[deliquesce]

getting depressed. duh. that's what happens when you go off your meds (although, there was always the possibility that it wouldn't happen, but whatevs. science experiment over).

so i know i need to see austin-t.
and pdoc.
and get back onto meds.

but i dont want to see any of them. and i can't remember what dose i was on to just go back on meds myself.

maybe i can ask my pharmacist. but he will get upset and call pdoc.

i dont know why i withdraw when things get tough. i know i'm dreading seeing austin-t, because it means i have only difficult conversations to look forward to, and difficult commitments to follow through on. i dont want any of that.

but pdoc is safer, and all i need is my correct dose again.
*grouch grouch grouch*

i wonder why i'm feeling so rotten.

anyone else out there wanting to join the self-defeatist club?

Originally Posted by deliquesce

so i know i need to see austin-t.
and pdoc.
and get back onto meds.

but i dont want to see any of them. and i can't remember what dose i was on to just go back on meds myself.

maybe i can ask my pharmacist. but he will get upset and call pdoc.

can you explain to the pharmacist that you went off the meds with pdoc's permission for a trip abroad? i don't think he'll be upset with you.

i dont know why i withdraw when things get tough.

i totally do this. i had a huge depression meltdown yesterday and i scared myself it was so bad. i withdraw out of shame. i do it when i feel like ***** and don't want anyone else to see me like that. i think sometimes we think others will treat us as we were treated as children. i'm slowly realizing not everyone is that mean to mistreat us for making a mistake.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

anyone else out there wanting to join the self-defeatist club?

Raising hand.....

I too am feeling the depression sink back in and want to close myself off to the world. I have been fighting it....but I'm too tired of the fight.

oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

pick me...pick me...pick me!!!!

can i play????!!!!!

pleeeeeeeeeeezzze??!!!

ah hell i feel like a charter member...hide away..i burrow so deep they need an expedition to find me.

[chaotic13]

I think the burrowing behavior for me is a protective response. You're feeling bad, you don't want others to know or to feel bad also, so you quarentine yourself. This way, your not vulnerable to attack when your not feeling like you can protect yourself and you THINK you are doing good by others by keeping your contagious "feeling bad" sickness away from others.

The problem is of course...you end up avoiding the cure that can help you...and your withdraw leaves others feeling bad anyway.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I think the burrowing behavior for me is a protective response. You're feeling bad, you don't want others to know or to feel bad also, so you quarentine yourself. This way, your not vulnerable to attack when your not feeling like you can protect yourself and you THINK you are doing good by others by keeping your contagious "feeling bad" sickness away from others.

The problem is of course...you end up avoiding the cure that can help you...and your withdraw leaves others feeling bad anyway.

THIS. I can't say it any better. This is me in every way.

[deliquesce]

bloom - pharmy won't get upset/angry with me, he's just one of those lovely people who is super concerned (and very play by the book). i often feel like i need to put on a happy face for him when i go in, because he so wants me to be feeling better.

i ended up sending a txt to austin-t, he said he will call me tomorrow to schedule an appt next week. i dont really want to talk about the depression stuff, more just some stuff i need cleared up: why he won't talk about suicide and if he really is ok with me continuing to see him.

aaah, feck, my parents are yelling at each other again. makes me go head-fuzzy.

in kind of nice news i got head hunted for a different uni/hospital today. so if my current job goes bottom up i can transfer there in march. also my supervisor has given me research to start doing, and i always do better when i can keep my mind occupied. having summer holidays (with nothing to keep my mind whirring) typically sends me into the abyss.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Deli)))))) The research is a great idea!

Here's my advice...please be honest with austin-t! Pleeeeease.....he is there to help you.....why else are you there? I know you have all kinds of reasons....but pleeeease be honest and truthful to get the hlep you need.....can bluey beg????

About the meds...well, you know it takes a while for everything to kick in, so the sooner you start, the better, dont you think? f*** 'em all, start those meds! OK- enough commands from bluey.....

[deliquesce]

thanks, blue .

i'm prepared to be honest with austin-t, so long as i know he's not trying to get rid of me any time soon, and also once i understand his stance on (not) talking about suicide. the stuff we're building up to (the same stuff you're talking about with ftt) - it's put me in a bad place before. pdoc even suggested hospitalisation because i stopped eating (depression, not due to ed). was able to pull through without, but i need to make sure austin-t is someone i can count on, otherwise there is no point even starting that conversation. i don't want to talk about "it" in particular, but i know it'll come up when talking about moving out of home etc. i get that moving out will be good for me (finally!), but i'm still scared to do it. both because of immediate repercussions, and also scared of coping by myself in the long run.

re: meds. they only take 48hrs to work their magic. if things get worse i'll go back on them, but i'm currently compiling a list of good food i have to eat before venturing back . thai food, good cheese & wine, avocado etc - here i come!

[fallenangel337]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

anyone else out there wanting to join the self-defeatist club?

*jumps in*

I'm right there with you. I also stopped my meds, except it was due to my own stupidity as opposed to a prior agreement. I'm fully prepared to be called an idiot now.

I'm totally sinking right back as well. I'm definitely feeling my mood and level of functioning dropping quickly. Back to the meds for me.

I hope everything goes well for you.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

I think the burrowing behavior for me is a protective response. You're feeling bad, you don't want others to know or to feel bad also, so you quarentine yourself. This way, your not vulnerable to attack when your not feeling like you can protect yourself and you THINK you are doing good by others by keeping your contagious "feeling bad" sickness away from others.

The problem is of course...you end up avoiding the cure that can help you...and your withdraw leaves others feeling bad anyway.

Yes most deffinately
Damned if you do...damned if you don't....
I choose "no"

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

....
I choose "no"

I know where you're coming from, but speaking just for me, I;ve chosen "no" for too long.
WIth every "no" my life path gets narrower.
That's precisely what I hope therapy can do for me: help me to stop avoiding, hiding away, and take a risk, say "yes" to life.
it's scary, it's a pain in the patoot, it's complex and puzzling and discouraging at times but ... gotta try.