[Christina86]

Sooooooooooooooooooo...

Christina hasn't been committed into hospital yet!

Yay? Maybe yay? I dunno.

Had the appt with him last week (pdoc) and he seemed relieved I was no longer "batshit crazy" (my words, not his ) and wanting to do any number of bad things to myself.

Odd, but he still wanted to see me in two weeks. I probably shouldn't have told him that I normally do a depressive cycle down (really far down) and then seem normal for a while, and then go wayyyyyy back down again and then am finally ACTUALLY normal for a long period of time. Well, until the next depressive cycle anyways, but REGARDLESS...

Sighs.

I talked about it here... or maybe in Abuse... about how once upon a time he wanted to know about my abuse history stuff. Well, about one incident of major importance anyway. But we never got around to it. I brought it up at last session.

And now I think I've all but convinced myself to actually go through talking about it next session (next week, Thursday at noon!). OMIGOSH. I dont want to back out of this, because I *know* I trust him and I *know* he can handle it and he could probably handle *me* having a complete meltdown... but I don't know if *I* could handle it knowing someone else knows...

Understand? Maybe? Or maybe I just dont want to make his office unsafe.

How exactly does one make an office "safe" to discuss this stuff?
Beyond grounding exercises, which I do know some of.
And breathing exercises, that I always forget in the moment of crisis.
And visualization techniques, which I can't get to unless someone coaches me through them.



What should I even be doing? Bringing a stuffed animal (I'm seriously considering it)? Lots of kleenex (also considering it, the stuff in the office is icky)?

What happens if the office becomes unsafe? Or he gets associated with bad things?

ARGH. I AM SO OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING AGAIN. BLARGH.

I do trust him. I trust him more than my therapist, which probably is because I see her so infrequently and we meet at a local church because of accessibility issues at her office and the church is definitely NOT a cool place to be "safe" because of one too many issues. AND the fact is, that anytime we're away from therapy for a longer period of time I tend to forget all the stuff I should remember that I learned in therapy.

Halp? Please? Christina is a tiny bit lost here and needs help. Okay, a lot of help. She's also seriously considering a hospitalization if I go off the deep end after talking about this. Which may happen, maybe not. I dont know how I'd react actually. Probably cry a lot, but who knows what else.

I *AM* going to talk about it unless we go off on a tangent elsewhere in session. My decision, not his (pdoc). If I dont start progressively trying to fix myself I'll be in therapy forever, not that I dont like talking about myself, but therapy is free-ish now, and wont be once Im out of school!

[deliquesce]

deli took a cardi and wore a nice pair of shoes. she sat in the chair and doubled over and put the cardi over her head and had a nice pair of shoes to stare at for the hour. pdoc commented that she had a nice pair of shoes, too, so maybe he stared at them the whole time too.

the session itself was ok because pdoc did most of the talk and i nodded/shook my head under the cardi. pdoc knows me enough to know when i need grounding but i was too hyperalert to dissociate or anything. i remember leaving feeling so good. i couldn't have asked for anything more from that session. pdoc was brilliant.

truth be told, i dont know about afterwards and how it could have been different. pdoc's office became scary afterwards. pdoc became very scary. this was all me (of course). he referred to himself once or twice as my "doctor" and it triggered me that he was trying to withdraw because he was disgusted with me etc.

pdoc did help me a lot with that, though. he said it was to be expected and it was ok that i was having a crisis over it. he sent me a lot of txts and phone calls between sessions so i could feel safe enough to return for the next appt.

one thing i will say was that it was either talk or be hospitalised. i chose to talk, and did have a crisis afterwards, but it wasn't a depressive one - more anxiety, and anxiety is something i can cope with a lot better. it took a few months for me to feel ok with pdoc again, and i'm still working on it (i'm exposed now, i can't take it back), but i do think it's helped a lot in my healing.

good luck, christina .

[Christina86]

Note to self: Find something to stare at. Although he does have a window out on the street where I spend most of my session looking anyways.

Sighs. I'm worrying over mostly nothing, I know that. But I've never told the WHOLE thing to anyone - not even to the therapist who figured out the abuse stuff. Well for him, it was more of a newspaper report and not Christina feeling anything. Something she's awfully good at - not feeling. (Sighs again)

I can't ask for a better psychiatrist. But I'm scared about what will happen afterward. If he'll change his opinion of me. If I'll feel worse. Or God forbid, feel better. (I'm not so sure about that... but it can happen)

Thanks deli! You're the bestest.

