not talking about transference

Hi all,

My T is not psychodynamic and has never mentioned transference or anything like that. I am prone to intense transference reactions. I know this is not how she does therapy, so I never mentioned my weird and intense feelings for her. I guess I figure it is not important to talk about it because I am just hoping it will die down, and I am controlling my behavior so I don't excessively call, email, etc, even though I have strong urges.

However, I sent her an email that said this:

You hold so many pieces of me. I have to keep handing you more. Do you know what you have?

Don't trip.

J.

And I am obsessing about it because I am afraid she is going to want to talk about it. My session is this evening. I want her to have read the message, and act accordingly, but I don't want to talk about it. I especially don't want to tell her how strong my feelings are toward her.

Is it really that important to talk about how I feel about her? Is it really going to help me? WHY will it help? I know if she brings it up and I say I don't want to talk about it, she will respect that. But I definitely always want to do whatever will help me with my problems, even if I don't feel like it. But the more intimate we get the worse I feel, and the more I fear becoming even more dependent on her.

I HATE that I get these crazy feelings. Transference is insane! It feels like a stranger takes over my body and my mind (I'm not psychotic.. this is a metaphor).. these feelings are totally irrational but I can't HELP it!

Jexa, if it is as big of a part of your healing as it sounds like it is, then being honest with T about all the "stuff" that is there is the best way to go. What you gain from it will be that it will clear the air and you will know your T has heard your point of view.

We also understand the hate of being "dependent" on a T !!! UGGGSTERS!
Those of us who have a strong self determination have fought our entire lives to survive and make it when we had not a single soul on our side. Now here you are with a person who is literally being handed all your "bags" - your shields of defense and your weapons and all your survival supplies - and you are trusting on THEM to help you make it through the toughest battle of your life - the battle to reclaim your mental wellness. OMG! That is a very frightening thing for a survivor to do!

There are so many things that could just go wrong .... we know it internally!
What if the T uses a weapon against us? We know that is most likely not the case, but after all - we have trusted before and were proven wrong. The T knows our soft spots and has access to them. UGGG!

And what if T does not let us use a tool we think we need to protect ourselves? What are we supposed to do? And if T is not there with us and a situation comes up and T has all of our supplies and has not given us directions yet on what to do in those situations - then what happens!

It really is all a very vulnerable place to be in right now for you.

So I say keep working from the point of survival and be honest with the one you have picked to help you out along this path.

(((jexa)))

What would T acting accordingly look like?

You can always talk about talking about the email. Instead of getting into the specifics of how you feel about her, let her know you have strong feelings. Let her know you are afraid to talk about it. You don't have to say what the strong feelings are, just that they are there.

Good for you for reaching out!
Some safe supportive hugs for you and your session tonight.

Hi Jexa,
Transference can be extremely powerful. I don't know what your T's theoretical orientation is, but even cognitive-behavioral T's are starting to recognize the power of transference. They may not work with it as directly as psychodynamic or analytic T's do, but some of them are willing to explore it if it's an issue the patient is struggling with in therapy. I would be honest with your T about the intensity of your feelings. It's scary but it's the only way to know if she can help you with it or not.

WePow -- you are so awesome. You always know exactly what to say to validate feelings, and I think most posters here would agree that your comments are incredibly supportive and insightful. Thanks! You're right. I am handing her all my bags, letting her break down all my defenses, and we've only just begun. She has only just started getting past my barriers. And my emotions are going haywire from the danger this brings!

Spotted -- "Acting accordingly" would be remembering to be gentle with me. She is always gentle with me, but I want to make sure she stays that way and remembers the power she has. I want her to tread lightly and notice my feelings for her.. but without mentioning them because that is too intimate for me. Haha. I need to go slow. Not used to this kind of crazy intimacy.

field -- Agh! My first reaction to your post: NO. My heart is pounding just thinking about telling her how I feel about her. Wow, I don't even think I could get the words out!

I know, Jexa. It's easy for me to say that because I'm not the one who has to do it -- already been there, done that! And maybe for you this is not the right time yet. Or maybe you need to do it slowly. There's no right or wrong way to approach it. You might need more time to simply sort out your feelings so that when the time comes and you feel brave enough to go there, it'll be a little easier because you've had some time to clarify it yourself first. No hurry, unless it begins to interfere with your treatment so much that you can't make progress without dealing with it.

