don't feel like I deserve being cared about

((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))

We totally understand it when you say you feel like something broke. Oh boy do we ever understand that.

What helped me through that feeling was really choosing for my own benifit to see the theraputic relationship as a business situation instead of a personal situation. ((I know it gets personal - but I had to change my point of view for MY benifit in this case.)) In a personal friendship, I would not have allowed myself to re-trust my T after feeling the "broken" stuff. It is my way of keeping people at a "safe" emotional distance. And it is why I do not have many friends IRL. But that is ok for now.

As a business relationship, I decided I need to allow my T some extra wiggle room with the old trust buzzer. I have a NEED to trust my T. And I do not want to start all over with someone else. So it was in my best interest to just chalk up what I did not like as an incident. I saw it with the same distance that I would if my mechanic had left the cap off the oil thing. :-) It was hard for me to make that analogy and allow myself to move forward, but that choice was in my best interest long term. So I did it.

Somehow just by seeing it from that slightly different point of view, it made it easier to no longer feel the "broke" stuff. If that makes any sense at all.....

Big hugs!!

WePow- I can definitely see where you are coming from and thank you for the suggestion. I don't think that is going to work for me.

TRIGGER WARNING- Suicidal ideation mentioned.

The thing for me is that I have trouble with the business side of it. When I was in high school my mom would yell at me about making us poor (we were not) because I needed to see a T and get meds from a pdoc. As I feel I have so few people in my life that care about me, (at least who ever go out of their way to contact me rather than me contacting them) I need to feel like T cares about me. And it has to feel like T cares about me because I am me, not because I pay her to care. Not because it is her job to care and she is fulfilling that responsibility. I feel like if she only cares about me because I pay her to care, then what is the point? If I need to pay someone to care about me, then the thoughts I fight about everyone being better off without me around are right. If no one cares about me IRL, the why am I here? Why am I in school (spending lots of money in loans) learning how to help others, if no one cares about me? I don't want to sound selfish. But I need help too. If no one can care about me then what is the point? I'll just end up burning out. I feel like if my T doesn't care, what hope do I have of anyone else caring. And it's not about the words, because I can hear the words and know what she means. It is about the belief.

Can you believe that people who are in caring professions truly do care and get paid for that as well? Getting paid for a profession doesn't exclude genuine feelings.

If you "can hear the words and know that she means it", then what she is saying is genuine. She cares. Don't second guess that. Trust her words.

(((((((((( googley )))))))))))) I care. I am a real person. At least I think I am a real person :-)

We do understand what you are saying though. We have thought those exact same thoughts!!!! It can be a very lonely place here in this world when we have been abused and had trust taken away from us. But the truth is that there are human feelings going on inside your T. They may have to act a certain way to be all professional and stuff... but I promise you that your T would be torn up inside if anything happened to you. They may not be allowed by T code or whatever to say that to us as clients... but it is just the truth. Being a T is not just a job. It is an investment of time and emotional energy for a T. T cares for you as a human. That is the honest truth.

googley, I think you are incredibly brave to ask your T if she cares about you! I have never been able to do that in my life with anyone (I actually did do it once and it turned out badly, so I never did it again.) It is not a bad thing to know what is important to you in life, and you have already figured out that you would like people to care about you. With your T, hopefully through your continuing contact with her and consitently hearing her words and observing her actions, you will come to believe her when she says she cares. And if she cares, then maybe other people could too. It's like your T can be the "ice breaker" and then maybe you can realize that other people might care about you too.

At some point, you may want her to care about you enough that you will risk being hurt. And she can provide reassurances that can help tip the balance for you. For me, it is this same risk in any relationship beyond the superficial ones. Is it worth it, could I get hurt? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no. With my T, I have said yes. Our relationship is something I will cherish all my life. I will never forget him or "us." It has definitely been worth it for me. (And it isn't over yet.)

Can you think of your T as someone who is there to help you? It seems like she has to pass this test for you to move forward?