I didn't have an appointment with my t until next Monday. It would be over two weeks between sessions. I called him yesterday letting him know that Monday seems like an eternity away, and I just need to sit with him for awhile. He saw me when I picked up my son from his appointment yesterday afternoon. T said I needed to figure out what is going on with my thinking and replace my thinking with rational thoughts, OR I could go on letting the little hamsters run around in my brain and end up more depressed (he's so subtle). My choice.

Anyway, today it is snowing in Dallas and we don't have school. T's secretary just called and said my t told her to schedule me for 2:00 today and give me a call to let me know. It really is nice to know he had me on his mind.

I'm really needing today's appointment. I'm not sure what is going on, but like he said, I think the hamsters are working really hard. He'll be able to slow that down and get me back on track.

[jennaorgana]

it seems you have a really close and very healthy relationship with your T! just to be able to be honest with him and except his honest opinions is awesome. a lot of people would love to have a T to Patient relationship like yours.

let us all know how the session goes

hugs from me

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

T said I needed to figure out what is going on with my thinking and replace my thinking with rational thoughts,

OR I could go on letting the little hamsters run around in my brain and end up more depressed (he's so subtle). My choice.

FG, do you remember the conversation that we had on this forum about superficial CBT and deeper CBT?

I remember you sharing here that this T doesn't believe in processing past trauma.

So then his CBT would be superficial???

No, that's not quite what I said. We look at trauma in relation to how it affects my thinking and living today. We just don't beat me about the head and shoulders with it. He chooses not to retraumitize me with old traumas. Does that make sense? We've looked at what happened to me in detail, but only once in detail. Now, when we look at my past, it is in more of a broad sense. We both know WHAT happened, now it is about what beliefs about myself did I take out of those experiences. That in itself is very painful. I've come to discover that it isn't so much WHAT happened to me that hurts so much; it is the thinking that I took out of those traumas that continue to haunt me. Nothing superficial about that. It's deep, hard work.

[Sannah]

Got it, good work and good luck with analysing those hamsters and seeing what they are up to and what the heck they are trying to do..........

Originally Posted by Sannah

Got it, good work and good luck with analysing those hamsters and seeing what they are up to and what the heck they are trying to do..........

Makes for an interesting visual image, doesn't it?

[Sannah]

I like structure. Structure helped me immensely in healing because putting things into a structure helps me to understand things and is comforting to me. This visualization would help me to structure what I needed to do.

[zooropa]

that's awesome, fg, it's great that T had you on his mind and was able to fit you in.

Interesting session. He asked me to describe what I am feeling. Among other things, I said I feel depressed. He said I have a depressive personality (no *****!). He asked when I first remember being depressed. That led to an entire session recalling my school years and what I did and thought about myself. I thought about things I haven't thought about in years.

I was always very critical of myself, very early on. I stayed scared and worried a great deal of the time. My thinking was skewed by the early SA I went through and it's stayed that way. He said I need to look at that old thinking and challenge it because I was wrong then, and I'm definitely wrong now.

I'm tired now. I didn't find it to be a particularly stressful session, just pensive I guess.

This could be pretty triggering . . .




One of the things I told my t today was how naive I was growing up. But a boy in 3rd grade came up behind me and play acted a sexual act, and I knew what he was doing. In 2nd grade some older boys were chasing me, and I "knew" what they would do to me if they caught me. I didn't have the words or understanding of it, but I had already been there. But already at that time, I wasn't aware of what had happened to me at a younger age. Does that make sense? From a very early age, I had a fear that it would happen to me, but I didn't realize that it had already happened to me. (I feel like I'm talking in circles.)

I took out of my early abuse the belief that I was completely different from everyone else. I've spent my life feeling different and damaged and in danger. Time to get past that.

[zooropa]

it makes sense, chris.

Thanks Zoo. I'm glad I made sense to someone.

No school today again because of snow, yet here I am at 5:30 already awake. Grr.

I feel the need to keep talking to t. We started something yesterday and it feels unfinished. I figured out some things for myself afterword that I want to run by him. Next appointment is Monday though.

[Sannah]

Great work fg!!! You go girl!!!

Thanks Sannah. I called my t's office thinking I might get in to see him today. But alas! They shut down for the day. Not important enough to call him at home. It will wait until Monday. I'll just keep journalling it all out. It'll give him good reading material Monday morning.

[WePow]

Chris, it is wonderful that you are doing this work and processing with T what you need to process. Your plan on how to make it through safely until Monday is great.

T and I managed to talk on the phone after he finished with his last patient today. He helped me reframe some of my thinking which was a huge help. I've been journalling incessantly since our session yesterday. I want him to read it all on Monday before we start talking. It's important to me that he sees what I've written.