What would you do? Trigger- csa and some details

My 6 yo daughter came home from school today (she is in kindergarten) and told me, "Do you know what (her friend, another 6 yo girl in her class) told me? That she was in a box so no one could see. She was in a box with her friend and she sucked on his ****. And then she took off her pants and he sucked on her ****" "She said no one could see because they were in a box"

Ummm.....I left a message on the mother's voicemail. I know the mom, but not very well. I guess I will just repeat the story to her as my dd told me.

I am wondering how the little friend (obviously a boy) knew about doing that. I think this is something that needs to be investigated, too. I am wondering if the "friend" is a child.

What would you say/do?

this IS a triggering topic. as such, please use self care when reading replies/posting your own .

my 2c only: i would take steps to protect the child e.g., contacting the mother as a first step & assessing her willingness to take responsibility to figure this one out. if the mother doesn't seem like she is going to act, i would go talk to the child's teacher.

as for the veracity of whether the situation actually occured, i would remain agnostic until someone actually investigates. just as i think there is a danger in disbelieving the account, i think there is also a danger in believing what was said actually occured until it is investigated further. i personally would be careful not to let myself think about the "whats" e.g., who it was, if that person was old/young, where it happened etc because the story may very well turn out to not be true (and then again it might be true, in which case those details would come out to people who need to know in its own appropriate time).

edit: also emphasise to your child what a great job she did of coming and telling you!! austin-t and i have been talking about this issue lately (encouraging kids not to keep secrets, what to do when they say something) so it'll be interesting to see what other people think.

Thank you, Deli- I wasnt sure how to word this since it is so triggering. My husband was wondering if it was true or not. For sure, my daughter and I would think, this little girl, would not ordinarily know about these things. I was shocked when I heard my d casually say this to me. SHe siad it in a way, "Isnt this cool, can you believe she did that?"

I told her that these parts of her body (I was specific) were private and not for anyone to touch. I told her that any part of her body that a bathing suit covers, is private. If she is in that situation, that she should not pull down her pants, but tell a grown up. I did tell her that I was glad she told me and she did a good job. Then she said, "If I tell you more you wont get mad at me?" I said, "no" and she started to tell me something then said she forgot.

Anyway, I left a message and I might tell the teacher who happens to be a good friend of mine. I didnt speak to her. Maybe I will call her tonight.

I know this is a difficult and triggering topic, but I thought Id put the trigger icon and a sentence to make everyone aware.

You handled this well. The teacher will be bound by law to report this to child protective services for investigation. It does need to be investigated as that is not age appropriate behavior. If the teacher does not report this, then really you probably should.

You did a good job of putting the trigger information up for everyone here. Looking into a possible better forum to move this to in order to get feedback from other's who may have had imilar experiences.

It was very good that your daughter came to you & its good what you told her. The teacher should have some training on who to talk to about things like this also. It's important to have investigation about what actually happened.....it's equally important not to accuse anyone until all evidence is in......no suppositions & no assumptions is cases like this are safe....it could do as much damage to a good person as we hope it does put away the person who might have. We definitely need to be sensitive in all cases & teachers have some training usually in how to handle things like this........teacher would know if child protetive services is to be brought in also & its best if it's under the teacher's & schools control unless the parents are very receptive to what you say. With the least bit of denial. I would't push, but go directly to the teacher (which you are going to do anyway it sounds.)

Seems I have read a post in the last 5 years here about someone who went through a similar situation. It's not an easy situation to know exactly how to handle....very sensitive

I called my friend (who is my daughters teacher) and left a message with her husband to call me back. She will and I will tell her.

I didnt want to go over and over it with my daughter as I believe she told me everything she remembered that her friend said to her. But I did tell her again that she can tell me anything and I am very proud of her for telling me about her friend.

Im just waiting for calls back. It is a very sensitive situation and I dont know the parents well although they arent new to the school. Its a very small school where everyone knows almost everyone else.

You should call child protective services to report it. That needs to be turned in to authorities ASAP.

agreed - call social services. any incling at all. it is THEIR job to investigate and determine what is happening. It is OUR job to be the eyes and ears to protect kids.

SUPPORT!!!!!

In fact, they say now that even though you think another will report it, report it anyway! You may have different information, or the other may not report - or the other may SAY they will, and not...
and the sooner you report, the better for the child (and really, all children involved with that child, yes?)

(((((bluey)))))

i think what you said to your daughter is so great . good on you for also calling the teacher.

sendin YOU much love also - this is difficult for me to read about, but it must be so much harder for you to be dealing with.

i think someone wrote in the abuse forum before about their experiences caliing in child protective services, the interviews etc. you might be interested to have a read. it was sometime last year.

OK- I'll read it.

I spoke to the mom. I did say to her that I didnt know her very well but I want to tell her what my daughter said to me when she came home from school. I repeated the conversation and she said, "Oh, MY! Oh my Gosh!" She was very upset and said I will have to speak with my husband about it. I did tell her d told my d about this"box" so no one could see them. She thanked me for telling her and I said I would want to know, too. And that was it. I am going to speak to my friend this eve (the teacher).

