yesterday i was talking to my T about how things were when I was an adoescent, particularly between my mother and me. She asked me at some point if my mother may have felt helpless. I wasn't sure where the question was coming from, but after thinking for a moment I said "well she may have felt helpless. My father was a crazy alcoholic" She replied "yes, it is always easier to blame someone else"
I took that to mean that my mother was blaming my father for how she was, but when I was on my way home I wondered if she meant it was me blaming my father, when it was me who was making my mother feel helpess.
I was awake most of the night trying to figure out if my own behaviour was actually the reason my mother treated me the way she did. I can see that she was likely exasperated by the fact that I went from being an A student to cutting a lot of classes and getting marks as low as F's in some classes. But that was the extent of what she had to deal with. I was not rebellious, never expressed anger, did not cause trouble I was pretty much who I am today, terrified and compliant. My acting out in school was my way of trying to express to the people there that something was wrong at home There was no help to be had at home, but I guess some part of me hoped someone would do something.
The only other idea I have is that if I was as hard for my mother to 'reach' as I am for my T, then maybe that made her feel helpless Except my mother never tried to reach me. She was not at all interested in me or how I felt or what I thought. If I seemed upset she would not ask "what's wrong?" she would tell me to snap out of it and put a smile on my face.
Anyhow, today I am stuck in this awful thought/feeling that while my other's abuse of me may have been painful, it was my own fault because I made her feel helpless and she did not know how to cope with me.
My adult self can tolerate this thought because she is distanced from the situation and is really nothing but a brain. But my kid selves are falling into despair. If it was their fault, then...they should just shut up and grow up. They should feel as sorry for my mother as they do for themselves. Surely this is not where my therapist was trying to get me to go?
I know I will have to ask her, but I don't see her again till the 19th and meanwhile today I am paralysed and very messed up.
Thanks for 'listening'

[iGottaBme]

I hear you saying that if you behaved differently and were not so hard to reach that your mother would have accepted you but then you go on to say that she wasn't interested. As a child, your behavior has nothing to do with how your mother relates to you. It was her job to reach out to you instead of focusing on her alcoholic husband. It is easy to blame or scapegoat an alcoholic because they are so deserving. However, everyone has a place in the dance. Your mother may have felt helpless but she was not. If she had focused more on you, she may not have felt so helpless because she would have had her energy elsewhere. There is true helplessness in the world, but for most people it is a state of mind.

I think that your T is trying to get you to see how everyone participated in your situation. It is hard to place responsibility on alcoholic spouses because they go through so much. It is easy for them to fly under the radar. It's tricky stuff.

Originally Posted by iGottaBme

It is easy to blame or scapegoat an alcoholic because they are so deserving.

The truth is that she blamed and scapegoated me. I was supposedly the biggest problem in the family. I know now of course that this is not uncommon where there is a much bigger problem that no one wants to deal with.

However, everyone has a place in the dance...I think that your T is trying to get you to see how everyone participated in your situation.

My sense of it is still that she was trying to get me to see more of my own part in it. But I think I am misunderstanding what that means. I think there may be some black and white thinking happening and she is trying to point that out. As I said, I'll just have to ask her.
Thanks for your reply

[moonrise]

Your mother may well have felt helpless because of both your father and you. But like so many other feelings, we can't make anyone feel anything. Your mom may have felt helpless because your grades were failing and she didn't know what to do. Does that make you a bad daughter? No, that makes you a normal daughter.

It can be easy to fall into the trap of "it's all my fault". But it's not. Your grades were just one small factor in a whole lot of messed up stuff between your parents. Your kid selves may cling on to the self blame because it's somehow easier to digest than saying "I was screwed over in life, and it's not fair, and it hurts and it sucks".

When I read what you T said, it sounds to me as if she's talking about your mom's helplessness over your dad's alcoholism. And even if your mom did feel helpless about you, that says more about her than it does about you.

Thanks moonrise. I also need to remember that whatever was going on it was a looong time ago! In any case, i did get out of the narrow place I had worked my way into this morning.

thanks for the nudges

ripley, i do think your T was saying that was easier for your mom to focus on your dad's alcoholism than deal with her own issues which were probably being co-dependent to him. i don't think T was saying that to you at all. if it keeps bugging you then can you put in a quick call to T?

Thanks bloom.
At this moment I think she was trying to get me to see things a bit more 3 dimensionally. She has done this before and I always react quite strongly as it feels like she is suddenly on my mother's side and not on mine. That is not her intention, but it freaks me out, and as my response shows, I have a hard time even staying on my own side.
I did think about calling her when I was such a mess this morning, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. For now I seem to be ok, thanks to my helpers here at PC

[moonrise]

I'm glad you're doing better, Ripley. Sometimes time (and posting) make all the difference. I've been known to freak out when my previous T would say something that made me feel like she was on my mom's side. She never was - but I know how perceptions can get skewed.

[BlueMoon6]

Ripley- You know, I would have been up all night wondering what my therapist would have meant and if I were to blame or my child selves were to blame for my mothers troubles. The first thing I would have thought to do would be to call T and clarify that with her. I say that because for me, and maybe for you too, the thought of yet another person being on my poor mother's side is very triggering for me. It triggers all kinds of feelings of despair and that I am alone in what I know or feel the situation to have been.

I cant say I know for sure what your T meant, but I would find it hard to believe that she would mean that you are at fault and you are blaming your father. My guess is that your mother probably blamed her alcoholic husband for her troubles instead of looking at whatever her own issues might have been. If you really are wondering, call T to clarify. That would be a real hard one for me to hear, that it is easy to blame someone else. I, too, was the scapegoat and was blamed and feel guilty to this day for who knows what crime. Id tend to hear that I am blaming someone else for what again is MY fault.

Hugs to you

[wonderingmary]

Originally Posted by ripley

yesterday i was talking to my T about how things were when I was an adoescent, particularly between my mother and me. She asked me at some point if my mother may have felt helpless. I wasn't sure where the question was coming from, but after thinking for a moment I said "well she may have felt helpless. My father was a crazy alcoholic" She replied "yes, it is always easier to blame someone else"
I took that to mean that my mother was blaming my father for how she was, but when I was on my way home I wondered if she meant it was me blaming my father, when it was me who was making my mother feel helpess.
'

There have been a lot of replies to this post, most of them speculating on what the therapist meant by her comment. But the way I see it, the therapist is responsible for communicating what she means. She didn't. It shouldn't be your responsibility to figure out what she meant. In my experience, these "cryptic" comments are all too common in therapy. I hope you ask her what she meant. And I hope she apologizes for being unclear.

[Harleystreet]

this is awesome writing. u r really fabulous......