struggling

Sooooooooooooooooooo.... wow, i don't even know where to start. I was not looking forward to t today at all. I thought we'd have to break out the 'this is what I am available for - this is what I'm not available for' talk. From the first minute she was concerned. there was no look of exasperation or "i just don't know what to do with you". good too - i would have walked out.
But she did explain again that this is a level 2 clinic and they don't have the capassities to take on someone like me - which sucks kinda that I even went down this road since i was upfront with her the first day we met; told her i am DID, what I need, what it is like to work with DIDs, that once you start you basicallly gotta stick with the person because it is DEVASTATING to leave once that trust is finally/tentatively built.
But here we are. She did another assessment on me - "LOCUS" this time - and determined that I have too high a score for treatment here and i need "a better treatment plan that can take care of my needs". I guess level 2 clinics work with people with scores up to 16, level 3s up to 20, and my score of 22 would be level high three or four. So... T made a phone call to see what can be done for me to get me into a different treatment plan. in the beginning of the hour she started talking group home!!! @_@ I am not that dangerous, people. I'm not! I've never even SIed to the point of needing stitches!
So i'm a LOT of things right now - sad, scared, depressed, sobbing... slip into blessed denial until T called this afternoon and told me that we're still having ins issues and that I can't even get treatment until April (even tho I've had ins since Feb 23), and that *I* will be the one who calls all the places and talk to the Ts about everything.... and i'm really tired.
cold. tired. tired of crying.
on the upside, i went to return T's crystal to her and she told me she wants me to hang on to it longer. Also, when she called today, she stated that I've had just so much change these past 3 months that, even though she wants me to progress and do well, she doesn't want me to end with her until i am ready because it might totally destablize me....
Then the word "closure" came up and i started crying all over again.
i hate crying.
really super sad right now.

(((((Kiya))))) Lots of stresses on you now. Hope they will decrease. You still have PC to count on, whatever happens...

Wow, you're really under a lot or strain right now with a little help from the system. But isn't it good that old T wants to stay with you for a while longer still, despite the inevitable change down the road?

((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))

Ugh, the things T said sound so scary

I remember when I posted...maybe last week...about not being able to imagine EVER not having T in my life, and you posted that you were that attached to a T before and you were able to move on. And attach again. And since I wrote that post, A LOT of things have shifted in my life, and T is still really important, but I really *can* imagine life without him someday (although I don't want to yet - eeek). I thought that no one could ever, ever accept and help and care for me like T does...but I was wrong.

So, even if there is change ahead, try to hold on to the fact, somewhere in a little corner of your mind and your soul, that it could be good change. It's hard not knowing what's ahead, but that doesn't mean that what's ahead is bad.

Someone told me a couple of days ago to only look 2 feet in front of me...not to try to see any farther into the future that that. And that reminds me of something you said once...about trying to find the thinnest sliver of "now" and to be there. If I can do those things, the fear loosens it's grip a little tiny bit.

Also, kiya...if this clinic can't provide what you need, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or that you did anything wrong, or that you're in trouble. And it doesn't mean that the clinic is bad or that they don't like you. It means that they can't provide what you need. That's it. You are still you - wonderful, brave kiya.

Sending tons and tons of . Keep posting, okay??

(((((((( kiya! )))))))))) wow OMG wow
Sending you TONS and TONS of safe hugs!!!
I am terrified of my T doing that to me.
I already told him I would SU if he stuck me in a hospital. I should not have said it, but that is how much I am just afraid of other people and it took a while for me to really trust him. And I still think I was wrong at times to trust him!!! UGGS!

I am really hoping that the change for you will be very positive.
I hope that you will be treated by someone who just is super awesome and you will be able to get into the depth of healing you need.

(((((Kiya)))))
Hang in there. Sometimes these kinds of situations are blessings in disguise. You might be in a better, more supportive type of therapy with someone else. I know it's hard, the uncertainty, especially when you are already in the midst of so much change.

Hi Kiya,

Sorry I'm arriving at this thread so late. I'm glad you got through the bed bug sniffing incident by going out with your friend. I felt angry for you that you were not getting the support you needed at the time. I'm glad your t did finally respond to your email and that she's going to continue supporting you while they re-evaluate your treatment plan.

I can understand the frustration you might feel when they talk about changing the type or place of your treatment. . . since you told them in the beginning what kind of treatment you needed and they accepted you as a patient there. Maybe your t did not understand the complexity of your issues at the time but now she does.

I hope you get the kind of treatment and support you need and deserve.

my head is still reeling - so glad PC is here to help me see my thoughts.

I *know* T really does want the best for me and she is trying to help me not be so scared of intensive treatment. (with my compartmentalized brain) kiya knows that this is what is needed. but the young parts are so so soooooooo scared. we sit and cry, dissociate waaaaaaaaay far away.

Got another supportive email from T this morning (i'd emailed yesterday to appologize for crying all the time, and even on the phone with her yesterday when she'd given me more info).
"I am sorry it is such a challenging and stressful time for you. I am here, and will be here. We are a community, not only a place people come for 1 on 1 therapy. You can take your time in sorting things out, and even change your mind. (thank you t!!) I would not plan on doing Closure, with a capitol C but closure from one phase and form. It is best, as you are doing to stay with your feelings as you can and communicate, rather than pulling away or shutting down. i think you have been through a lot of changes and that you are overall doing a great job. T"

Aaah praise at long last. Get me to the brink of my fear, and then praise me =)
The "Closure vs. closure" gave me a very small laugh.
Yesterday i did tell her i was afraid; "talk more about that kiya,... if you will..." oy. as she writes down her notes. i still want to always know what is on those notes... those notes feel so powerful. saying something into the air is one thing - seeing them become permant is quite another.
Today was supposed to be laundry day, but I sure don't see that happening. It is already 2pm and i don't know how it got to be that late. I've no energy for going to the laundry mat. Come to that... no quarters either. hmmmmmm.
2nd T checked in via email asking about T's rating me at a 22 on LOCUS; asked if daily living was falling apart because when last she saw me (as another alter with a sardonic friend of mine/ours??/mine...meh) she praised me for doing well in a group setting and thought i appeared stable. Makes me think of a line from some movie "I have people for that!" and plenty of them. with their own fully developed personaity traits to fit into circumstances.
With all this change, that dissociative fog is thickening again as the walls of fear come up. I am tyring to remain calm and i read all your posts again and again to help me through...

Kiya, you are going through SO MUCH, I hope you realize that you really are doing a great job dealing with all the changes and uncertainty. I'm so glad you finally got some soothing, supportive words from your T.

I'm glad that you got that nice email from her. I have seen you progress here Kiya and you will get through this too and be much stronger because of it...........

((((((Kiya)))))))

The hardest thing in the world is to learn to love ourselves. When times get tough I think we all have coping mechanisms that aren't good for us. We take a drink or buy something we don't need or zone out watching tv, or pick a fight...we ALL end up doing things that are harmful to ourselves when we are afraid or overwhelmed. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself.

It sounds like T is doing her best to help you find the right treatment, but ultimately it is your choice. Only you know what you really need to heal. You are reaching out, communicating, being honest, and adapting to a very new way of life. All of that is you. Not T, but you doing the work and taking the steps to heal.

I'm really proud of you.

Much love and support for all of you.

((((((Kiya)))))))

((((((((kiya)))))))))))))

im sorry i havent been in this thread earlier (or have i?), but wanted to send you love.