I wouldnt even know how to call CPS. Maybe I should ask my friend if she has to do that if I tell her about it?

There is usually a website you can go to to make the report anonymously, or you can call them (still anonymous). The teacher will know how to do this.

I spoke to my friend and she said that it was a big deal and she has to do something about it. I told her I spoke to the mom. She said that she is going to call her friend (its a small world here where I live) at Family Services to get advice on how to proceed with the child and the family and how they will investigate. She will let me know what they sat about speaking to my daughter (them or me).

So, that is where it stands now. I feel badly that my daughter was exposed to this terminology and to someone talking about this act. My d tends not to censure herself and might bring this up again at any time. Especially in relation to "sucking" which the little girl seems to have made a big deal over. Maybe I should talk to her about "lollypops" or things that we do suck on? Instead of her bringing this up in relation to what her friend told her?

Blue--I'm glad that action is being taken on this situation, and that it's happening quickly. You handled it appropriately. About your daughter. Is there a social worker affiliated with the school who could talk to her? Do you think ftt might have suggestions as how to handle it with her? It's good that you have the kind of relationship with your daughter that she could come to you and tell you what her friend told her. What you told her about private parts is good too. I would just emphasize to her that she can ask you questions and talk about her feelings at any time.

Im curious as to what will happen next and what Family Services will suggest to the teacher.

I have ftt on monday. I will bring it up. My daughter (the 6 yo) is probably the child of mine that I have felt the most protective of. She isnt always aware of what is going on around her and is very, very sweet and innocent. She seems, more than my other kids, to rely on the people around her for information as opposed to her inner voice. I try very hard to help her to sort out what her feelings and thoughts are. In this situation, I think she DID feel like there was something "off" about what she told me as she did say that I might get "mad at her" for the other thing she wanted to tell me that her friend said happened. I think I will be able to get it out of her later tonight.

I just so regret that she was exposed to such things now.

(((((((((blue & daughter))))))))))

it sounds like you are handling this situation really well. i hope you are doing okay too. i don't have anything really to add but just want to send you lots of and

(Blue)
What an upsetting situation. Call CPS. You have no way of knowing what either child's family situation is (the boy's and the girl's). Both of them are children and CPS can protect both kids. Also, maybe T can give you advice on how to handle your daughter? I think you've done a really good job with handling the situation.

What will probably happen is that cps will interview the little girl and then will interview the boy involved. Depending on the boy's age, various things can happen. Most likely cps will expect counseling to take place for the boy. If he is older, charges may be brought up particularly if the family is not cooperative about getting the counseling done. The teacher's only involvement will be with the reporting since she did not witness what happened. CPS will focus on the two children involved.

Thank you everyone for supporting me. Truly, I depend on your input and suggestions

I agree that CPS will have to talk to the little girl, though she didnt mention to my daughter who the boy was. I guess they have ways of talking to children so they feel comfortable enough to reveal what happened and who the other child is.

I am guessing that I dont have to call CPS since my friend (their teacher) is going to call Family Services and get them involved. She said that is what she legally has to do and she knows people there anyway.

Would I call CPS even though my friend is getting Family Services involved? Or should I wait to see what happens with this and if they talk to the little girl?

As long as you are certain the teacher is reporting this, then it should be okay. I know this is a hard situation to deal with. I've been there myself. You've done everything you should do.

1-800-342-3720 **Your state CPS**

24 hour hotline that is for community people as well.

Call them and report.


CPS calls are triaged according to level of danger so do not be surprised if it is not investigated right away. past history is an issue as well. your state plan for the time of investigation should be available.

sounds like it is time for the "good touch, bad touch' talk. I remember when TV even showed that on "Webster". things get real pretty quick.

(((((((((Holding you both)))))))))))))

Im sorry to bring back this thread. But I have another question:

I spoke to my friend who is the teacher in the class about what she did. She was very vague. She told me yesterday what she was going to do, but today when I asked her what she did, she said to me that "the appropriate people have been notified and the school is taking care of it and working with the family." She just kept saying things to me about confidentiality and not to worry, and "that is all I can say." I am not terribly satisfied with that answer, though she might have been told that is what she had to say to me or anyone else. That it is "being handled."

I said that if she did not report it to CPS or Family Services that I have an obligation to do so. Then, I emailed her that since my daughter is telling other people (her friends and siblings) today that I would like to to talk to the person she spoke to to find out how to handle this with my daughter.

I have no idea if I should take it a step further. If they are handling it or if the approapriate people have been notified, then Im okay with that. It could be that the school wants to handle it as it is a small community and small school. I dont think that is necessarily a bad thing, but not sure. I am just a little ruffled by the vagueness of what I have been told.

Any feedback?

CALL CPS

1-800-342-3720


if the authorities are already involved, your call won't be a surprise to them

if it is being handled by the school with the family, it should NOT be if the child was really saying that stuff... you need an independent investigator

CSA thrives in denial and hidden family dynamics.

IF CPS investigates and it is nothing, there is no harm.
If CPS does not investigate because they were never called and there is something, there could be a great harm.

I HATE CPS....but they saved my life.

PICK UP THE PHONE