Jexa, yeah, I know all about transference and how it messes us up! I know TOO well. I once wrote something called "The Transference Web". I assume that my addiction/obsession/dependence on my Ts is transference. My new T's quote is "the only way out is through." I know that's someone's quote on PC too. It happens to be true. I think the more you keep those strong feelings about your T inside of you, the harder it's going to be for you. I agree those feelings can be crazy, but they are valuable to discuss in your therapy even though it's difficult. Just know you're not alone, and that Ts understand about transference.

Good luck with your session!

I can relate so much to what you're saying....my T has never uttered the word "transference" to me--labels aren't her style--but it's definitely there and it is excrutiating at times. I have great impulse control, so I never had let her know just how intense my feelings were....until recently.

Now that I'm facing early termination of therapy, I've had to face all my attachment/transference issues. I've been more honest with T about how much she means to me, and her response has been amazing. It makes me wish I had been more forthcoming earlier than now.

If I had known how healing and comforting it is to address the attachment issues, I would have done it much much sooner.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with for sure, but if I think testing the waters and sharing a little piece of what you feel (in an email or whatever) is great. I hope you get the careful, supportive response you deserve and can open up more...

My session went pretty well. We talked a little bit about the message. She said it was a beautiful way to say what I was trying to say. I told her, "I wanted you to know what it said, but I'm not sure I feel comfortable talking about it right now." I also told her I posted about it on PC and obsessed about it a lot after I sent it. I think this IS me talking about it. It's not a direct conversation, but this certainly gave her information about my feelings for her.

This session went pretty deep and we talked about sense of self and how defining myself has been such an enormous struggle. My OCD and my social anxiety have died down a TON while I've been seeing her, but we never even combated it directly. And during session I think we finally pieced together the cause of my major meltdown back in June, which I'm finally crawling out of. It's pretty neat because I don't think it was ever biological for me. It is so clear now, what triggered this episode, and how changing other things in my life to be more congruent with who I am has cured me of what afflicted me back then. I really was losing my mind completely last year from June through September. Now we are going to work on my sense of self so I *know* when I'm lying to myself instead of being blindsided by it.

Anyway, so we talked about important stuff, but we didn't get into the transference discussion. I think this works better for us. She is so wonderful. She went over my session time by 45 MINUTES last night. But she always goes overtime with me. I'm pretty sure she really likes me. She says she loses track of time with me.

Jexa, Good stuff .

Jexa, that is so awesome. I am sure she likes you! I bet she enjoys working with you because you are trying so hard to heal and you are doing the work. That is a very big thing for Ts - watching to see how much work the client will put into their own healing.

that must have been really difficult, griffin, I'm glad it worked out so well for you.

this whole thread has me going "yes, yes, yes..." it's me, all over. And my T doesn't talk about things like transference, the therapeutic relationship, my issues with trusting her, any of it. I've been seeing her almost a year and a half and that doesn't come up, ever.

I have brought it up a few times, and she will respond in some way, but it is never something we talk about, not really. Which is hard, because in many ways this relationship with this T is the most intense relationship I've had in my life, ever. I have to be so vulnerable with her and LET HER SEE ME. When my biggest wish is just to be invisible and never let anyone see me, ever, but especially not the REAL me. Anyone that has seen the real me has hurt me. I wish my T knew how scary it is to me to be so open with her, how hard it is, how much it hurts, how much I worry, how much power she has.

I love what you said, Jexa, in your message to T. I am tempted to steal those words and show them to my T. You are so brave.

(((((((((((((((((((zooropa))))))))))))))))))))))
Ow ow ow. I hear this. Now accepting pocket riders for tomorrow afternoon.

I am going to see my T today, I'll go with you if you go with me?

Zoo it was not easy to say this to my T. I never would have said it except through email. I am so glad I can email her because it lets me open up like this.

You can feel free to steal my words, zoo, especially if they help you express yourself to your T. I hope you do get to tell your T how you feel in some way. Maybe you could write a letter and send? Like griffin said, waiting until later to deal with the attachment issues may make you wish you had said something earlier. But ughhh it is hard. This was my slow, bumbling way of dealing with it. Can you think of your own safe (or safe as can be), slow way to tell her that you feel very strongly for her/about her?

I hope your session went well today!

jexa, your words helped me in my session today! I'm going to start a new thread, but thank you sooo much!

Yay! Can't wait to hear what happened!