[mixedup_emotions]

I have a session with T in about an hour, and I just don't feel like talking. At all. Not even idle chit-chat.

I have distanced myself from friends and family since before the holidays....but I could still talk....I find that it's easier for me to write what I'm feeling and going through....but I could still talk.

Now, I feel as though I don't want to talk at all. AT ALL.....but I can still take words from my head...slightly connected to the disgust and upset that I feel in my gut....and put it in writing.

Can anyone relate?

[Sannah]

Are you still going to go to your appt. though? Pushing through this and connecting is better than isolating.

[kitten16]

Gawd yes. I totally relate to this.

Maybe it would be fun to try something experimental in your next session?

There's a theater exercise where you're assigned a random partner and you have to just look at the person for a full minute. It is excruciating, but I think it can take you to an amazing place. It's just very very difficult. If I ever tried it with my T, I think I'd start crying!

You said you could put what you're feeling in writing. Maybe do that and take it in to your next session? Or take some crayons or something else to play with?

Duh, I just realized you're probably in your session...Please update on how it goes!

[WePow]

Yes - in fact today we really understand after finding out last night that my dad has cancer. So instead of talking, I will end up doing art on the therapy white board. It is actually my alter Mick and that is what she said she wants to do rather than talk.

[sadden]

My T lets me not talk sometimes. Later calls me adolescent.

[jennaorgana]

yes, i know this feelings. sometimes, though, just sometimes, going to that office and sitting down will subconsciously motivate you to say something. sometimes just sitting in that room, even when you don't want to say anything... sometimes those sessions turn out to be the best and most powerful. because you don't have a script. you don't have any expectations.

[sunrise]

I used to feel that way when I was really depressed. It seemed pointless to go, I had no desire, etc. But I always went because I would lose $125 if I canceled with less than 24 hours notice, and I hate to waste money. So I would go and then afterwards always be glad I did. T could always tell I was not feeling good and would somehow manage to do whatever he does to change that. Sometimes we just sat together and didn't say too much. I felt like I got some of my T's strong and positive energy. I soaked it up a little and felt better.

Maybe things will be different than you expect, if you go.

I hope you feel better.

[skyliner]

I could so relate. From my heart and mind to the paper, easy connection there. But from mouth heart and mind to mouth, that's tougher.

I'm interested in how it went.

Like jenna said, just sitting there without a script can make it a powerful session.

And like sunrise said, just being in t's presence can imbue you with positive energy.

[zooropa]

god yes, I feel that way a lot. Just don't want to talk. Sometimes when we are discussing difficult topics I feel that I literally CAN'T talk, but other times it's more of what you are describing. Just being inside my head, and not feeling like being verbal.

[polarsmom]

I feel like that alot of the time. That's part of my problem. And I'll go to my appointment in this mood. I'll tell my T that I'm cranky today. Sometimes I'll just ask alot questions about him which he'll answer. He'll ask me stuff too. And I don't know why, but for some reason it'll make me open up. It's these sessions that brings me comfort. It helps me feel connected. I trust him more. I will have a couple sessions in a row like this and then BAM the next session I'm crying. Like I have a pattern. I'll have 2 maybe 3 sessions where I feel like I'm just venting or asking a bunch of questions. And then the next 2 are intense.

WPOWERS- I'm sorry to hear about your dad fighting cancer.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone....(and wpowers, I am so sorry that your dad is battling cancer. That is so hard. HUGS.)

I went to my session and had a really hard time talking. Although I told him I didn't want him to, T ultimately ended up calling their in-house psychiatrist, leaving a message that I would be calling him in the next 24 hours and to try to fit me in as soon as possible.

*sigh*

I am so tired of being in this awful hole. Every time I pick myself up, I find myself going right back down.

[mixedup_emotions]

I just e-mailed my T asking him to let him know that he's there and that he cares. I told him that I don't know why I'm feeling so badly. The weekends, I've noticed, are so hard for me. My daughter will be away, and I will be alone. And I'm scared.

Not scared that I'm going to do something harmful, but just scared, ya know? I hate feeling so low.

[skyliner]

It's tuff. We're here for you. Best of all, you can 'write' to us

Take gentle care.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I just e-mailed my T asking him to let him know that he's there and that he cares. I told him that I don't know why I'm feeling so badly. The weekends, I've noticed, are so hard for me. My daughter will be away, and I will be alone. And I'm scared.

Not scared that I'm going to do something harmful, but just scared, ya know? I hate feeling so low.

awww, MUE, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's hard being alone when you feel so bad, too, not that you really feel like being around people but yeah, I understand how you feel. I live alone and it gets to me sometimes, just not having someone here to BE with.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you....

Actually, I prefer my alone time....but I know it's not good for me. How strange is that? I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be with anyone. I get excited when I know that I will be alone for a couple days - as much as I love my little girl - but it gives me the time to dwell in unpleasantness which makes me feel awful. I certainly could choose to use that time to live it up, but I don't want to. I feel too low with no energy whatsover. That's the strange thing about depression, I guess. *sigh*

My T responded to my e-mail and said the most caring things....

He said that if I were to miss out on the life I have ahead, he would be tremendously remorseful. He said I am a wonderful person with tremendous potential to do what he believes are some very powerful things in life...That I have some gifts. He said that he cares about me and needs me to keep fighting with him...and as alone as I feel, to know that there is somebody there thinking about me and pulling for me.

[zooropa]

oh wow, that is amazing, what your T said! I'm so glad you got that email, so you can look at it again and again every time you start to doubt. Your T really, really cares about you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

oh wow, that is amazing, what your T said! I'm so glad you got that email, so you can look at it again and again every time you start to doubt. Your T really, really cares about you.

Thanks, zoo.....

I asked for what I needed, and he gave me more than what I asked for. It means a lot to me, and I hope it will help me during these low moments.

It has the potential, though, for me to doubt his words, minimize the importance, say things like "oh he's just saying that and doesn't mean it", etc.....I will try hard not to let that happen, because I want to be worth it.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It has the potential, though, for me to doubt his words, minimize the importance, say things like "oh he's just saying that and doesn't mean it", etc.....I will try hard not to let that happen, because I want to be worth it.

I don't think T would have gone out of his way to type things that aren't true, mue.

I hope you can hold onto the truth of his words.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't think T would have gone out of his way to type things that aren't true, mue.

I hope you can hold onto the truth of his words.

Thanks, Tree....I am making a conscious effort.

Just like my daughter, I love her more than anything in the world and know that I am loved, needed, wanted by her. Yet, there are times when my mind plays tricks on me, when in that dark hole, when I start to doubt that she needs me - that she deserves better/more than what I can give her....When I come out of that hole, I realize better...but when in that hole, it's hard to see. Same with T's words. I am trying.

[WePow]

MU - concerning needing time alone to process emotions, that is very wise of you to know you need that time. Many people NEED to be alone once in a while, but the duty of being an employee, parent, and spouse keep us away from the private ME time.

When one is going through processing memories and trauma - they need that time alone. It is good to know we are SAFE enough with who we are to allow ourselves to wail, to cry our eyes out, to mourn the loss of our childhoods, to be angry and beat the stuffings out of a pillow if we want. It does not feel good going through that - but it is natural and "proper" grieving. All of that pain and angst through the years has built up and literally poisons our lives. The only way it is going to be released is for us to go THROUGH the venting as my T says.

Hope that helps.

[Sannah]

mue, I'm glad that you went to your sessions and I'm glad you sent that email and asked for what you needed. Good work!