So much to say; so little time **possible trigger**

Hi ((farmergirl)),
I wish I had read this sooner. I think you are living my life and seeing my T! Three years ago I fell apart because of my son's behaviors. They really had nothing to do with me but as T says, they blew open all of my childhood trauma. Once I understood what was happening I began to try and contain myself for the sake of my son. T has been difficult as we work through the trauma, and I have found it so challenging to stay in the present when I need to and not let incidents from long ago interfere with my relationships now. Some of the things that have helped me are listening to mindfulness lectures by Pema Chodron; PTSD healing recordings by Bellaruth Naparstek and literally reminding myself that I am in the now. Yoga is very helpful in keeping me grounded, as is avoiding being alone too much. Actually any kind of exercise helps keep me present in my body and in the now.

Of course, that means I have to catch myself when I am time tripping. I think that self-care is a big piece of the puzzle here and trying not to get over stressed or overtired, because that brings on my depression and anxiety, and they bring on my dissociative coping. If you don't trust yourself or other household members with the anxiety meds, can you ask H or a friend to hold them and dispense them for you? I think you are doing a great job and you are a caring Mom. Stay the course, it sounds like you know yourself well.

Thanks. Things are beginning to settle down for me. The flashbacks have stopped and I'm feeling much more clear headed. If I can get my sleep habits in line that will help a great deal. The weekend has come, so we'll see how it goes.

Sannah, this isn't about suppressing my past. This is about choosing to put it aside. Two completely different things. This is a very conscious choice. Suppression is an unconscious reaction to not dealing with things.

((((((((((((Chris))))))))))))

Sounds like you and T are working hard to help you move through this in the way that you need to for your son and yourself.

Slowing down my thinking is a huge part of coping for me...although it's hard for me to see or understand that when I'm in crisis.

Would it help to write down the things T is telling you, so you can refer back to it when your thinking starts spiraling out again??

Oh, I've been journalling relentlessly. That's starting to slow down too. My whole system is much calmer.

journalling is good, sometimes some exercise even walking can help. From what you have said about the flashbacks, not wanting to go to sleep at night (hypervilgience), not being able to keep your mind off those triggering thoughts, or feeling frozen (numbing of the senses) makes me think you are suffering from PTSD.
If that is the case, you just can't will things to go away. In fact the more energy you put in NOT thinking about stuff, will actually cause you to think MORE about it.

My T says that things happen when you have kids that can be BIG triggers to things in the past, she has seen this in a lot of SA and physical and emotional abuse survivors. I forgot how old your son it, but can you just tell him one on one that you aren't feeling well right now, that you still love him and that you are trying to get better? Kids usually know something is wrong anyway, but if you tell them the truth that you aren't doing well, it helps take away some of their anxiety.

I am not sure bringing your child into therapy was good timing for this by your T. Farmergirl, I care about you and am thinking about you.

I do have PTSD. My son is in therapy for his own needs. His therapy is an entirely different issue. We have had some family sessions recently concerning our son's issues. That is why we have been in session together.

Chris, I am glad that you are feeling better. Miss Charlotte's post highlights that 1) she understood what was happening and she continued to do her own work on her past. What I hear from you is that you are trying to deny that your triggering is even valid or normal. I just feel that this is being very unfair to yourself.

I really agree with EF here! I especially like her idea to be upfront with your son. This is the best idea! And finally, I was also wondering how one T can take care of 2 people? From the beginning of this post I have just felt that you needed more Chris. I really, really disagree with one person having to over sacrifice for another person. I really just don't feel that it is necessary. Everyone's needs can be balanced. Your son can know that you love him dearly and that you would do anything for him but that you are having issues too and that you are working on them and that everything will work out. This communication, like EF has pointed out, will go so far in helping your son through this. Frequently the lack of communication about something is worse than the initial thing or at least the same level. I just believe in working with things the way they are instead of making things more difficult...........

I am not sacrificing myself for my son. T is taking good care of me. I am choosing to set aside memories that have nothing to do with what is going on. That isn't a sacrifice. That is simply an act of responsibility, self-care, and love. All three of our children are aware of our mental health issues. They are well communicated.

Oh, Okay. I was under the impression that he attended your therapy concerning your issues. :-) sorry.

mental health and parenting...I remember T once saying that my children will have difficulities because of my difficulities, but its hard to see, its hard to try and put aside our difficulities and for me I get afraid that they poke out one way whillst I look the other...we have to just keep on keeping on and hope.

There's definitely a lot of "just keep on keeping on" going on here. I slept well last night for the first time in quite awhile. But today I'm just feeling flat, numb, depressed. It's okay. I'm pretty used to it.