[Giabrina]

Hi, I just read your post and unfortunately I don't have any answers for you or advice. I did, however, want to be supportive and let you know that I hope you can open up and talk more about it. Your post also made me realize how much I avoid talking about my issues (because to me they seem so insignificant) but I am obviously still bothered by them so they must be affecting me. Let me know if you work up the courage to talk about everything in your next appointment, and if you do -- then please send some of that courage my way!

[mixedup_emotions]

Something you said really struck me - about not wanting to make his office unsafe. Hmmm. I'll have to give that one some thought....

I hate feeling the anticipation of a deep session, and I know I'd be feeling the same way as you right about now.

You are overthinking it, and leaning towards disasterous outcomes. I would be too...LOL

How about you try taking some deep breaths and associating this with finally being free of what you've held onto for oh so long? FINALLY! It might feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you.

Easier said than done, I know....

[zooropa]

I had a lot of those worries, too, about T's office feeling unsafe after I started telling her, or T herself feeling unsafe. I haven't experienced that, as horribly difficult as some of the trauma sessions have been I don't have a negative association with her office, it still feels like the same safe, peaceful place it always has. PHEW!

As far as T herself, she feels safe too. I had a lot of anxiety of how she would think about me, that she wouldn't believe me mostly and I'm still working on that but now T knows that so she is always telling me that she believes me when I give her new info. I also worry that she will think I'm disgusting, and that has stopped me from being able to give her details about some things. I'm still stuck with that. I've given her enough incidental details that she probably knows what I'm not telling her, but I can't say it.

In cases like that, I'm relying a lot on the fact that T has experience in this and is good at what she does. Maybe later I can give her more details, it's probably going to come out anyway since it's always in my head but I can't get it to come out in words yet.

Anyway! One thing that has helped me is T will usually hand me some silly putty or something like that to manipulate when I'm talking about something especially difficult. It helps keep me grounded, keeps me from digging my nails into my palms or arms, and gives me something to intently focus my gaze on because there is NO WAY I can look at T while I'm telling her this stuff.

I actually carry silly putty and glitter lava in my purse now, so I can get grounded if anxiety hits me when I'm out and about. Not that I ever think to grab it when that happens, but that's the idea...

hope this helps you a little bit, Christina. Good luck on Thursday!!

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by Giabrina

Hi, I just read your post and unfortunately I don't have any answers for you or advice. I did, however, want to be supportive and let you know that I hope you can open up and talk more about it. Your post also made me realize how much I avoid talking about my issues (because to me they seem so insignificant) but I am obviously still bothered by them so they must be affecting me. Let me know if you work up the courage to talk about everything in your next appointment, and if you do -- then please send some of that courage my way!

*sends courage* I'm hoping I do talk about it, with all the freaking out I'm doing now I better put the energy to something!! Thanks for the support

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Something you said really struck me - about not wanting to make his office unsafe. Hmmm. I'll have to give that one some thought....

I hate feeling the anticipation of a deep session, and I know I'd be feeling the same way as you right about now.

You are overthinking it, and leaning towards disasterous outcomes. I would be too...LOL

How about you try taking some deep breaths and associating this with finally being free of what you've held onto for oh so long? FINALLY! It might feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you.

Easier said than done, I know....

I hate overthinking, I'm reading this book about Eating, Drinking and Overthinking and how it's a bad cycle for women to get caught in (specifically a book for women) and I realize how much I overthink EVERYTHING. And I hate it. A weight being lifted off would be nice... I think my mind is suffering as a result of trapped by this for too long. Thanks

Originally Posted by zooropa

I had a lot of those worries, too, about T's office feeling unsafe after I started telling her, or T herself feeling unsafe. I haven't experienced that, as horribly difficult as some of the trauma sessions have been I don't have a negative association with her office, it still feels like the same safe, peaceful place it always has. PHEW!

As far as T herself, she feels safe too. I had a lot of anxiety of how she would think about me, that she wouldn't believe me mostly and I'm still working on that but now T knows that so she is always telling me that she believes me when I give her new info. I also worry that she will think I'm disgusting, and that has stopped me from being able to give her details about some things. I'm still stuck with that. I've given her enough incidental details that she probably knows what I'm not telling her, but I can't say it.

In cases like that, I'm relying a lot on the fact that T has experience in this and is good at what she does. Maybe later I can give her more details, it's probably going to come out anyway since it's always in my head but I can't get it to come out in words yet.

Anyway! One thing that has helped me is T will usually hand me some silly putty or something like that to manipulate when I'm talking about something especially difficult. It helps keep me grounded, keeps me from digging my nails into my palms or arms, and gives me something to intently focus my gaze on because there is NO WAY I can look at T while I'm telling her this stuff.

