After the yuck and anger of yesterday I see T at 1 today.

I sent him an e-mail last night. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I just listed out all of the things I wish I could say out loud to him - about the abuse, and about my feelings about it, and my feelings about myself, and my fears about him. I started typing and it just POURED out.

In some ways, it made me feel better. I think a lot of how awful I feel lately is the combination of REALLY having this stuff pushing at me, wanting to be told and purged...and my inability to open my mouth and just SAY it.

I'm not sure what I want out of session today. I think I need to talk about how it feels to tell him this stuff and have him sitting there looking at me. It's easier when he sits with me on the couch...maybe because he is WITH me. The perp when I was little was a family friend who used to sit in a chair and watch me play. Maybe T sitting and staring me reminds me too much of that

Blah.

[Fartraveler]

Tree,

safe hugs and caring to you,
and as always I am impressed with your insights and with how hard and how bravely you work on this stuff.

hope the session goes well.

-Far

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Tree))))) Im so glad you are having and extra session today. It is so awesome the way you follow your internal wisdom and do what you need to do to heal. T will be with you while you process this awful stuff and these experiences. You inspire me to face my fears when you face your with such courage.
Love and hugs to you

[moonrise]

((((tree)))) i hope you have a wonderful session. echoing what blue said, you inspire me.

[Sannah]

When any of us are uncomfortable with who we are we don't want to be looked at or seen. It is easier to hide when we are sitting next to someone. All we need to do is turn our bodies a bit and we aren't facing the person so much. If they are across the room a bit it is harder to hide.

[WePow]

((((( tree )))))) if you need him to sit on the couch with you, please just let him know. Tell him what you just told us about the looser cowared pig (sorry for offending real pigs) who abused you. T should respect that and do what is needed to make sure you are truly SAFE.

And BRAVO for YOU letting T know what you NEED right now!!!!!
THAT, my dear friend, takes Courage! (( courage said in the voice of the cowardly lion for the Wiz of Oz :-) )))

I will ask him to sit with me on the couch. I know he will, he always does for at least part of our sessions anyhow.

I think we will write today. That does seem like a way to get the hardest stuff out without have to use my words. And T writes back to me, so the whole session is just quiet and slow. I can sit right next to him while we write and it feels safe.

Sometimes I feel like a big baby

And. T sits JUST like the perp, with one leg crossed across the other and his arms on the chair arms and his eyes on me always watching watching watching. It just makes me want to SCREAM

[SpottedOwl]

(((tree)))

I say SCREAM if you want to scream. Let it out, just like you're doing with your writing -- let T know how he is triggering you.

Safe hugs for you..

[Mike_J]

Just remember you don't have to solve everything in one session. Focus on the things that are bothering you the most. This is something that I have to keep in mind so I don't spend the whole time talking about minor items and not the major ones.

[BlueMoon6]

I am giving you more safe hugs, Tree

I know you can tell T what is triggering you and how he triggers memories of this perp. Maybe it is not such a bad thing, to remember that he is NOT the perp and he is sitting that way. Do you know what I mean? ftt and I have worked on that. Triggers and reminders of how this thing is different from the abusive situation. In some strange way, I am grateful for the triggers as they suggest to me which corners of my mind need to heal.

Hugs and hugs and hugs. Please post after your session

[rainbow8]

(((((tree)))))),

I'm thinking of you sitting next to your T on the couch and telling or writing what you need to!! You're an inspiration to me too!!

If only my Ts in the past would have had a session where we write back and forth. The closest I came to that was to read from my journals. You have a WONDERFUL and innovative T. Can't he clone himself for the rest of us? Many for you, tree.

it works the passing notes thing back & forth...i had a stretch a while back where no words would come out..and t & i did that..she sat next to me & we wrote ..until i could speak...

it was a rough period and i think i had to come in for therapy maybe for 3 days that week but the memory came out and we got thru it.

We wrote some and I managed to talk some. He sat with me and when I could, I would talk, and when I couldn't, I would write.

He said that maybe the two years of work we've done has led us to this moment. I talked about how I keep leaving feeling worse instead of better, and we talked about it being because it feels like I miss an opportunity.....there is my safe person, my witness, the one person I can tell this stuff to, and it's too hard to say, and I leave, and I'm alone with it He said maybe I could start with one piece - whatever feels like the easiest piece of all of the hard stuff. Maybe I could.

He said my self-talk is just brutal. That I am absolutely beating my self up. I guess he's right....but it's so hard to not spin out into "I'm stupid, I should have done things differently, it's my fault".

I want to try to forgive that little me. I do. T says that at the age of 4, 5, 6, it can't be her fault. I don't even want to wonder if it's her fault. I just want to try to forgive her. I want to tell her it's okay. I want her to be able to let it go.

I told T today that it doesn't feel fair. I hate saying that...that is the sort of thing that would have got me in HUGE TROUBLE when I was growing up. But T said it's NOT fair. He said it never should have happened, ever. He said that if a grown up likes a little girl, he can tickle her and spin her around on the wood floor and listen to her laugh, and move on. He said that a grown up should never want more than that. I *get* it, intellectually, but it's really hard to apply it to me.

I told him things I feel about myself that I am SO ashamed of.

Maybe T will forgive the little me, and I will start to forgive her too. Maybe.

[WePow]

((((((((((( tree )))))))))) i am crying right now for you a bit. I am so so sorry you endured what you did and now have to face the shame that followed. You should not "forgive" the little girl *(imho)* because SHE in MY T's exact words "Didn't do a dammmn thing wrong!"

There is nothing to forgve dear one. Nothing.
I get it - that feeling of shame and being at fault - some how responsible.
And I totally get knowing it logically but not being able to aply it to the heart where we carry the guilt day in and day out. Frankly, it stinks to high heaven. And anyone who touches a child should be tortured in a billion ways and made to suffer over and over regardless of how "sorry" their sorry butts may be.

YOU are a warrior and a winner dearest tree!!!!! And reading you share your heart here on PC and how brave you are makes me able to also be brave and share with my T. So thank you so much for being a hero to me.

[Kiya]

((((((((tree)))))))))