Not a very productive session

I saw my t this afternoon. I've really numbed myself out. Not my best coping mechanism, but that's all I've got right now. It makes for a pretty unproductive therapy session.

I know we talked about my sister's illness. Right now, like I said, I'm so numb about it that I just can't express myself well. We talked about my son and the impending situation with him. Again, I just can't even think about it right now. He didn't push me too hard today. He knows where I'm at. He's seen this before.

I'm very depressed. Just about as low as I get without being suicidal. If I wasn't so numb, I probably would be. It's my self-protection right now.

Wednesday we have another family session. I don't want to go. I want to hide from it. I don't want to be there. I'm afraid I'll feel.

So, numb and depressed it is.

farmgirl, sorry your in a difficult time at the moment, but sometimes what appears pointless, isn't...just the fact you had someone to go to and be numb with may work out to be the difference...

((((((((((((((fg))))))))))))))) please make sure you take care of yourself during this difficut time and that you surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive. I was numb for a very long time, I believe it helped me get through some of the worst moments of my life. You will have time to process and feel and get perspective.

You are dealing with so much - and your body can only handle so much of it. And it's good that you are so aware of your numbness and how it's a form of self-protection.

Sometimes you need to just be where you are, which is hard. I always tried hanging onto knowing that this too shall pass...although at my lowest points, it was hard to imagine.

Oh farmergirl. I'm sorry. Will you be able to reach out to your T if you dip below your threshold of depression, and get suicidal? Numbing is a way of protecting yourself, and if it's keeping you safe for the moment, I'm all for it. Sometimes there's only so much we can handle. I'm so glad your T understands this. You've been seeing him for quite awhile, correct?

Thanks. Yes, I've been seeing him for 5 years now. He knows me in and out. He'd like me to be feeling though. He'd like me to be communicating with someone. Without communication, I lose my reality check, as he puts it. He says I'm spending too much time thinking about the future. Said that sounds strange to say to me because he's usually telling me just the opposite, I'm spending too much time in the past. But right now it's the future that I'd like to avoid. So when I think of anything right now, I just numb out. Not a very functional coping mechanism. It won't work for long. It will come back to bite me in the b*tt. I don't really care right now I guess.

(((((((((((( Chris )))))))))))))

Today is our session with our t. I want to find an excuse not to go. I've never wanted to skip a therapy session believe it or not, but I really want to skip this one. Last week's session was so painful; I don't want to feel that again. I just don't want to feel. Still very numb and depressed. I may leave a message with my t just letting him know where I'm at ahead of time.

Well, I did leave a message with t that I was dreading our session with our son this afternoon and that I was really worried about how I would handle it.

But I went . . . . He did keep the session a bit lighter today, so I did okay. At the end of the session he told me he did get my message, and that I've got to stop "that numbing stuff". He also told me he's changed his mind about how to handle this whole issue with our son. It is a relief and a load off.

My sister said the transplant team will be sending me the swab to test if I am a match as a bone marrow donor. I hope I am.

T said again, I've got a lot on my plate right now. Handling all of these events is difficult. I'm still pretty numb about things and depression level is still high, but I am relieved about my son's situation.

yayyy! You were brave to go, and yr T made things easier for you andhad rethought how he was going to handle everyting, becuase of your input (I love this). I would say that was a very productive session ! Thanks so much for sharing the oucome of yr meeting.
Dear Chris, I will keep you & yr son in my prayers.

((((((Farmergirl))))))Im so glad you went to your appt. I think your therapist knows what he is doing with you by keeping it light and changing direction with your son.

You have so much you are dealing with now, I think Id numb out and get depressed , too. I use both of those things to cope, too and they work really well, at least temporarily.

Please stay safe and take care of FG Can you stay in the moment? Sometimes that helps me....you are OK for the moment, your son is OK and your sister is OK? The future is not set in stone

Thanks guys. My old t from college wrote me a real nice email today too. I know I have a lot of people thinking about me, and that does help. My sister gave me the contact information for the transplant team last night. I start tests next week. There is a 1 in 4 chance that my other sister or I will be a match. They think my other sister will be able to be a donor since she did not go through chemo with her cancer, so that's one more person to test. Beyond siblings, everyone else is pretty much on an even playing field as far as match goes.

I'm in for a long weekend. I see t on Monday. I hope I manage okay.

This is good news! Possibly because he saw how it was affecting you??

No, I don't think so. He laid out his reasons for his change in plans, being pretty careful to tell me that even though this is his plan right now, there may come a time when he'll still have to follow through with this. None of his reasoning had anything to do with me. This is a possible legal issue, and he has to do what he is legally bound to do. I understand the position he is in.

On another note, just because I could use a bit more stress , I was told this morning that I have to move out of my classroom. It is being given to the video journalism teacher. I don't need this crap right now.