I actually carry silly putty and glitter lava in my purse now, so I can get grounded if anxiety hits me when I'm out and about. Not that I ever think to grab it when that happens, but that's the idea...

hope this helps you a little bit, Christina. Good luck on Thursday!!

I am intrigued by this "glitter lava". I know what silly putty is, I may have to get something like that since otherwise I will wind up doing something not altogether good to my hands. I'm glad things didn't wind up "unsafe" for you, I was worried that it was an altogether "certain" thing to happen and that would epically suck since I really do want to continue to actually like this psychiatrist.

Thanks!

[zooropa]

I overthink things, too. Pretty much everything, actually. Overthinking is a major problem for me! And now that I have basically nothing but free time on my hands, it gives me countless hours for nothing but thinking and overthinking. This can be bad.

Anyway, glitter lava is kind of like silly putty but slightly...wetter? It also has glitter in it. I kind of love glitter, lol! I got it at Toys-R-Us when I went there looking for Silly Putty which they didn't have (weird!). When my T first introduced me to the idea of using something like that to get and stay grounded I went on a kick of looking at different stores for different types and colors of silly putty, because I'm obsessive like that. I didn't stop until I finally found some elusive PINK silly putty and also some purple that changes to pink when you hold it. YAY!

Ok, I'm rambling, but that's my silly putty story. I also got flarp which is noise putty that makes disgusting but very distracting and funny noises

Christina
Hey... I read your post and I have to say how brave you're being. You may not feel it, but , trust me, you are!
As for feeling unsafe in T's office after you talk...you trust T, right? Use that trust and build on it (like an image in your mind) Build a castle with a moat and T is "in charge". I did the same thing as you are planning,
freaked out a bit (ok..a lot) , dissociated, and became very unsafe, BUT my T was strong enough and our trust was strong enough that the safety of the office actually became stronger.It wasn't easy but it felt like a weight had been lifted. I thought my T would be disgusted with me. He wasn't at all. If anything, he was more kind, and invested in my health and safety. Trust yourself & you T. You brain and body won't let you down. Neither will your T.
p.s. if you read my previous post, believe that even with a rupture like my T and I had, that trust only gets stronger.

[Christina86]

Anxiety produces more anxiety. But if I could just TURN OFF the freaking anxiety then my life would be a 100% easier to deal with right now!!

Tomorrow's the day.

Christina is not exactly looking forward to it. But at this point, I'd be more upset if the topic somehow goes "off topic" and we DONT discuss this stuff, because otherwise I'll just be POed at myself for stressing myself out about it and not even discussing it!

I do wanna go, I don't wanna go... I know I've gotta go, but I don't know if I want to go... back and forth and back and forth.

(Ultimately I know that I'd feel horribly guilty if I DIDNT show up since it's right after the psychotherapy group he co-leads, so I'd have to skip that as well to skip the appt with him. And I DONT want to do that. So I know I'll go, otherwise I'll feel foolish and guilty. I hate emotions. They can go to something in a handbag...)

[zooropa]

((((christina)))) you can do this! I know that feeling of "I want to go/I don't want to go" SOOOO well. We will be thinking of you and we'll be with you in thought and spirit. Trust yourself, trust your T, it will be ok. Also? Don't forget to breathe.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by zooropa

((((christina)))) you can do this! I know that feeling of "I want to go/I don't want to go" SOOOO well. We will be thinking of you and we'll be with you in thought and spirit. Trust yourself, trust your T, it will be ok. Also? Don't forget to breathe.

Probably should've read that before now, huh?

Thanks (((((Zooropa)))))))))

I survived. I'm feeling emotionally... numb? Dead? Confused? Not entirely all there regardless...

Psychiatrist was actually really nice to me. So I did leave knowing that he did care about me and the whole thing didn't leave me wanting to avoid therapy for the rest of eternity, which is good.

Lots of stuff happened during session but I've got a headache right now so I'll come back later to update y'all...

I'm glad I did it, I just wish it didn't impact me the way it currently is doing though.

[BlueMoon6]

Christina- You are very, very brave. And made a huge step toward healing. I am very proud of you. Waiting for an update.

Take good, gentle care of Christina...she has been through a lot

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

Christina- You are very, very brave. And made a huge step toward healing. I am very proud of you. Waiting for an update.

