go back or not.

Talk to her about this. It's bothering you, and at least you will get her take and philosophy on this from the horse's mouth so to speak. You need to do at least that.

You're right. I ended up calling her, and she scheduled me in for later this week. I had no idea she would do that. So we should get this figured out. Either way, at least we'll have had a frank conversation about it.

Good for you. It will be a relief just to get an answer I would bet.

(((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))

GOOD for you. I think this sounds like a really important thing to go and talk about in a really honest and open way.

I know that my T has changed some things to meet my needs...but we talked a LOT about it first. He has been really willing to hear what I need, and take what he knows and how he works, and sort of mixes all of that together to tailor my therapy to me. I think some T's have an eclectic way of doing therapy that draws from many different schools of thought, so there is some flexibility there. Perhaps your T falls into this group of Ts??

I do know that some Ts are strictly psychodynamic, and have a strong belief in the "blank slate" approach. I'm sure they do this out of caring, and out of wanting to provide the best therapy they can to their clients, even though it might FEEL not-very-nice in those moments that you are longing for more.

I hope you appointment goes well, moon! Let us know how it went, okay?

Tree, you're making me cry -It's just been one of those days. thanks for understanding.

I, too, hope your appointment goes well and you two can come to some understanding about this. I suspect you will since you both are willing to talk about it.

I wish you peace until then.

In my session today my T just unexpectedly came right out and said "it is ok for you to ask me questions, you know. I might not answer all of them, but you can ask"

Holy geez!! Made me aware of the extent to which I keep her at a distance by not being curious, not asking about all that human stuff that makes a therapist not just a therapist, but someone with whom I can build a healing relationship. I thanked her for giving me permission. Part of being trapped in 'being a good girl' mode is that I never assume it is ok to actually try to move closer to someone. Have to change that!

Anyhow, moonrise, I hope you have an equally good experience when you see your T