Take good, gentle care of Christina...she has been through a lot

Christina still needs to learn how to take care of Christina. Session got a lot more complicated when I discussed ego states. As I figure there are three of "me" ... one who is childish and far too emotional, one who is far too angry and impossible to deal with, and then there is me - the one who is able to function and tries to act like an adult.

(Mostly I just slip into the other two states and am mostly mature... sometimes...)

****************TRIGGER WARNING****************************

****************TRIGGER WARNING*****************************



****************TRIGGER WARNING***************************

****************TRIGGER WARNING****************************


ANYWAY,

So. Session.

Get in, and we discuss meds. He then says, "as I recall, you wanted to share a "story" with me this week". And I'm like "uhuh". And then proceed to tell him how I pressured myself emotionally into doing it and he then tells me that I *could* always say "Nope, we're going to talk about anything else this week except for that".

Have I said I like my psychiatrist?? I do.

I asked if he wanted the newspaper or "Coles Notes" version, because I'm better with that - since it's not so emotionally draining for me because I leave most of the emotions out of it. He tells me to do whatever way is most comfortable.

(I really do like my psychiatrist, seriously he's made of awesome. Not in the transference sort of way, but still made of awesome)

First he wants to know how old I was, and I still cannot give an age estimate for the life of me. Mostly because my memory is absolute CRAP and who knows what my mind has shut out for me. Like I can't remember most of anything before grade eight... but anywaaaaaaaay...

So he's trying to help me pin down an age. We've decided it's between 13-17. Which is a HUGE *** time frame, but meh.

Then he says "Can I ask you some simple questions?" and I'm beginning to emotionally distance myself from just about everything because I KNOW what's going to happen next... so I say "ahuh" which is my version of "sure" when I start to lose my 'voice'...

So he asks where it was. What season it was. What time it was. (He already knew who it was, so he didn't ask me that thankfully).

Where it was I could answer. Season it was I couldn't. Time it was I answered "late".

And then I told him the story.

It was good. I tuned him out as he was trying in vain to get me to realize that it wasn't my fault, that it could never be my fault, and telling me that if it was ANYONE else in my position that I'd KNOW it wasn't THEIR fault, so how can it be my fault?

(I only remember this because he had to tell me twice )

Seriously though, I don't know if he knows how much of an emotional war this is on the issue of "fault" and "blame". Rationally I'm one way, emotionally I'm definitely NOT in line with rational thought!

I made darn sure to not use words that would upset me, and then he uses them anyway to make sure he "heard" what I was saying. (Sighs. Anatomy words is not something I want to get into).

And I'm a bloody space cadet, knowing that I'm going out of it I bring out my "secret weapon". From the discussion here with people, I brought along a friend of mine - his name is Buster, and he's a stuffed toy, a beagle (dog). Buster was a former pet/family member, and was put down years ago. And I love beagles as a result and own a half a dozen beagle plushies. ANYWAY, yeah I brought him out. And he didn't seem to know why so I had to 'splain that to him.

And then he asks me how I felt during the incident ... and I couldn't tell him because I couldn't even tell you how I was feeling recounting it to him... Trying very hard to not go crazy/space cadety.

And then somehow I start rambling and this is the part I was definitely out of it because I can't remember much at all (figures, I'm mostly there during the telling of everything and then "check out" emotionally after!)

... somehow I'm saying how I need to cut it out (the bad stuff) and how I need to breathe and get centred and how I cant breathe and...

He keeps asking me if he can speak to the rational 23 year old, which of course was NOT happening since I was stuck being a kid...

Then he does something that wasn't smart. Back in December before he 'threatened' to admit me into hospital for my own wellbeing, I gave him a sharp and pointy object that I had in my posession. Not sure why I had it, let alone why I gave it to him... but he had promised to dispose of it.

Guess what. He DIDNT. He kept it in his bloody desk drawer and brought it out.

And then the addictive side of me comes out and I get into an argument over ownership of it and how I wanted it back. And he's being calm and rational and saying "no" in so many words...

And I continue to argue with him anyway.

And then I shut down and pout.

Have a bit of bit of a cry and then he says that it was almost time for me to leave...

As I recall, I accused him of trying to get rid of me, freaked out some more, and just generally wasn't acting in any normal fashion that would make it a good idea to turf me out of my appt at that moment. Oh, and I told him that "sure, I'd leave" but I guess the expression on my face showed that if I did leave right now it would not be a healthy thing for me to do and would end badly (because right at that time, I swore up and down that my abstinence from certain addictions could take a hike because I needed to be grounded RIGHT NOW).

So he gets creative and says we're "taking a walk" around the health services centre (he works at my university, our health services is where you go to see a doctor, shrinks, counsellors, etc). He figures that by doing this that I'll be able to be more grounded because his other suggestion to have me sit with a nurse was NOT going to happen. I told him I'd just leave -- I like the nurses there and know them, but I didn't want someone to hug me, or act all motherly to me at that time and I *knew* they'd do it.

So we go for a walk. And this "walk" around the centre and back to his office takes 15 minutes longer than the appt.

(Oops I now know why he's regularly late for appts with me, some of his clients probably need the extra time!)

Oh... and he's all like "do you have the number for my other office?"

To which he gets this expression in response

Apparently he has an office in his house. He said that he'd not see me at his house (accessibility issues was his excuse, or one of them?) but that he's got an office there and I could call him for any emergencies. And he refused to clarify "emergency", said to just call him if I needed to talk to him. I haven't used it yet, maybe I never will... I told him I'd likely NOT be calling him if I was going to do something "bad" because there was no way I'd want him to know about it... and he gave me a look like "Christina, we're not getting into this discussion. Just call me and take care of yourself otherwise if you need it".

And so ends Christina's epic psychiatrist appt.

And as of today (Saturday)...

I've had a breakdown, called a friend to chat, texted friends, did retail therapy (which I'll likely return - books - due to lack of $) and STILL don't feel that much more centered and fantastic.

On the upside, I don't think I need to be hospitalized and I don't think right now that I'm at risk of relapsing in any of my addictive behaviours, so I guess that's a positive.

He's seeing me again in two weeks to go through meds stuff. But I see him on Thursday for group and if I still feel disconnected by then I'll be sure to let him know. Maybe earlier if I really need to. But I really don't want to call him at home. That just seems... invasive?

Thank you all for your support and caring.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Christina86

On the upside, I don't think I need to be hospitalized and I don't think right now that I'm at risk of relapsing in any of my addictive behaviours, so I guess that's a positive.

I'd say that is quite a positive.

[darkrunner]

Hi Christina,

If he thought it would be 'invasive' - he wouldn't have given you the number. I really hope you can reach out to him if you need to.

Why on earth do you think he pulled out the 'sharp and pointy object'? I don't undesrtand why he thought *that* was the right time for it.

You were very brave, and you are still working so hard coping with all of this.

I know it doesn't feel good right now, but I think you took a big brave step toward healing. Take care, ok?

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))

just wanted to say, I hope you are in a good space today.

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((((((((friends)))))))))))))))))

I called him. Three times yesterday. Leaving three different rambly messages. I was so emotionally out of it that it wasn't even funny. I hate nighttime, it makes everything worse. So I called him. I also had this annoying headache that WOULDNT GO AWAY. I was tempted to keep taking ibuprofen until it went away, instead I only took the recommended daily dose and then had a nap. When I woke up I left the two last messages.

Which he DIDNT respond to last night. Which I was irked about, but I kinda understood I guess. But I was tempted to do something irresponsible and I just needed him to know that I wasn't coping well. I've spent the entire weekend emotionally numb and stuff.

He called this morning at 9am. Apparently I am TOLD to appear tomorrow morning at his office at 9am, so we can "talk". He seemed... worried? I'm not the greatest with phone conversations... for a laugh, here's the beginning of the conversation...

*rings*
Him: Hello
Me: (recognizing his voice) Oh s***.
Him: It's me, your favourite psychiatrist. (His tone made me laugh inside )
Me: OH s***. Um... Hi?

I love that I wasn't expecting him to bother to call me back at all today, but was last night. It doesn't help he called before I was mostly conscious either!

So I guess I'm appearing at his office tomorrow...

[googley]

Christina-
I hope your meeting went okay. Let us know how it is going when you get the chance.

[Christina86]

Meeting, meh. It was alright, nothing particularly stellar. At the very least he told me I could call him again if I needed it, told me I wasn't crazy and that I was nowhere near needing hospitalization. So I guess all that is good? I don't remember anything specifically from the appt actually that stood out.

It was good, but inconsequential. Thanks for asking though I see him on Thursday in my psych group and then I see him in two weeks for another individual session.

(He did share some poetry that someone had written for him though, which was pretty cool. He also told me I could call to touch base if I needed it again. I did tell him I'd eventually get up the nerve to bring in some of my own poetry, but in a while... he said sometimes we just need to touch base to get grounded and read poetry and laugh. I laughed at something he said which was nice - I just can't remember what it was )

[darkrunner]

Christina,
Thanks for sharing this. It made me feel really happy that he is taking such good care of you after such a harrowing session.